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Sunday, February 26, 2012

Trying To Understand Some People

Some Mornings

Pull Up Your Pants

Horny

Victoria's Secret

The Future

Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support

Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support

  • Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen
    A: Pick it up and shake it.

  • Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
    A: Pick it up and shake it.

  • Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
    A: Pick it up and shake it.

  • Q: How do I create a New Document window?
    A: Pick it up and shake it.

  • Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
    A: Pick it up and shake it.

  • Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
    A: Pick it up and shake it.

  • Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
    A: Pick it up and shake it.

  • Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
    A: Don't shake it.

Play a Jazz Chord

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice

"Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts

"No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

A bit nonplussed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.

The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

Well and truly brassed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartie pants! You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike, and starts to sing .....

"A jazz chord to say I ruv you ................."

KIA & NOKIA

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Alzheimers Eye Test

ALZHEIMERS EYE TEST
(I love this part.. its absolutely amazing!)
Count every " F " in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
(SEE BELOW)


HOW MANY ?



WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.



The reasoning behind is further down.



The brain cannot process "OF".



Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!



Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.



Three is normal, four is quite rare.

Problem with gas

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts... although still silent... stink terribly."

"Good!" the doctor says, "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

Breast Fed

A young woman with a baby was shown into the examining room. The doctor examined the baby and then asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or bottle fed?"

"Breast fed," replied the woman.

"Strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

The woman did as she was told and the doctor examined her breasts. He squeezed and pulled each one for a while and then he sucked hard on each nipple. Finally he remarked, "No wonder this child is suffering from malnutrition. You don't have any milk!"

"That's right," said the woman. "This is my sister's child."

"Well," said the startled doctor. "I had no idea. You shouldn't have come."

"I didn't," replied the woman, "until you started sucking on my second breast."

A Deaf Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million dollars. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he was hired in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather says to the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million dollars are that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asked Enzo where the money was hidden.

Enzo signed back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulled out a pistol, put it to Enzo's temple and said, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signed to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signed back, "Okay, you win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge!"

The Godfather asked the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replied, "He said you don't have the courage to pull the trigger."

Brain Study

Wow! It took me a few seconds, but then I got the hang of it...I've seen this with
the letters out of order, but this is the first time I've seen it with numbers.

Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind:


7H15 M3554G3
53RV35 7O PR0V3
H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N
D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG
17 WA5 H4RD BU7
N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
Y0UR M1ND 1S
R34D1NG 17
4U70M471C4LLY
W17H 0U7 3V3N
7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,
B3 PROUD! 0NLY
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
R3AD 7H15.
PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F
U C4N R34D 7H15.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Priest & Rabbi

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying, "I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork. Have you actually ever tasted it?"
The rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too... I know you're suposed to be celibate, but...?"

The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

S&M Relationship

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation.

They begin to talk and bring each other up to date.

The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"

Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."

Prostitutes Checkup

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular checkup.

"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?"

"Well," the doctor answered, "hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?"

After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."

Blonde’s Suicide

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?"

"No, silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So, then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So, then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought, "This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger."

Trophies

Don't Raise Your Voice

Weird Sex Laws

Life Is Like Chocolate

Mr Bean & Dr House

Life Is Too Short







South Carolina Troopers

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
  1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

  2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

  3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

  4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

  5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

  6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

  7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

  8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

  9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

  10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

  11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

  12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

  13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

  14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

  15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

  16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Why Sheep Are Better Than...

  • You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear.

  • Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather.

  • Cotton mouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease.

  • Nuttin' beats mutton!

  • Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel.

  • Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort your coke, and then tell you they have to be home early.

  • Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down.

  • Sheep never ask about your former lovers, and then get pissed off when you tell them.

  • No matter how old or ugly you are, you can always find a willing ewe.

  • Sheep are never concerned about their reputation.

  • Sheep won't tell all their friends about the time you couldn't get it up.

  • Sheep won't ask if you're gay when you can't get it up for the second time.

  • Sheep never insist on eating out.

  • You'll never catch your sheep masturbating to a picture of Brad Pitt.

  • Sheep don't get suspicious if you have to work late.

  • Sheep don't smell like tuna fish.

  • Sheep don't get moody once a month.

  • You can eat a lamb chop without getting wool stuck in your teeth.

  • A sheep doesn't expect you to support her for the rest of her life after one roll in the hay.

  • A sheep never wears curlers and a mud pack to bed.

  • A sheep doesn't stop screwing after the honeymoon.

  • A sheep won't get drunk and throw up in your car.

  • A sheep won't think that a weekend stay-over entitles her to rearrange your furniture and put up new curtains.

  • A sheep won't expect you to pay...and pay...and pay...and pay.

  • A sheep will never complain about the spittoon in your pickup.

  • A sheep will never throw out your old copies of Playboy.

  • A sheep won't care if you keep your fish bait in the refrigerator.

  • Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth

  • A sheep will never sue you for palimony.

  • A sheep won't care if you screw her sister.

  • A sheep won't care if your secretary is better looking than she is.

  • A sheep will never tell you the ceiling needs to be painted while you're screwing.

  • Sheep never have a headache.

  • A sheep won't use your razor to shave its legs, or your pocketknife to open a paint can.

  • A sheep won't leave wet nylons hanging all over the bathroom.

  • A sheep will never ask you to stop on the way home from work and pick up a box of tampons.

Ten Ways to Say "Your Fly Is Open"

  1. The cucumber has left the salad.

  2. I can see the gun of Navarone.

  3. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is showing.

  4. You've got Windows in your laptop.

  5. Sailor Dick's trying to take a little shore leave.

  6. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

  7. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

  8. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

  9. You need to bring your tray table to the upright position!

  10. I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts!

Snow Sculptures 5









If You Could

Balloons 6









Snow Sculptures 4