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Thursday, July 1, 2010

Twitter Jokes

  1. A hard thing about a business is minding your own. [Tweet It]

  2. I had amnesia once - or twice. [Tweet It]

  3. I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. [Tweet It]

  4. The Face Is Familiar But I Can’t Quite Remember My Name. [Tweet It]

  5. Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20 percent fewer letters! [Tweet It]

  6. He who hesitates is probably right. [Tweet It]

  7. I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them. [Tweet It]

  8. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. [Tweet It]

  9. The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth. [Tweet It]

  10. I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn’t explain away afterwards.Immanuel Kant [Tweet It]

  11. I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one. [Tweet It]

  12. A tired exclamation mark is a question mark. Stanislaw Jerzy Lec [Tweet It]

  13. You don’t stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing. [Tweet It]

  14. I think, therefore I’m single. [Tweet It]

  15. Never miss a good chance to shut up. [Tweet It]

  16. Borrow money from a pessimist, they don’t expect it back. [Tweet It]

  17. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10. [Tweet It]

  18. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. [Tweet It]

  19. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [Tweet It]

  20. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. [Tweet It]

  21. A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.Groucho Marx [Tweet It]

  22. I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it. Mae West [Tweet It]

  23. Dancing is a vertical manifestation of a horizontal desire. [Tweet It]

  24. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. [Tweet It]

  25. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. [Tweet It]

  26. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving. [Tweet It]

  27. Why is abbreviation such a long word? [Tweet It]

  28. A day without sunshine is like, night. [Tweet It]

  29. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. [Tweet It]

  30. She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction. [Tweet It]

  31. If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around. [Tweet It]

  32. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. [Tweet It]

  33. Roses are red violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic and so am I. [Tweet It]

  34. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. [Tweet It]

  35. A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight. [Tweet It]

  36. I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say. [Tweet It]

  37. If you are not committing any sins, you are probably not having a lot of fun. [Tweet It]

  38. Always try to be modest and be proud of it! [Tweet It]

  39. Puritans should wear fig leaves on their eyes. Stanislaw Jerzy Lec [Tweet It]

  40. Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students. [Tweet It]

  41. The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There’s no future in time travel. [Tweet It]

  42. Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it. [Tweet It]

  43. Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to. Mark Twain [Tweet It]

  44. A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. [Tweet It]

  45. If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow? George Carlin [Tweet It]

  46. Arguing with a woman is like trying to read a newspaper in the wind. Fjodor Dostojevski [Tweet It]

  47. Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers? [Tweet It]

  48. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. [Tweet It]

  49. When you think you have someone eating out of your hand, count your fingers. [Tweet It]

  50. Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. Albert Einstein [Tweet It]

  51. You can’t respect a man who carries a dog. [Tweet It]

  52. Without ME, it’s just AWESO. [Tweet It]

  53. If all the cars on the Earth were lined up bumper to bumper, some idiot would try to pass them. [Tweet It]

  54. Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away! [Tweet It]

  55. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak? [Tweet It]

  56. Honk if you want to see my finger. [Tweet It]

  57. Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. [Tweet It]

  58. Anything not nailed down is a cat toy. [Tweet It]

  59. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you. [Tweet It]

  60. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it. [Tweet It]

  61. For me, the cinema is not a slice of life, but a piece of cake. Alfred Hitchcock [Tweet It]

  62. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? [Tweet It]

  63. Charity begins at home. Success begins at work. [Tweet It]

  64. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. [Tweet It]

  65. You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word. [Tweet It]

  66. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? [Tweet It]

  67. A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. [Tweet It]

  68. Giving money and power to goverment is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. P. J. O’Rourke [Tweet It]

  69. Last night I shot an elephant in my pyjamas and how he got in my pyjamas I’ll never know. [Tweet It]

  70. Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? [Tweet It]

  71. Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it will take until your free refills cost money. [Tweet It]

  72. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Tweet It]

  73. Women like silent men, they think they’re listening. [Tweet It]

  74. If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? [Tweet It]

  75. Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts! [Tweet It]

  76. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere. [Tweet It]

  77. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure. [Tweet It]

  78. Shot Off Woman’s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 [Tweet It]

  79. True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable. [Tweet It]

  80. You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses. [Tweet It]

  81. If you change lanes the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). [Tweet It]

  82. We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse. [Tweet It]

  83. The woman you notice is beautiful. The woman who notices you is enchanting.Adlai Stevenson [Tweet It]

  84. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time. [Tweet It]

