Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Things to Know about Chuck Norris

  • When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

  • Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

  • There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

  • Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

  • Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

  • Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

  • Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

  • Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

  • There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

  • When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

  • Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

  • Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

  • There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

  • Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

  • Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

  • Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

  • Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

  • Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

  • Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

  • Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Performance Evaluations

These useful quotes are from actual employee performance evaluations:

  • Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

  • I would not allow this employee to breed.

  • This employee is really not so much of a has been but more of a definite won't be.

  • He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

  • This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

  • Got a full six pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.

  • He does not have ulcers, but he is a carrier.

  • He has been working with glue too much.

  • He would argue with a signpost.

  • This employee should go far, and the sooner the better.

  • I would like to go hunting with him sometime.

Reached that age

Sick of the hot weather

Your breath smells like shit

Things That Never Happened On Star Trek

  1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.

  2. The Enterprise visits a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.

  3. Some of the crew visit the holodeck, and it works properly.

  4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new life- form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form wearing a funny hat.

  5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well- stocked Enterprise sick-bay.

  6. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.

  7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.

  8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.

  9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.

  10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.

  11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some chocolate.

  12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where everyone is happy all of the time. How- ever, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems.

  13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.

  14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp ex- perience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.

  15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.

  16. Counselor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.

  17. The warp engines start going haywire, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.

  18. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of one in three sentences that anyone says to him.