Thursday, September 30, 2010

How ants make their nests [blog]

Ants are very industrious insects in which many people in the world expressed ants’ attitude and behavior in proverbs and pithy words. In fact, in al-Quran (muslim book) itself there was already a devoted one chapter which is called an ant (an-Naml in arabic). Being a small creature with only 2 stomachs and 3 eyes, they can lift the burden of double of their weight. Let us see why the ants are very heralded by many people and cultures. This experiment has been carried out by the investigation unit at NASA in Florida, USA, in which NASA wants to see how ants make their nests.

First, ants are placed in a closed container seen as an aquarium with only a light illuminated by ultra violet (light purple representing the sun) and the transparent medium gel (having the properties of minerals and nutrients as the soil).

After a few minutes away passed, ants were beginning to work, making the holes of small colonies to help other ants move in the “land”. These ants from my opinion want to escape from the hot sun.

As a result, it forms various types of small alleys connecting roads in the soil which is indeed a very unique arts. If we see the container from afar, oh God! it is very beautiful and creative architecture. Let’s take an example of their diligence and creativity and apply in our day life. Plus, they are also seen to work closely together to achieve their goal of making their nests for comfortable.

Words for Women to Live [blog]

  1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.

  2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.

  3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime and a shot of tequila.

  4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

  5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

  6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

  7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

  8. I know I'm in my own little world but it's ok. They know me here.

  9. Lead me not into temptationI can find it myself.

  10. Don't get your knickers in a knot it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.

  11. When life gives you lemons in 2010 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

  12. Remember wher ever there is a good looking sweet single or married man there is some woman tired of his bullshit!

  13. Keep your chin up only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.

  14. If it has Tyres or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble.

  15. By the time a woman realizes her mother was rightshe has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.

911 Trucker Driver [blog]

Have you heard about the trucker who has painted his cab and trailer with the names of all those who lost their lives on 9/11?

The trucker's name is John Holmgren from Shafer, Minn. He has been 'pulled over' numerous times just so the troopers can get their picture taken with the truck.

Nun [blog]

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup. As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.

Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet, you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."

"Look there you go again," said the man. "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"

"Of course not!" gasped the nun. "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."

"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"

"Well, I really don't know ....."

"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me, and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that 'evil' is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."

"Oh, I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."

"Well let's go inside and settle this."

"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me, and I'll try it."

"You're on!" said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup, please."

The bartender sighed and said, "Is that fookin' nun out there again?!"

Top Ten Russian Jokes [blog]

  1. Three workers find themselves locked up, and they ask each other what they're in for.
    The first man says: "I was always ten minutes late to work, so I was accused of sabotage."
    The second man says: "I was always ten minutes early to work, so I was accused of espionage." The third man says: "I always got to work on time, so I was accused of having a Western watch."

  2. An old man is dying in his hovel on the steppes.
    There is a menacing banging on the door.
    'Whose there?' the old man asks.
    'Death 'comes the reply.
    'Thank God for that,' he says, 'I thought it was the KGB.'

  3. Pravda announced that it welcomed letters to the editor.
    All correspondents were required to include their full name, address and next of kin.

  4. Q: "Why do the KGB operate in groups of three?"
    A: "One can read, one can write and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals."

  5. Leonid Brezhnev pays a state visit to France and he's given a VIP guided tour of Paris.
    He's conducted round the splendours of the Élysée Palace,
    but remains as stony-faced as ever.
    He's shown the masterpieces of the Louvre, but the curators fail to get any reaction out of him. He's taken to the Arc de Triomphe, but displays not the slightest interest.
    Eventually, the official motorcade drives him to the foot of the Eiffel Tower,
    where Brezhnev finally stares up in amazement and astonishment.
    He turns to his French hosts and asks in bewilderment:
    "But, Paris is a city of 9 million people... surely you need more than one watchtower?"
    (first heard by me in the Brezhnev era)

  6. Stalin decides to go out one day and see what it's really like for the workers,
    so he puts on a disguise and sneaks out of the Kremlin.
    After a while he wanders into a cinema.
    When the film has finished, the Soviet Anthem plays
    and a huge picture of Stalin appears on the screen.
    Everyone stands up and begins singing, except Stalin, who smugly remains seated.
    A minute later a man behind him leans forwards and whispers in his ear:
    "Listen Comrade, we all feel exactly the same way you do,
    but trust me, it's a lot safer if you just stand up."

