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Thursday, December 30, 2010

Towboat Accident



















Why Some Men Have Dogs and Not Wives

  1. The later you are, the more excited your Dogs are to see you.

  2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another Dog's name.

  3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

  4. A Dog's Parents never visit.

  5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

  6. You never have to wait for a Dog; they are ready to go 24 hours a day.

  7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

  8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

  9. A Dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another Dog?"

  10. If a Dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

  11. A Dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

  12. If a Dog smells another Dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

  13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:
If a Dog leaves, it won't take over half of your stuff.

To test this theory:
Lock your Wife and your Dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Word/name association

Seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful and introduces them to a technique called word/name association. They come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it.

Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden.

"Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?"

"Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute... What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems...?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yeah, that's it...(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor's name?"

Winter Festival in China

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These impressive ice sculptures are part of a display for the upcoming Harbin International Ice and Snow Festival.

The festival officially begins on January 5, when 800,000 tourists are expected to visit the freezing city in northern China.

As well as the colourful life-sized ice buildings, which reflect traditional Chinese architecture, there is also a 160m high Father Christmas sculpture, said by organisers to be the world's largest.


Harbin, which fringes Siberia, plays host to the festival each year, but organisers have revealed that the effects of global warming are taking a toll as the snow and ice now melt more rapidly than in the past.


Unseasonably warm temperatures have made the job especially challenging, said Tang Guangjun, one of the sculptors.

'The weather swings between warm and cold, so it becomes very wet and slippery on the ice. It is very dangerous for us,' he said.

The display is expected to boost local trade during the economic downturn.


'It can stimulate the economy and consumption. When people feel happier, they will want to spend more, so it will lift the economy of the city and even the country,' said Li Qingsheng, a tourist from Beijing.

Officials in Harbin remained optimistic about the tourist outlook for the winter.


Harbin, the capital of Heilongjiang province on the edge of Siberia, is one of China's coldest places. Winter temperatures can drop to below minus 35 degrees Celsius





An estimated 800,000 tourists, 90 per cent of them Chinese, were expected to visit the ice festival, said Jia Yan, director of the local tourism bureau.


The festival traditionally runs from mid-December to early February.

What's a blowjob?

The abbot of a nearby abbey was out in the city running errands downtown when he saw a woman of questionable character say to a passerby,

"Twenty bucks for a blowjob," at which point the passerby and the woman promptly went down the next alley, where they went out of view.

The abbot was perplexed, for the very same thing occurred at another street corner in the city. He was walking down a sidewalk, when another woman, much the same as the first, stated to another passerby, "Twenty bucks for a blowjob," at which point
the two rapidly went into a nearby alley, where the abbot couldn't see what was going on.

Still not knowing what a "blowjob" was, the abbot left the city as naive as he was upon entering it. Back up the hill, the abbot was still contemplating what a blowjob was, so he went to see the mother superior at the adjacent convent.

"Mother superior," he asked, "what's a blowjob?"

"Twenty bucks, same as downtown!"

New Bride

A young, naive new bride went to lunch with an older more experienced girlfriend from work soon after returning from her honeymoon. Her newfound friend was enquiring, "How she was enjoying married life?"

"Well," the new bride responded, "I'm a bit concerned cuz my husband has this habit of falling asleep with his erect penis inside of me."

"Is that a problem for you?" her girlfriend asked.

The response was, "Well, the problem is he walks in his sleep!"

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Penguin

Little Johnny And Little Susie

Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they know that they are in love. One day they decide they want to get married, so Little Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand.

Little Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love
and I'm asking for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Little Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Little Johnny replies. "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."

Again, Little Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Little Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Little Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Little Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Little Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "That's okay, I'll just keep fucking her up the ass for now..."

Getting Older

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said, "Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."

"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.

"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time I was able to get it up in bed, but my wife - she's healthier than ever!"

"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.

"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd get these terrible headaches," he answered. "Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years."

Crazy Pictures

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Snow Toons

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Aggressive Dog

An old man had a dog he just loved but the dog had the bad habit of attacking anything that moved including people. His friends told him that if he had the dog fixed he would lose his aggressions and quit this behavior.

