Rules To Determine If Sex Counts

Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other.

1. Oral Sex does not count.

2. If you can't remember the person's name the following day, doesn't count.

3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex, doesn't count

4. If neither of you achieved orgasm, doesn't count

5. Sex with a friend, doesn't count, it's just another thing you share

6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "did I shave my legs for this", doesn't count

7. An old flame, doesn't count

8. An ex-spouse, doesn't count, refer to this as a "pity fuck"

9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not sex...not cheating

10. Cyber-sex - NO WAY - this is glorified masturbation

11. Two heterosexual women having fun, not sex

12. Kissing body parts is not cheating

13. An act to make a married person feel good about them-selves, not sex, BUT only if you do not know their significant other

14. An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn't count

15. An act committed with a family member of your significant other, doesn't count, this should be referred to as "a skeleton in the family closet "...not cheating

16. Acts committed in a public place, doesn't count (why should it, it was public, right?)

17. Phone sex, doesn't count, refer back to "glorified masturbation"

18. In car, doesn't count, way too cramped, if vehicle is in motion and has a console or stick shift, this counts, way too kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back to rule #1

19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn't count

20. An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been exchanged (pull 'n pray method of birth control) doesn't count

21. An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn't count (not considered to be intimate)...not cheating

22. Any act in which "you do all the work", doesn't count

23. An act committed with your next door neighbor, doesn't count, this should be referred to as "being neighborly"

24. Any act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with your significant other doesn't count

25. An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn't count, this should be considered "getting acquainted".

26. An act with a US President doesn't count, unless the Senate votes impeachment.

27. Any act with your boss, doesn't count, just considered career enhancement; and/or additional employee benefits.