  7. A man saves up his ruples and is finally able to buy a car in Soviet Russia.
    After he pays his money the he is told he will have his car in three years.
    "Three years!" he asks
    "What month?"
    "August? What day in August?" He asks
    "The Second of August" is the reply
    "Morning or Afternoon?"
    "Afternoon. Why do you need to know?"
    "The plumber is coming in the morning."

  8. Q: Why do ex-Stasi officers make the best Berlin taxi drivers?
    A: Because you only need to tell them your name and they'll already know where you live!

  9. Moscow in the 1970s.
    Deepest winter.
    A rumour spreads through the city that meat will be available for sale the next day at Butcher's Shop no. 1.
    Tens of thousands turn up on the eve of the event:
    wrapped up against the cold, carrying stools, vodka, and chessboards,
    they form an orderly queue.
    At 3 am the butcher comes out and says,
    "Comrades, I've just had a call from the Party Central Committee:
    it turns out there won't be enough meat for everyone,
    so the Jews in the queue should go home."
    The Jews obediently leave the queue.
    The rest continue to wait.
    At 7 am, the butcher comes out again:
    "Comrades, I've just had another call from Central Committee.
    It turns out there will be no meat at all, so you should all go home."
    The crowd disperses, grumbling all the while:
    "Those bloody Jews get all the luck!"

  10. A KGB officer is walking in the park and he sees and old Jewish man reading a book.
    The KGB says "What are you reading old man?"
    The old man says "I am trying to teach myself Hebrew."
    KGB says "Why are you trying to learn Hebrew? It takes years to get a visa for Israel.
    You would die before the paperwork got done."
    "I am learning Hebrew so that when I die and go to Heaven I will
    be able to speak to Abraham and Moses.
    Hebrew is the language they speak in Heaven." the old man replies
    ."But what if when you die you go to Hell?" asks KGB.
    And the old man replies,
    "Russian, I already know."

Hot Dog [blog]

A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis.

The surgeon examined him and asked, "What happened?"

"Well, doc, I live in a trailer camp," the man explained, "And from where I am I can see this lovely chick next door. She's blonde and built like a brick shithouse. She's so horny that every night I see her take a hot dog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog."

"And?" prompted the doctor.

"Well, I felt this was a lot of wasted pussy, so one day I got under the trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and substituted my dick." "It was a great idea and everything was going well. Then someone knocked at the door, she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove."

Seminars for Women [blog]

(prepared and presented by males ... of course)

  1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

  2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.

  3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.

  4. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.

  5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

  6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.

  7. Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.

  8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.

  9. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.

  10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.

  11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.

  12. Introduction to Parking.

  13. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.

  14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat.

  15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.

  16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.

  17. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.

  18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.

  19. PMS: Your Problem... Not His.

  20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.

  21. Sex: It's For Married Couples Too.

  22. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.

  23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.

  24. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both.

  25. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both. (In case it was missed the first time)

  26. Learning to Go in Public Restrooms: Alone

  27. "Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?" - Why Men Lie.

  28. TV Remotes: For Men Only.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

The Idiot's Guide to Internet Success [blog]

Let's begin (Please take note of the sarcasm in these):
Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?
A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month.

Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?
A: No. This is the Internet.

Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?
A: Yes. This is the Internet.

Q: How do I proceed?
A: As you're surfing around the net you'll see banners and links that say things like "Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!" Simply click the link to get started.

Q: It won't really take ninety days though, will it?
A: Of course not. They just say that so you'll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn't sound like hype.

Q: Okay, I've found one that says "Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!" Is that good?
A: Perfect.

Q: What does MLM mean?
A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains.

Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it's the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since it's MLM, by the time my third level is operating I'll be making $345,915.45 per week.
A: Conservatively.

Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers? A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ... uh, clients. You can switch your mother's long distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her support group.

Q: That sounds a little fishy.
A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people substantial savings on long distance. It's for their own good.

Q: How else can I get new business?
A: Spam. Spam. Spam.

