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Tuesday, January 31, 2012

In The Pub Toilet

A guy is in the pub toilet having a piss when the door to the bathroom opens. In walks a very large, very muscular guy. This guy proceeds to pull down his pants, revealing a very large penis.

To the man's amazement, the muscular guy growls and slams his penis into the sink attached to the wall. It shatters, spraying pieces and water everywhere. Next, the muscular man growls louder, and slams his penis into one of the stalls, making the entire thing collapse. Then he slams his penis into the wall of the room, knocking a very large hole into it.

The muscular man approaches the scared guy having a piss.

"Hey, mate, do you see this very large, very strong cock?" he asks.

"Yes," replies the guy taking a leak.

"Do you know what I am going to do with this very large, very strong cock?" the muscular man asks.

"No, I'm afraid I don't," says the first man.

"I'm going to shove it up your arse!" exclaims the muscular guy.

"Jesus, that's a relief. I thought you were going to hit me with it!"

Sperm Bank

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm of royal blood and an I. Q. of 165, I'd like to make a donation".

The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room.

20 minutes later the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?"

"I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?"

The nurse replied, "I don't usually do this but you are kinda cute..." She gets on her knees and begins to blow him.

"I really appreciate this, but I need help getting the cap off the jar!"

Romantic Dinner

A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in."

Simple Sentence 1

Anti-Carjacking Device

Moscow

Stress Reduction Kit

Worst Part Of Censorship

Smartphones in Battle

Italian Cruise Ship

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Diamonds 3

Diamonds 2

Diamonds 1

Shit I Dropped My Nokia Phone

Unbreakable Phone

Sex therapist

Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people masturbate in the shower. The other ten percent of them sing."

"Really?" asked the friend.

The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, "And do you know what the most popular song people sing in the shower?"

The friend shook her head and replied, "No."

The therapist replied, "I didn't think so."

Lord Of The Phones

Newlywed wife

The newlywed wife wakes up her husband and says," Breakfast is ready. You need to eat something before going outdoors to work on the barn."

He says, "All I want to eat is you." and he does.

She throws away his breakfast.

He come in at noontime and she says,

"I fixed you a nice lunch to eat, since you didn't have breakfast."

He says, "All I want to eat is you." and he does.

She throws away his lunch.

When he comes in late in the evening he finds his wife is naked and sliding down the bannister, running back up the stairs, and sliding down again.

In total bewilderment he ask what she is doing.

She says, "There was breakfast. There was lunch. Now, I'm just warming up your dinner."