Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Monday, June 25, 2012

Wide Eyed

Speak 3 Languages


Rules of the Road

  • Turn signals will give away your next move. Never use them to maintain the element of surprise.
  • Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you. This space will just be filled in by another car, creating a hazard, and you'll have to slow down to create another safe space, which will be filled in by another car and you'll have to slow down again and you will NEVER reach your destination on time.

  •  Crossing more than one lane at a time marks you as an expert driver and feels dangerously cool.
  • The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of being hit.
  • Never get in the way of an older model car that needs extensive body work.
  • Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible, forcing the anti-lock brake system to kick in so the pulsating brake pedal will give you a foot massage. If you don't have ABS, it's an opportunity to stretch your leg nicely.
  • Electronic traffic warning signs are only there to distract you from the nearby police car clocking you on radar. Pay them no attention.
  • Speed limits are only suggestions and are to be ignored during rush hour.
  • Throwing litter on the roads adds a touch of color to the landscape and keeps Adopt-A-Highway teams and minimum security prisoners occupied.
  • It is assumed that police cars traveling at a high speed - especially with their sirens on - may be followed safely, allowing you to make up for time lost by constantly slowing down to achieve a safe zone between you and the car in front of you.
  • Heavy fog, snow, wind, or rain make no difference to the above rules. These weather conditions are God's way of ensuring employment for auto body shops, junkyards, and car salespeople.

Newly Married Couple

A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon.

'Care to go upstairs and have a shag?' the husband asks.

'Shhh!' said the bride. 'All the neighbours will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper-thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, "Have you left the washing machine door open" instead?'

So the following night, the husband asks, 'I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open did you?'

'No, I definitely shut it,' replied the wife who rolled over and went to sleep.

When she woke up, however, she was feeling a little randy herself and she nudged her husband and said, 'I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?'

'No thanks,' said the husband, 'it was only a small load and I've done it by hand.'

An old lady dies and goes to heaven

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's just someone having the holes bored in their shoulder blades for the wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.

"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what's happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."

"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "you'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"

Getting Home Late

Got home late last night   and  my wife
had left a message in the kitchen .....

I will not be late any more!!!

Monday, June 18, 2012

Big-dick Contest

A man and his wife were talking and he says, "You know, I was thinking of going down to the bar tonight and entering that big-dick contest."

"Oh honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that out in public!"

"But sweet thing," he says, "the prize is $100!"

"I don't care," she says, "I don't want you showing that thing to everybody."

So he lets the subject drop until the following night when his wife walks in on him in the bedroom, counting out a hundred dollars.

"Did you go down and enter that big-dick contest last night after I told you not to?"

"Please forgive me, sweetheart," he says.

"You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says, tears welling up in her eyes.

The man looks at her fondly and says, "Only enough to win."


The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner.

While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"


A very drunk lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, "Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy." The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.

"Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn."

Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in the ashtray."

Cruise Ship

A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and asks the bartender for a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

"I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, this drink's on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I'd like to buy you a drink for your birthday too."

The woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I'll have a Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "I'd like to buy you one too."

The woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I'd like another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Comin' right up," says the bartender.

As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The woman replies, "Sonny, by the time you're my age you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole different story."

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Who is Jack Schitt?

The lineage is finally revealed.

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt."

Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N. Schitt Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious coupe produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schit divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.

She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Boycott NBC for cancelling Harry's Law show


Dirty Phone Call

The phone rings, and the wife answers.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight asshole with no hair."

Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Bite the Bullet

Kamasutra for Seniors

Rules from Women for blokes

  1. Foreplay does not mean 5 pints of lager, taking your kit off and putting your chips down.

  2. Cellulite and stretch marks are very sexy, feminine things that should be worshipped.

  3. During sex a woman may eat or read so that she, too, can gain some sort of pleasure.

  4. Sex should not be rushed unless Eastenders/Corrie is about to start.


Israel’s new Cutting Edge Airport Security

TEL AVIV, Israel The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is proud to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London .