Q: I thought spam was bad.
A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it's bad is just jealous because their brains are too small.

Q: But won't I lose my web host and ISP?
A: In the get-rich-quick business, it's important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers.

Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?
A: Here's a list of suggestions:
  • Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners.
  • Join every free banner exchange.
  • Get your own free-for-all links page.
  • Join every opt-in email list with the word Money, Rich or Lackwit in the title.
  • Buy software that submits your site URL to the 15,000 most important search engines. --Buy software that submits your ad to the 50,000 most-read free classified sites.
  • Hire a bulk emailer.
  • Sponsor a golf tournament.

Q: Okay, I've done all that and I'm still not rich. I haven't even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong?
A: It's possible that you're not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I don't have any friends who have retired on their Internet earnings?
A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet earnings. *

Q: What if I've never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings?
A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.

Caffeine Sermon [blog]

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures:
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz:
It leadeth me in the paths
Of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through
The valley of the shadow of addiction,
I will fear no Equal (tm) :
For thou art with me;
Thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me
In the presence of Juan Valdez:
Thou anointest my day with pep;
My mug runneth over
Surely richness and taste
Shall follow me all the days of my life:
And I will dwell in the House of Maxwell for ever.

Southern Drawl Words Translated [blog]

The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipeline through Washington designating Southern slang, or y'allbonics, as a language to be taught in all Southern schools.

The following are excerpts from the Y'allbonics/English dictionary:

  1. HEIDI - (noun) - Greeting.

  2. HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage "Heidi, Hire yew?"

  3. BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow. "Usage "My brother bard my pickup truck."

  4. JAWJUH - (noun) - The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

  5. BAMMER - (noun) - The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."

  6. MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

  7. THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

  8. BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

  9. IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage "Them bammer boys sure are ignert!"

  10. RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

  11. ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

  12. FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

  13. TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

  14. TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

  15. RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage "My grampaw retard at age 65."

  16. FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."

  17. RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

  18. CHEER - (adverb) In this place. Usage "Just set that bare rat cheer."

  19. FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

  20. DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage "He's did, Jim."

  21. ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas Oxygen. Usage "He cain't breathe...give 'im some ARE!"

  22. BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

  23. JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

  24. HAZE - a contraction. Usage "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."

  25. SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see".

  26. VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun. Usage "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

  27. GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution. Usage "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert."

A Short History of Medicine [blog]

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2004 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

Alternative Ways To Say No [blog]

  • I'd rather have my nipples chewed a pack of wild dogs.

  • I'd rather suck the snot out of a gorilla's nose...until the back of his head caves in!

  • I would rather crush my foreskin between two tables while being bitch whipped by a fat, mustached geek named Spyros.

  • I'd rather drink a gallon of turpentine...and piss on a forest fire.

  • I'd rather suck cow snot...through a straw.

  • I'd rather watch Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne mud wrestle... in the nude.

  • I'd rather bungee jump...with the harness tied to my penis...with your mom lying naked in the landing zone.

  • I would rather spend ten hours getting a tattoo on my back...and then find out it's the wrong one.

  • I'd rather have the ten strongest 300 pound linemen in the NFL play tug of war with my nut sack....each side of 5 pulling a separate nut in a different direction.

  • I would rather have my lower legs stripped with a wood planer...and then wear wool August.

  • I'd rather stick my nose up someone's ass...after he just finished taking a shit.

  • I'd rather shave my poison-ivy covered legs ... with a dull barber's razor...and no water or soap.

  • I'd rather french kiss a barracuda.

  • I'd rather butt fuck a rattlesnake... in a phone booth.

  • I'd rather nail my dick to the middle of a 2x4 and set both ends on fire...and try to get loose with a butter knife.

  • I would rather have sex with Pee Wee Herman in the daylight, without a bag to put over his head.

  • I'd rather drink for a week from the septic tank...of the 700 pound man next door.

  • I'd rather wipe my anus with barbed wire.

  • I'd rather insert and break a slender glass rod in my penis... then tie it in a knot.

  • I'd rather lick an elephant's asshole...after he had just dropped a load of steaming diarrhea.

  • I'd rather run naked through a rosebush garden...then jump into a pool filled with chlorine.

