Saturday, September 6, 2014

Jokes for Tuesday 2nd September 2014

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Plexus Slim

Consider the following:

-> 95% of all diets and weight loss programs fail.
-> 8 out of 10 Americans over the age of 25 are overweight.
-> 174 million Americans are overweight or obese.
-> The worldwide number is expected to double by 2030.
-> 25.8 million children and adults in the United States (8.3% of the population) have diabetes.

Source: Centers for Disease Control.

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Joke # 1

A lot of coffee


Joke # 2

Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!


Joke # 3

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench complaining about their husbands. "My husband's losing his mind," one lady said. "Last week he went out and spent $400 for a waterbed."

"That sounds exciting," the other lady said.

"Exciting, hell," the first old lady said. "The way my husband's thing has been reacting the last few years, that waterbed might as well be the Dead Sea."


Joke # 4

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.


Joke # 5

Mary: So this really drunk, obnoxious guy kept bothering me at the party last weekend.

Jill: What happened?

Mary: Well, he cornered me, pulled his thing out of his pants, and asked me, "Do you want to suck it?"

Jill: Ohmigod! What did you do?

Mary: Well, I think I handled it pretty well. I just said, "No, you Go ahead. You don't have enough to share."


Joke # 6

Little Johnny went to his first school dance. He didn't know if he would ever get up the nerve to ask a girl out to dance.

As the night went on everybody was dancing except Little Johnny. He just sat in the corner looking at everyone having fun.

Finally as the last song started to play Little Johnny spotted two very cute girls across the room sitting at their table. He walked over and asked one if she would like to dance. She looked him up and down and said "I am sorry but I am very particular with whom I dance with."

Little Johnny being the smart boy that he is, replied, "You can dam will see that I am not."


Joke # 7

Dr. Drobkin was a world-famous cardiologist who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his hometown and then left for Manhattan where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference held in his hometown. He walked on stage, placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.

As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the lecture room and reverberated it down the hall!

He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his hometown again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Cohen and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Cohen?"

Dr. Drobkin replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here, received my education here, but then moved away." "Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Drobkin replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my embarrassment."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Drobkin Fart?"


Joke # 8

Q: When were vowels invented?
A: When u and i were born.


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1 comment:

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