  85. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? [Tweet It]

  86. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. [Tweet It]

  87. Remember half the people you know are below average. [Tweet It]

  88. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines. [Tweet It]

  89. A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue. [Tweet It]

  90. Better to bend than to break. (Indian proverb) [Tweet It]

  91. I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you. [Tweet It]

  92. How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it. [Tweet It]

  93. People who live in stone houses shouldn’t throw glasses. [Tweet It]

  94. If diamonds are a girl’s best friend and a dog is man’s best friend, who really is the dumber sex? [Tweet It]

  95. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. [Tweet It]

  96. People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves. [Tweet It]

  97. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. [Tweet It]

  98. Judge me by my deeds, though they are few, rather than my words, though they are many.Arthur C. Clarke [Tweet It]

  99. To err is human, to moo is bovine. [Tweet It]

  100. If everything seems to be coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane. [Tweet It]

  101. Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot [Tweet It]

  102. There’s too much blood in my caffeine system. [Tweet It]

  103. I don’t mind dying. I just don’t want to be there when it happens. [Tweet It]

  104. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. [Tweet It]

  105. I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me. [Tweet It]

  106. Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think. [Tweet It]

  107. ‘So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’And a voice said, ‘You are.’ [Tweet It]

  108. Double your drive space. Delete Windows! [Tweet It]

  109. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. [Tweet It]

  110. If You Don’t Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut. [Tweet It]

  111. Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone. [Tweet It]

  112. If you get to it and you can’t do it, well there you jolly well are, aren’t you. [Tweet It]

  113. Take my advice; I don’t use it anyway. [Tweet It]

  114. I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing! [Tweet It]

  115. A fool is a 27 story window-washer who steps back to admire his work. [Tweet It]

  116. If I throw a stick, will you leave? [Tweet It]

  117. Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far.Jean Cocteau [Tweet It]

  118. Sex on tv can’t hurt unless you fall off. [Tweet It]

  119. I’m in shape. Round is a shape isn’t it? [Tweet It]

  120. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. [Tweet It]

  121. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? [Tweet It]

  122. Never mess up an apology with an excuse. [Tweet It]

  123. To do is to be [Descartes]. To be is to do [Voltaire]. Do be do be do [Frank Sinatra]. [Tweet It]

  124. A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, three hundred pounds, they make ice. Homer Simpson [Tweet It]

  125. Age is important only if you are cheese and wine. [Tweet It]

  126. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading. [Tweet It]

  127. The more vital your research, the less people will understand it. [Tweet It]

  128. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. [Tweet It]

  129. Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. [Tweet It]

  130. I went to San Francisco I found someone’s heart. Now what? [Tweet It]

  131. In my youth, I wanted to be a great pantomimist - but I found I had nothing to say. [Tweet It]

  132. Without nipples, breasts would be pointless. [Tweet It]

  133. I’m not against the police, I’m just afraid of them. Alfred Hitchcock [Tweet It]

  134. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. [Tweet It]

  135. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. [Tweet It]

  136. What is a free gift? Aren’t all gifts free? [Tweet It]

  137. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand. [Tweet It]

  138. My drinking team has a bowling problem. [Tweet It]

  139. Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me. [Tweet It]

  140. With a calendar, your days are numbered. [Tweet It]

  141. Peace on earth would mean the end of civilization as we know it. Joseph Heller [Tweet It]

  142. Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture. [Tweet It]

  143. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. [Tweet It]

  144. Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween. [Tweet It]

  145. The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. [Tweet It]

  146. It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better. [Tweet It]

  147. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. [Tweet It]

  148. When there’s a will, I want to be in it. [Tweet It]

  149. If idiots could fly this place would be an airport. [Tweet It]

  150. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. [Tweet It]

  151. Be bold in what you stand for; and careful what you fall for. [Tweet It]

  152. A long dispute means that both parties are wrong. [Tweet It]

  153. Those are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others. [Tweet It]

  154. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. [Tweet It]

  155. Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! [Tweet It]

  156. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [Tweet It]

  157. Beauty is in the aye of the beholder [Tweet It]

  158. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat. [Tweet It]

Taken from "Twitter Jokes" with kind permission from @PearlyDean

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