  • l would rather lie under an elephant with August...with my mouth propped open.

  • I'd rather ride a donkey naked through the desert...with snapping turtles attached to my nipples.

  • I'd rather be tied to a chair...and forced to listen to Barry Manilow tunes..while having my tonsils removed with a rusty spoon.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Advertising Bloopers [blog]

  1. The American Dairy Association was so successful with its "Got Milk?" campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation was "Are you lactating?"

  2. Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

  3. Colgate introduced a toothpaste called "Cue" in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine.

  4. Coors Beers put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

  5. Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

  6. A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

  7. When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off"

  8. Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment - Use Quink" into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink"...which also means, "Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink."

  9. When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."

  10. In Italy, a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated the name into the much less thirst quenching "Schweppes Toilet Water."

  11. Chinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn't until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with "ko-kou-ko-le" which translates roughly to the much more appropriate "happiness in the mouth."

  12. Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.

  13. The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "it doesn't go" in Spanish.

  14. Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with "Corcel" which means horse.

  15. When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside since most people can't read.

World's Largest Super-Tanker [blog]

The vessel Knock Nevis is the largest super-tanker (ULCC built ever. The deadweight of the vessel is 565,000 metric tons, the length is 458 meters, beam of 69 meters and draft of 26.4 meters. The vessel Knock Nevis is the largest one in comparison with all other vessels from this type, while the character using is deadweight. The story about this is very interesting and very nice, in my own oppinion. The vessel was ordered into the ship-yard and idea about this vessel was to be the largest one built ever. In spite of this fact, the ship-owner ordered to Knock Nevis to be added 87,000 thousand tones to the deadweight, with the idea this vessel to becaome some symbol of oil tankering and shipping at all. So the vessel collected the whole 565,000 metric tons deadweight and now is the largest ULCC in the world. In all other competitison, just for example Gross Tonnage and Net Tonnage, the vessel is losing the first place from the Euronav and Overseas Super-tankers TI Europe, TI Asia and TI Oceania. In spite of this Knock Nevis is a symbol in shipping and will all the time stay in the hearts of all ships fans.

The vessel Knock Nevis, was built with the name Seawise Giant, and changed her name some times. The last name of the ship and most famous one was Jahre Viking. This was the last sailing name of the ship. After renaming of Jahre Viking to Knock Nevis on 2004, the vessel is anchoren in the Persian Bay, near Qatar, where is used as sailing storage tank. The vessel was too hard for opperation, because the restriction of Suez Canal and Panama Canal, are making the expences about long voyages too big and the profits of Knock nevis were too little for such large ship.

The vessel has a displacement of 647,955 metric tones and can carry 4.1 million barrels of crude oil. This capacity is just enormous, and you can imagine that with one delivery of this vessel the whole world economy will be able to perform for more than 2 days. That is why super-tankers are so used in the world of shipping, but while sailing thay are making too great risks for the ecology.

The Therapist's Advice [blog]

Paddy was passing by Mick's hay shed in Old Ireland one day when through a gap in the door he saw Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson tractor.

Buttocks clenched, Mick performed a slow pirouette and gently slid off his jacket.

He then hunched his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move let his suspenders fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he ripped it apart to reveal his tea- stained vest underneath. And with a final flourish he hurled his flat cap onto a pile of hay.

"What the heck are you doing, Mick?" asked Paddy.

"Waal Paddy, me boy, ye frightened the heck out of me", said an obviously embarrassed Mick, "but me and the missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and our therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

English subtitles [blog]

The following are supposedly actual English subtitles used in films from Hong Kong:

  1. I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

  2. Gun wounds again?

  3. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

  4. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

  5. Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.

  6. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.

  7. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

  8. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

  9. I will surround their house by myself.

  10. Beat him out of recognizable shape!

  11. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination.

  12. I have been scared silly too much lately.

  13. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

  14. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

  15. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

  16. How can you use my intestines as a gift?

  17. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some butt of the giant lizard person.

  18. Your western eyes will be fingered from your face.

  19. The Americans will not save you for Christmas.

  20. Feeling sexual we will invade into your women.

  21. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.

A Wealthy Couple [blog]

A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving him the evening off to do as he pleased since they would be out until quite late. The couple went to the ball and dinner.

