- Santa lives at the North Pole. Anyone who has ever dated/married/been in the same room with a woman knows that unless the air temperature is high enough to cook a small turkey, she will complain about it being too cold. So, there is NO way she would choose the North Pole as her base of operations. The Bahamas would be more to her taste.
- Santa is fat and jolly. I dare ANYONE to describe ANY woman as "fat and jolly" to her face and expect to survive! If Santa were a woman, and you referred to her as this, you wouldn't find coal in your stocking, you'd find a pipe-bomb!
- Santa at the mall. Now, I know that others have used the "Mall" example as proof that Santa is a woman. However, you see both men and women at the mall. And let me ask you this...What does Santa DO at the mall??? HE SITS DOWN!!! Do you ever see women sitting down at the mall??? Noooo! Women are running around trying to find a dust ruffle that matches the throw pillows on her sister's day-bed! Men sit...Santa sits. 'nuff said.
- Santa walks around on rooftops.I don't know about you, but my wife REFUSES to get on the roof! If there is anything to be done up there, she sends me. In fact, I don't think I have EVER seen a woman up on a roof. The fact that Santa is perfectly comfortable walking around on a slippery, angled housetop is further proof that he is a "He!"
- Santa likes Milk and Cookies. If Santa were a woman, we'd have to leave Godiva Chocolate and International Foods Flavored Coffee. Or maybe herbal tea. Of course, if she was stillsensitive about the whole "Fat and Jolly" thing, she would demand nothing more than a carrot stick and a glass of water.
- Santa uses the Chimney. No woman would ever THINK about crawling into a dirty, smelly chimney. A woman would carry a spare set of keys for every house. Of course, this would never work because she wouldn't be able to find them in her purse.
- Santa has reindeer. Reindeer are totally for guys; they are big, hairy, smelly, and have huge antlers. A woman would never use them. She would prefer to be driven around in a stretch limo. Or, if she really wanted to use the traditional sleigh, they would have to be pulled by horses. I mean, what is it withwomen and horses??
Monday, December 21, 2009
Why Santa is a Man
By Bill Helker