So the old man had his dog fixed and a few days later was in his front room when the mailman came up the steps. The dog jumped up and went right through the screen door and attacked the mailman. The old man ran out and pulled his dog off and began apologizing to the mailman.

He said, "I am so sorry, I don't know what to say or do. My friends told me he would quit attacking people if I had him fixed. I just don't know what to do."

The mailman picked himself up and said, "You should have had his teeth pulled. I knew when he came through the door he wasn't going to screw me."

The Smart Car

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It's cute, frugal on gas and has a high safety rating according to the manufacturer.




But in reality, you can't change the laws of physics...




Still want one? ( Picture taken outside New Orleans )

Sound Advice

Jock's nephew came to him with a problem. "I have my choice of two women," he said, "a beautiful, penniless young girl whom I love dearly, and a rich old widow whom I can't stand."

"Follow your heart; marry the girl you love," Jock counseled.

"Very well, Uncle Jock," said the nephew, "that's sound advice."

"By the way," asked Jock "where does the widow live?"

Monday, December 27, 2010

Sexual One-liners

A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.

Q: How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
A: By sticking your finger in his honey.

Q: What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
A: S&M&M.

Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A: No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q: Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?
A: He was half nuts!!!

Q: What do you call a blonde grabbing at air?
A: Collecting her thoughts

Q: What do women and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both squirm when you eat them.

Q: What's 69 and 69?
A: Dinner for four.

Q: What's worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?
A: Being fingered by Captain Hook.

Q: What's the difference between Like and Love?
A: Spit and Swallow.

Q: Why do female paratroopers wear jockstraps?
A: So they don't whistle on the way down.

Q: How can you tell a macho woman?
A: She rolls her own tampons.

Q: How do you recycle a used tampon?
A: As a tea-bag for vampires.

Q: What do you do in case of fallout?
A: Put it back in and take shorter strokes

Q: What's better than a rose on your piano?
A: Tulips on your organ

Q: What are the three greatest lies?
A: a) the check is in the mail b) small is beautiful c) I won't come in your mouth

Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid?
A: When you open her legs the lights go on

Q: What kind of bees give milk?
A: Boo bees.

Q: Hear about the bargain hunter who got his vasectomy at Sears?
A: Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up.

Q: What's hard and straight going in, soft and sticky coming out?
A: Chewing gum.

Q: What is the definition of wicker box?
A: It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

Q: What is the area between the vagina and the anus called?
A: A chin rest.

Q: What do you call a female midget who's nice and gives head?
A: Short, sweet, and to the point!

Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

Q: What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater?
A: An armadildo.

Q: What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
A: Come in eight flavors.

Q: Do you know why it's called sex?
A: Because it's easier to spell than... "Uhhhhh..oooohh...Ahhhhhh....AIIEEEEEEE!!!"

Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A tea bag.

Q: If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?
A: Divorce proceedings, most likely.

Completely Dry Niagra Falls

Although it lasted only for six months, Niagara Falls stopped after flowing continuously for over 12,000 years. It happened in June 1969 when U.S. Army Corp of Engineers was improving the health of the American Falls by diverting the 60,000 gallons flow of the Niagara River away to the Canadian side of the border. They built a 600ft dam across the river and removed a big amount of rocks from the falls base. American engineers also made geological testing to assure that all other stones were safe.

Niagara Falls was finally re-watered on November 25, 1969 when engineers blew up their dam. Over 2,500 onlookers were witnessing this historic occasion.

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Little Johnny - Worms

Little Johnny refused to eat. So his mother, in desperation, took him to the psychiatrist, who tried many methods, to no avail. The psychiatrist asked, "What would you like to eat?"

"Worms" Little Johnny said. The psychiatrist was gleeful as he sent his nurse for cupful. Placing them on a plate, he said, "Here they are."

"I want them fried" was the response.

The nurse took them and had them fried.

When presented with them, Little Johnny replied that he only desired one. The psychiatrist took one and in a strong voice said, "Here is only one. Now eat it."

"I only want half and you eat the other" was the reply.

The psychiatrist swallowed one half and gave the other to Little Johnny. Just then Little Johnny began to cry. The doctor asked what was wrong.

Little Johnny said, "You ate my half!"

Interesting Cookies

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