After an hour and a half, the wife told her husband that she was horribly bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day. The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people who were his new business partners.

So, the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out on the couch watching TV. She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She asked him to come closer. Then even closer. She moved forward and whispered in his ear:

"Take off my dress...."
"Now, take off my bra."
"Next, remove my shoes and stockings."
"Now, remove my garter belt and panties."

She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted:

"The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, your ass is fired!"

Monday, September 27, 2010

Mexican Restaurant [blog]

Two older Jewish men, Sid and Ben, were sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Phoenix on one very sunny day.

Sid asked Ben, ‘Do you know of any people of our faith born and reared in Mexico?’

Ben replied, ‘I do not know. We will ask our waiter.’

When the waiter arrived, Ben asked, ‘Are there any Mexican Jews?’

The waiter said, ‘I do not a know senor, I ask the cooks.’ He returned from the kitchen after a few minutes and said, ‘No senor. The cook, he say, ‘No Mexican Jews’.’

Ben, being on the persistent side, was not satisfied and asked, ‘Are you absolutely sure?’

The waiter, realizing he was dealing with a couple of Gringos, replied, ‘I check once again, Senor!’ and went back into the kitchen.

While the waiter was away, Sid said, 'I find it hard to believe there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered all over the world.'

The waiter returned and said, ‘Senor, the head cook, he say there is no Mexican Jews.’

‘Are you absolutely certain?’ Ben asked again. ‘I just cannot believe there are no Mexican Jews!’

‘SENOR, I ask EVERYONE,’ replied the exasperated waiter. ‘All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews.’

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Amazing B17 Story [blog]

Look carefully at the B-17 and note how shot up it is - one engine dead, tail, horizontal stabilizer and nose shot up... It was ready to fall out of the sky.

This is a painting done by an artist from the description of both pilots many years later.

Then realize that there is a German ME-109 fighter flying next to it. Now read the story below. I think you'll be surprised ....

Charlie Brown was a B-17 Flying Fortress pilot with the 379th Bomber Group at Kimbolton, England .. His B-17 was called 'Ye Old Pub' and was in a terrible state, having been hit by flak and fighters. The compass was damaged and they were flying deeper over enemy territory instead of heading home to Kimbolton.

After flying the B-17 over an enemy airfield, a German pilot named Franz Stigler was ordered to take off and shoot down the B-17.

When he got near the B-17, he could not believe his eyes. In his words, he 'had never seen a plane in such a bad state'. The tail and rear section was severely damaged, and the tail gunner wounded. The top gunner was all over the top of the fuselage. The nose was smashed and there were holes everywhere.

Despite having ammunition, Franz flew to the side of the B-17 and looked at Charlie Brown, the pilot. Brown was scared and struggling to control his damaged and blood-stained plane.

BF-109 pilot Franz Stigler

B-17 pilot Charlie Brown

Aware that they had no idea where they were going, Franz waved at Charlie to turn 180 degrees. Franz escorted and guided the stricken plane to, and slightly over, the North Sea towards England . He then saluted Charlie Brown and turned away, back to Europe.

When Franz landed he told the CO that the plane had been shot down over the sea, and never told the truth to anybody.

Charlie Brown and the remains of his crew told all at their briefing, but were ordered never to talk about it.

More than 40 years later, Charlie Brown wanted to find the Luftwaffe pilot who saved the crew. After years of research, Franz was found. He had never talked about the incident, not even at post-war reunions.

They met in the USA at a 379th Bomber Group reunion, together with 25 people who are alive now - all because Franz never fired his guns that day.

(L-R) German Ace Franz Stigler, artist Ernie Boyett,
And B-17 pilot Charlie Brown.

When asked why he didn't shoot them down, Stigler later said, “I didn't have the heart to finish those brave men. I flew beside them for a long time. They were trying desperately to get home and I was going to let them do that. I could not have shot at them. It would have been the same as shooting at a man in a parachute.”

Both men died in 2008

This is a true story!

Blonde Wife [blog]

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupidso she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at workshe decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next dayright after her husband leaves for workshe gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said to achieve best results,put on two coats.

