Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Jokes for Monday 15th December 2014

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Joke # 1

C.S. Lewis Quote


Joke # 2

Christmas is a time when you get homesick—even when you're home. - Carol Nelson


Joke # 3

A man went into a bookstore and asked the young woman working the counter, "Do you have the new book for men with short penises?"

Hmmm. I'm not sure if it's in yet. she replied.

That's the one! I'll take a copy.


Joke # 4

Q: What is worse then having one baby screaming?
A: Two babies screaming!


Joke # 5

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."


Joke # 6

A young scholar from New York was invited to become Rabbi in a small old community in Chicago. On his very first Shabbat, a hot debate erupted as to whether one should or should not stand during the reading of the Ten Commandments.

The next day, the rabbi visited 98 year-old Mr. Katz in the nursing home. "Mr. Katz, I'm asking you, as the oldest member of the community," said the rabbi, "what is our synagogue's custom during the reading of the Ten Commandments?"

Why do you ask? asked Mr. Katz.

Yesterday we read the Ten Commandments. Some people stood, some people sat. The ones standing started screaming at the ones sitting, telling them to stand up. The ones sitting started screaming at the ones standing, telling them to sit down...

That, said the old man, "is our custom."


Joke # 7

The following is a father's advice to his son just moments before he gets on the bus that will carry him off to join the Army:

"Son, you are getting ready to embark on a great adventure as many of the men in our family have done since your great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather did many hundreds of years ago.

There will be many dangers ahead that you will encounter. Remember your training and obey your commanders, this will keep you alive during the arduous days of battle. Always stay with the plan, if you deviate from it you will be in grave jeopardy.

When the time of battle is over, be wary as you go into the towns and cities ahead because there are many hidden dangers lurking there. There will be many temptations to lure you away from your brothers in arms and this could put you in danger even if it seems safe at the time. In every town there will be a street that will be most treacherous of all there will be strong drink to dull your senses, loud and crude songs to suppress your hearing, and wild women of ill repute to enable your enemy to catch you off guard. My advice to you as a former soldier is simple - What ever you do... FIND THAT STREET."


Joke # 8

Q: Why did the boy take a ruler to bed?
A: To see how long he slept.


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