Friday, September 12, 2014

Jokes for Friday 12th September 2014

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Plexus Slim

Consider the following:

-> 95% of all diets and weight loss programs fail.
-> 8 out of 10 Americans over the age of 25 are overweight.
-> 174 million Americans are overweight or obese.
-> The worldwide number is expected to double by 2030.
-> 25.8 million children and adults in the United States (8.3% of the population) have diabetes.

Source: Centers for Disease Control.

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Joke # 1



Joke # 2

Computers can never replace human stupidity


Joke # 3

An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. "Am I glad to see you," he said, "I've been lost for three days!"

"Don't get too excited, buddy," the other hunter replied."I've been lost for three weeks."


Joke # 4

Q: What do you get when you cross a duck with cheese?
A: Cheese and quackers.


Joke # 5

Mary: You'll love this story from my friend who works in the ER.

Jill: What happened?

Mary: A woman came in with a cell phone shoved up her rectum!

Jill: You're kidding!

Mary: I'm not. The woman said she and her husband were playing some "adult games."

Jill: Well, it had to be either that, or she doesn't understand the meaning of phone sex


Joke # 6

His girl's proud father was leading a young suitor through the voluminous pages of the old family album. After seeing scores of members of the clan, the young man was finally shown the picture of a solid-looking old gentleman.

"This," said the father proudly, "is the founder of the family."

"What did he do?" asked the young man.

"He founded the family," the older man said again.

"I mean, sir," the suitor floundered, "what did he do to distinguish himself?"

"He was the founder of the family," the father rasped in exasperation.

"I understand that, sir," the suitor sighed. "I just wondered what the old gent did in the day-time."


Joke # 7

Morty visits the veterinarian in Boca Raton and says, "My dog has a problem."

The doctor replies, "So tell me about the dog's problem."

"First you should know, he's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk," says Morty.

"He can talk?" the doubtful doctor asks.

"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: "Irving, Fetch!"

Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and demands, "So why are you talking to me like that? You order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"

The Doctor is amazed. "This is remarkable! What could be the problem?"

Morty says, "Obviously, he has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch', not 'Kvetch'."


Joke # 8

Q: What monster sits on the end of your finger?
A: The bogie man.


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