Ski Trip [blog]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack 's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, ' Bob , do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob 's face turned beet red and he said,'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

How quickly can you identify these words? [blog]

  1. F_ _K  
  2. PU_S_
  3. S_X
  4. P_N_S
  5. BOO_S
  6. _ _NDOM
Answers below. 

  1. FORK
  2. PULSE
  3. SIX
  4. PANTS
  5. BOOKS
You got all 6 wrong, didn't you?  

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Youth - A Poem [blog]


Samuel Ullman

Youth is not a time of life; it is a state of mind; it is not a matter of rosy cheeks, red lips and supple knees; it is a matter of the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions; it is the freshness of the deep springs of life.

Youth means a temperamental predominance of courage over timidity of the appetite, for adventure over the love of ease. This often exists in a man of sixty more than a boy of twenty. Nobody grows old merely by a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals.

Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, fear, self-distrust bows the heart and turns the spirit back to dust.

Whether sixty or sixteen, there is in every human being’s heart the lure of wonder, the unfailing child-like appetite of what’s next, and the joy of the game of living. In the center of your heart and my heart there is a wireless station; so long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer, courage and power from men and from the infinite, so long are you young.

When the aerials are down, and your spirit is covered with snows of cynicism and the ice of pessimism, then you are grown old, even at twenty, but as long as your aerials are up, to catch the waves of optimism, there is hope you may die young at eighty.

If you would like to read more about Samuel Ullman and this poem, you might try Margaret E. Armbrester’s biography: Samuel Ullman and “Youth”: The Life, the Legacy (

Thursday, September 23, 2010

These are interesting things [blog]

Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?

A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called 'pygg'. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as 'pygg banks.' When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a bank that resembled a pig. And it caught on.

Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half dollars have notches, while pennies and nickels do not?

A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small quantities of the precious metals. Dimes, quarters and half dollars are notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels aren't notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough to shave.

Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?

A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right! Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. And that's where women's buttons have remained since.

Q: Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?

A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.

Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called 'passing the buck'?

A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility, he would 'pass the buck' to the next player.

Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?

A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would then just Touch or clink the host's glass with his own.

Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be 'in the limelight'?

A: Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and stage lighting by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre, performers on stage 'in the limelight' were seen by the audience to be the center of attention.

Q: Why do ships and aircraft in trouble use 'mayday' as their call for help?

A: This comes from the French word m'aidez - meaning 'help me' - and is pronounced 'mayday.'

Q: Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine'?

A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud. If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.

Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?

A: In France, where tennis first became popular, a big, round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is French for 'egg.' When tennis was introduced in the US, Americans pronounced it 'love.'

Q: In golf, where did the term 'Caddie' come from?

A: When Mary, later Queen of Scots, went to France as a young girl (for education & survival), Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scot game 'golf.' So he had the first golf course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the Long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into 'caddie.'

Misses Her Period [blog]

An eighteen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man, with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach Villa and a $1,000, 000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $500,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage......."

At this point, the father, who had remained silent all the time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You'll fuck her again!"

Beside The Lake [blog]

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh, if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, that fish will jump for the fly, and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish leaps for it, that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper trophy."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more.

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish, the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish, and that hunter shoots that bear, and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich, then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the
cooling mist of the water,
The fish swallows the fly,
The bear grabs the fish,
The hunter shoots the bear,
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich,
The cat jumps for the mouse,
The mouse ducks, and
The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is:

Whenever a fly goes down three inches, Some pussy is probably in danger!

A little old lady [blog]

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say,

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.

Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

Fairy [blog]

I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Democrats get their heads out of their asses!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

A Very Serious Disease [blog]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check
up, the doctor called his wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very serious disease,
combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your
husband can die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant
and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch, fix him a nutritious
meal. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden
him with chores. Don't discuss your stress; this will probably make him
feel worse. And most importantly, you must be intimate with your husband
every day of the week, giving him oral sex every other day. If you can
do this for at least 10 months to a year, I think your husband will
regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say to

"You're going to die."

