Sunday, March 28, 2010
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed......
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed......
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again......
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican." The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East . I am not American."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa ."
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."
Sunday, March 14, 2010
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you £800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
- Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
- Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
- Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
- For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
- Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
- Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.
- It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.
- Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
- Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.
- Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
- Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.
- The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.
- Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside.
- Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.
- It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
- Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
- If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
- Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
- Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
- When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
- Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
- Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking.
- Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
- Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.
- Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.
- Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
- Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)
- Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. - Moses (Ex 2:16-21)
- Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
- Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
- Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. - Adam (Gen 2:19-24)
- Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
- Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife - David (I Samuel 18:27)
- Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
- Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. -Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
- When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." -Samson (Judges 14:1-)
- Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). - David (2 Samuel 11)
- Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
- Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Nicknamed the "balcony of the alps," the Dachstein Sky Walk Is formally enthroned at 2700m above sea-level, high up on the 250m vertical rock face of the Hunerkogel. A 360o panorama Allows the visitor a view of Slovenia in the south to the Czech Republic in the north. The Sky Walk is distinctly higher than The platforms of the Niagara Falls or even the one at the Iguazu Waterfalls in Brazil .
2. Aurland Lookout ( Norway )
Architects Todd Saundersand Tommie Wilhelmsen were Commissioned to design a scenic rest-stop 2000ft above Aurland fjord in Norway and came up with this beauty wining the first prize in Norwegian tourist routes competition. The outermost end of the horizontal platform - which curvesto Form the structure's support - is closed off by a sheet of glass, Offering an incredible view towards the ground for all those with the guts to make the trip to the end.
3. Grand Canyon Skywalk ( Arizona - USA )
This horseshoe-shaped pant-filler hangs approximately 4000ft above the floor and extends 65ft beyond the edge of the Grand Canyon . The Horseshoe shaped skywalk is constructed of glass walls 4" thick and visitors must don special scratch-proof socks as they partake in the view. The work is a true engineering feat that can hold up to 70 tons (roughly 14 African Elephants) and withstands winds of 100mph.
4. Suspended platform at Iguazu Falls ( Brazil and Argentina )
While the falls themselves are magnificent, their setting in a huge subtropical nature reserve makes visiting even more enjoyable. To fully appreciate their size and splendor it's worthwhile viewing the falls from the skywalk. The viewing platform is so close you are instantly drenched by spray and deafened by the roar of water plunging over an 80m cliff.
5. Auckland 's Sky Tower ( New Zealand )
Auckland 's 328m Sky Tower is the southern hemisphere's tallest structure. It took 2000 tons of reinforcing steel, 660 tons of structural steel and 15,000m3 of concrete to erect it. It can withstand 200km/h winds, earthquakes up to eight on the Richter scale and on a clear day, visibility is around 82km. The highest indoor point is Sky Deck, which has seamless glass giving unimpeded 360º views.
6. Illawarra Fly Tree Top Walk ( Australia )
This walk opened recently after five months of construction. Located at Knights Hill up high on the escarpment near Robertson in the Southern Highlands , the Illawarra Fly Tree Top Walk allows visitors to walk among the rainforest canopy 25m above the ground on a steel platform. The 500m elevated walkway features cantilever arms that take visitors to the edge of the escarpment and offer inspiring views of the coastline from Kiama through to Shellharbour.
7. Landscape Promontory ( Switzerland )
The landscape promontory is a suspended viewing platform designed by Paolo Bürgi as part of the Cardada project, a revitalization of the Cardada mountain that is expected to finish in 2010. The passageway is made of steel and titanium leads to the lookout platform with a view of Lago Maggiore. The landscape panorama is not the only thing that visitors are meant to appreciate. Symbols in the paving with accompanying texts in the railing provide references to history and literature.
8. Infinity Room at House on the Rock ( Wisconsin - USA )
The House on the Rock, originally opened in 1959, is a complex of architecturally unique rooms, streets, gardens and shops designed by Alex Jordan, Jr. It is located in Spring Green, Wisconsin and is a regional tourist attraction. The Infinity Room at the House extends several hundred feet over the valley, without supports underneath, and is lined with over 3000 handmade windows.
9. Il binocolo ( Italy )
Within the gardens of Trauttmansdorff castle in Italy you'll find this charming steel platform poking out through the trees, its name (meaning 'the binoculars') coming from the shape of the platform's small roof and the view of the surrounding landscape. Designed by architect Matteo Thun.
10. Top of Tyrol ( Austria )
Top of Tyrol by Aste architecture is a viewing platform located 3000m above sea level at the Stubai Glacier in Tyrol , Austria . Weathering steel was used in the construction of this structure to account for the extreme weather conditions so you can stand 9m away from the mountain with a perfect view of Stubai glacier.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio-cast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, this interview was over.
- He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
- He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is ' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'
- He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
- He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
- He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.' (Loved this one!)
- It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - 'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'
Saturday, March 6, 2010
- She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN. '
- She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
- She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY..'
- She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'
- She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes ' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
- She is not a 'TWO-BIT ' LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.'
"Hi Son, where are you? I thought you were with your father at Home Depot""
"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"
"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."
"What on earth ~ why did you do that ?????"
"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."
- Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
- Men are like Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
- Men are like the Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.
- Men are like Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
- Men are like Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
- Men are like Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
- Men are like Department Stores. Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
- Men are like Government Bonds. They take soooooooo long to mature.
- Men are like Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion .
- Men are like Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
- Men are like Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
- Men are like Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
- Men are like Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.