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Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Insurance Sex

  • Sex with your wife - Legal & General

  • Sex with your future wife - Mutual trust

  • Sex with a long term partner - Standard life

  • Sex with your secretary - Employers liability

  • Sex with a prostitute - Commercial union

  • Sex on the phone - Direct line

  • Sex with different partners - Go compare

  • Sex with a lady boy - Confused.com

  • Sex with anthropomorphs - compare the market

  • Sex at a north of the border wake - Scottish Widows

  • Sex with a BBW - More Than

  • Sex with a sailor - Admiral

  • Sex that goes on for ever - Saga

  • Sex whilst wearing two condoms - Prudential

  • Sex during the last night of the proms - Britannia

  • Sex in East Anglia - Norwich Union

  • Sex with Prince Harry - Royal Son Alliance

  • Gangbang sex - co-operative

  • Sex on tour - Nationwide

  • Caught having sex - Swift Cover

  • Aussie Sex - SheilasWheels

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Sniffer dog

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane  when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador  Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog  was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drug Enforcement  Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we  get airborne,  when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said,  'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search.'

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very  purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's  arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said,  'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her  seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again,  the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds,  returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's  arm.  The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm makinga note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for  a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the  middle seat and proceeded to crap all over the place.

The first man was  really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure  out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked  the Policeman, 'What's going on?

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Facts About Lake Superior

  • Lake Superior contains ten percent of all the fresh water on the planet Earth.

  • It covers 82,000 square kilometers or 31,700 square miles.

  • The average depth is 147 meters or 483 feet.

  • There have been about 350 shipwrecks recorded in Lake Superior .

  • Lake Superior is, by surface area, the largest lake in the world.

  • A Jesuit priest in 1668 named it Lac Tracy, but that name was never officially adopted.

  • It contains as much water as all the other Great Lakes combined, plus three extra Lake Erie's!!

  • There is a small outflow from the lake at St. Mary's River (Sault Ste Marie) into Lake Huron , but it takes almost two centuries for the water to be completely replaced.

  • There is enough water in Lake Superior to cover all of North and South America with water one foot deep.

  • Lake Superior was formed during the last glacial retreat, making it one of the earth's youngest major features at only about 10,000 years old.

  • The deepest point in the lake is 405 meters or 1,333 feet.

  • There are 78 different species of fish that call the big lake home.

  • The maximum wave ever recorded on Lake Superior was 9.45 meters or 31 feet high.

  • If you stretched the shoreline of Lake Superior out to a straight line, it would be long enough to reach from Duluthto the Bahamas .

  • Over 300 streams and rivers empty into Lake Superior with the largest source being the Nipigon River .

  • The average underwater visibility of Lake Superior is about 8 meters or 27 feet, making it the cleanest and clearest of the Great Lakes . Underwater visibility in some spots reaches 30 meters.

  • In the summer, the sun sets more than 35 minutes later on the western shore of Lake Superior than at its southeastern edge.

  • Some of the world's oldest rocks, formed about 2.7 billion years ago, can be found on the Ontario shore of Lake Superior .

  • It very rarely freezes over completely, and then usually just for a few hours. Complete freezing occurred in 1962, 1979, 2003 and 2009.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mother's Day 16


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Mother's Day 2


Mother's Day 1


Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Wedding Night

A cowboy and his wife had just been married and went to a hotel for their honeymoon. The man went to the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'This here is a very special 'casion...our weddin' night, and we need a good room with a strong bed.'

The clerk winked and asked, 'Do you want the Bridal?'

The Cowboy thought about it a while and then replied, 'No, I guess not. I'll just hold on to her ears until she gets used to it.'

Dog lover

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a small town he planned to visit on his holiday. He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote:

DEAR SIR: "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Non-alcoholic Beer

Found Your Nose

Apologize

Never Stop Trying

Good Morning

Poking

You Are a Nerd

  • If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

  • If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

  • If you have more toys than your kids.

  • If you need a checklist to turn on the TV. - If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.

  • If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.

  • If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight.

  • If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it.

  • If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary.

  • If you have memorized the program scheduled for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already.

What Advertisements Really Mean

  • NEW - Different color from previous design.

  • ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

  • EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.

  • UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.

  • FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.

  • ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

  • IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

  • FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

  • REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.

  • DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.

  • YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.

  • BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.

  • MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.

  • MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.

  • SOLID-STATE - Heavy as hell.

  • HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.

  • NON-REFUNDABLE - We couldn't make it work long enough to ship it.

  • FAT FREE - You pay for the food, but the fat is free.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

How to say, I Love You in 10 Languages


English
I Love You

Spanish
Te Amo

French
Je T'aime

German
Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu

Italian
Ti Amo

Chinese
Wo Ai Ni

Swedish
Jag Alskar Dig

Lithuanian
As Tave Meliu

Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Georgia, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, Virginia, West Virginia
Nice Tits, Get in the Truck.