USS Hornet the most haunted vessel in the American Navy [blog]

The USS Hornet was a flagship vessel in the U.S. Navy during World War II and was one of the most highly decorated ships of that time period. She was also a pinnacle part of the Vietnam War and had the honor of recovering the astronauts returning from the moon in the Apollo 11 and 12 space missions. This success also has a dark side as this decorated warship has seen over 300 deaths. Most of which were men struck down in battle, but others died in freak accidents like snapping cables that decapitate sailors or men accidentally being sucked into air intake pipes. The hornet, for all its success, also has the highest suicide rate of all the ships in the Navy.

The ship was retired in 1970 and was docked in Alameda, California and was opened up to the public in 1998 as a museum. It was then that many of the visiting tourists and crew aboard the ship began having paranormal experiences. Doors opening and shutting with no visible force, disappearing tools, objects moving by themselves, and the apparitions of sailors carrying about with their duties as if it was still 1944 are among the paranormal claims. Some people even claim that the ghosts on board the ship can be hostile in nature with claims that some have been pushed and grabbed by an invisible force while on board the ship.

The USS Hornet is a ship rich and history and possible rich in paranormal activity as well. Perhaps the cause for all this activity is the tragic past and abundance untimely deaths. Regardless of the cause of the haunting, the ship is notorious for its historical value as well as its ghosts. It is often called the most haunted vessel in the American Navy.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

St. Peter at the pearly gates [blog]

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. " On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. "So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"

"A couple minutes ago"

Little Johnny [blog]

Little Johnny runs into the living room one day and says, "Mom, why has
granny got a shrimp between her legs?"

"Don't be silly, granny hasn't got a shrimp between her legs!" his
mother replies.

But Little Johnny is insistent "She has, she has!" he shouts.

With this his mother grabs Little Johnny by the hand and says, "Ok, I
have had enough of your foolishness. Show me!"

Little Johnny drags his mother into grandma's room where, being a very
hot evening, granny is fast asleep on top of her bed with no clothes on.
Little Johnny drags his mother to the end of the bed and points between
granny's legs. "Look I told you so" he shouts "See a little shrimp!"

His mother calmly decides she had better explain. "Ok Little Johnny, I
know it looks a bit like a little shrimp but it's called a clitoris."

"That's funny" retorts Little Johnny "It tastes like shrimp........"

The Italian Nursing Home [blog]

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather (Abuelo) in a nursing home.

All the Hispanic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.

'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson.

'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful, says grandpa.

'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.'

'Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents.

Abuelo says with a big smile. 'There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!'

'There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and

everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!'

'There's a dentist here -- 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor!'

'And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Mexican'

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Actual meanings of words used by women [blog]

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

This is the calm before the storm. This means “something” and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in “fine”.

Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON’T DO IT!

Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing”.

That’s Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you, do not question it, just say you’re welcome and back out of the room slowly

Turtle Joke [blog]

Once upon a time there was a guy walking along on all fours. He comes to another man who he knows. This man says to the man on all fours, "Mate, what are you doing crawling around on your knees?"

The guy on his knees looks up at him and says, "I'm a turtle, I'm a turtle."

The guy looks at him and goes, "Ahhh, yeah, right-o," and off he went. Next day comes and the same thing happens. The guy asks him again, "Mate, what are you doing crawling around like that?"

"I'm a turtle, I'm a turtle."

The guy goes, "Mate, you've lost your mind, See ya later." Third day, the guy comes around the corner on all fours again, this time he's got a girl on his back. The man says to him, "I thought you'd lost your mind before, but this one really takes the cake. What the hell are you doing now?"

The guy says to him, "I'm a turtle, I'm a turtle."

The other guy goes to him, "But what's that on your back?"

The guy looks up at him and says, "Oh, that's Michelle!"

Holy Shit #17

Monday, September 20, 2010

Biblical Humor [blog]

Q: What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A: Ruthless.

Q: What do they call pastors in Germany?
A: German Shepherds.

Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A: Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q: Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A: Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a Little prophet.

Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A: Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A: Samson. He brought the house down.

Q: What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in in Eden ?
A: Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q: Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A: Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q: Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A: The area around Jordan . The banks were always overflowing.

Q: Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A: David He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q: Which Bible character had no parents?
A: Joshua, son of Nun.

Q: Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
A: Because Noah was standing on the deck. ( Groan.)

