Saturday, September 6, 2014

Jokes for Saturday 6th September 2014

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Plexus Slim

Consider the following:

-> 95% of all diets and weight loss programs fail.
-> 8 out of 10 Americans over the age of 25 are overweight.
-> 174 million Americans are overweight or obese.
-> The worldwide number is expected to double by 2030.
-> 25.8 million children and adults in the United States (8.3% of the population) have diabetes.

Source: Centers for Disease Control.

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Joke # 1

Minding your business


Joke # 2

How do you know your mechanic has just had sex? One of his fingers is clean.


Joke # 3

Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV. When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age.

The old man said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"


Joke # 4

Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot and a lion?
A: I don't know, but when it talks you'd better listen.


Joke # 5

Maury returned from a fancy private hospital and was telling his friend Pauly all about his experience.

Maury: "The hospital I was in was very specialized."

Pauly: "How so?"

Maury: "They had a food nurse who gave you food. They had a drug nurse who gave you drugs. They had a coffee nurse who gave you coffee."

Pauly: " I see. Did they have a Head Nurse?"


Joke # 6

A Catholic priest, a Lutheran minister and an Evangelical preacher are arguing about religion one day when the phone rings.

The priest gets up to answer it. After listening for few moments, he says, "Yes, I will pass on the news," and hangs up.

Turning to the others, he says, "I have good news and bad news."

"Really? Do tell," the minister says.

"My friends," the priest announces, "that was the Lord Jesus on the phone, and he was calling to say he's back."

"Glory be!" shouts the preacher. "What could possibly be bad news now?"

"Well," the priest says, "He was calling from Salt Lake City."


Joke # 7

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"

The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"

"How does he drive you crazy?"

"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid

First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"

"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!"

"Hmm, anything else?"

The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."

The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"

The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."

The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."

"What did he say?"

"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"

The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."

The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."

The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."

"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."

The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."

"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.

"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."

"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."

"What did he say?"

The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said, 'Don't screw up!'"


Joke # 8

Q: Why do giraffes have long necks?
A: Because they have smelly feet.


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