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Sunday, June 27, 2010

Homeless Man's Funeral


A bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As he was not familiar with the backwoods, he got lost and, being a typical man, he didn't stop for directions. He finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. He felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. He went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. He didn't know what else to do, so he started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. He played out his heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. He played like he'd never played before for this homeless man.

And as he played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, he wept, they all wept together.

When he finished he packed up his bagpipes and started for his car.

As he opened the door to his my car, he heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently he was still lost...

Leaving Work Early


Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they watched the boss leave work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.

After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early...she did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!

Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead said that they planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

“No way!” the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

Monday, June 21, 2010

Things not to say on a date


  • I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

  • Don't get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.

  • I used to come here all the time with my ex.

  • I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.

  • Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

  • I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

  • It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.



Sunday, June 20, 2010

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TV & radio bloopers


12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio:


  1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

  2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

  3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

  4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

  5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

  6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

  7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

  8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

  9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

  10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

  11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

  12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'



Saturday, June 19, 2010

$40,000.00 Funeral


Sam died and his will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Janis turned to her oldest and dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure Jim would be pleased,' she said..

'I'm sure you're right,' replied Brenda , who lowered her voice and leaned in closer. 'How much did this really cost?'

'All of it,' said Janis .. 'Forty thousand.'

'No way,' Brenda exclaimed! 'I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?'

Janis answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500.. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.'

Brenda computed quickly. '$32,500 for a Memorial Stone?

How big is it?'





Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Ol' Blue


A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Polish Barbershop - This is an actual barbershop in Poland


Click the image to view full size












Be honest:
If this barbershop was in your community
how many haircuts would you get a month?!´