PS... Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee? Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . 'He-brews'

Holy Shit #16

Girlfriend [blog]

A husband and wife are having dinner at a fine restaurant, when a gorgeous woman unknown to the wife walks up to the husband, kisses him on the lips and says "See you tonight, honey", and then walks away.

"Who the hell was that?" demands the wife.

"That was my girlfriend."

"So that's it?!", she exclaims. "That does it, you've gone too far. I want a divorce!"

"I understand your feelings", the husband replies quietly, "but bear in mind that is also the end of all the shopping trips to Paris, cruises in the Caribbean, vacations in Tahiti, and you'll no longer be driving the Ferraris and Lamborghinis."

That very moment their family friend Dave walks in with a stunning woman at his arm. "Who's that bitch with Dave?", asks the wife.

"Well - that's his girlfriend", answers the husband.

"Ours is prettier!", states the wife.

Bank Robbery [blog]

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank, and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.

Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."

Church Football [blog]

Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the

Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

Halftime - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave

Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.

Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.

Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime".

Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or
fellow member.

Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the
sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return
for the evening service.

Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

Automotive Technology [blog]

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."

"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Lost golf game [blog]

A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as though he'd
just escaped a tornado.

"What's wrong?" a woman asked.

"I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said.

"What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have
beaten you?"

"He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he asked for a
handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes- any handicap he
wanted. He said, `Just give me two gotchas´."

"What's a gotcha?" asked the woman.

"That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. "Houlihan said, `You´ll
see.´ Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he
screamed out `Gotcha!´"

"I can guess what happened," the woman said.

"Sure," the pro said. "The scream threw me off, and I missed the ball

"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only one swing. How
did he win the game?"

The pro answered, "You try swinging at a golf ball all day while waiting
for that second `gotcha´!"

Polar Bear [blog]

A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, "Mommy, am I a real polar bear?"

"Of course you are." His mother replied.

The young polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?"

"Yes, you are a real polar bear."

A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?"

"Yes" said his parents.

Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are all my relatives real polar bears?"

"Yes, they are all real polar bears." Said his parents.

"Why do you ask?" replied his mother.

"Because," said the young polar bear, "I'm freezing!"

Holy Shit #15

Sofa Pool Table [blog]

Dancing Duck [blog]

A man walks into a bar with a duck and a biscuit tin. He sets the duck
on top of the biscuit tin on the bar and the duck begins dancing. The
barman finds this rather interesting as do the rest of the punters in
the pub. They all come round the duck and watch it for ages, and while
doing so, buy more and more drink. By the end of the night the bar is
full of people watching this amazing duck, still dancing and giving the
odd quack now and again.

The barman realizes that he hasn't had business this good in a long
time. It is so good that he offers to buy the duck from the man to which
the man agrees to sell for $500. The barman thinks it is a bit expensive
but agrees to buy it anyhow. On selling the duck, the man goes home
leaving a crowded pub watching his dancing duck.

Later that night, the man gets a telephone call. It is the barman and he
exclaims that the duck is a great success and that he has his money back
in the amount of drink he has sold, but he says, "There is one thing...
How do you get the duck to stop dancing?"

The man replies, "Oooh simple! Just take the lid off the biscuit box and
blow out the candle."

Saturday, September 18, 2010

U.S. Marine Colonel briefing to his staff [blog]

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

Gold Miner [blog]

In 1849 a miner comes into a new town after being in the field for a month. He's carrying a sack of gold. The first thing he does is head to the local saloon.

As he approaches the bar he flips the sack of gold on the bar and says, "Hey barkeep give everybody in the place a drink, I'm going upstairs to take a shower. Send up a steak dinner and the prettiest girl in town. Take out a few bucks for your troubles."

The bartender hollers out, "Sorry mac there aren't any women in town. All we got is an old Chinaman."

The gold miner without missing a step up the stairs, answers,

" I don't go for that kinda shit. But if I am horny and how much would that cost, just out of curiousity?

The bartender replies, "That will be $600.00 in advance."

The miner turns around in disbelief and screams, "WHAT!? $600.00 for an old Chinaman?"

The bartender replies, "No Sir, the $600.00 is for the three guys that are going to hold the Chinaman down. He don't go for that kinda shit either."

Holy Shit #14

Norwegian Roofs [blog]