Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Jokes for Monday 22nd December 2014

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Joke # 1

Good things


Joke # 2

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?


Joke # 3

At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, "I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!" Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days. The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn, and said, "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise them!" Once again, silence ensued for 365 days.

The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!"


Joke # 4

Q: What kind of potato chips fly?
A: Plane ones.


Joke # 5

Two men were holding up the line outside the turnstyle before a football game, while one of them hunted for his ticket. He looked in his coat pockets and his waistcoat pockets and his trouser pockets, all to no avail ...

Hang on a minute ..., said the guy at the gate, "...what's that in your mouth?"

It's the missing ticket!

As they moved inside his friend said ... ""You must be getting senile in your old age. Fancy having your ticket in your mouth and forgetting about it!"

'I'm not that stupid, ... said his friend, "... I was chewing last week's date off it."


Joke # 6

An old couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale in a western wear shop one day, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope," she answered.

Frustrated, Bert ducked into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything Different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "What's different, Bert? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!"

Annoyed, Bert exclaimed, "And do you know why it's hanging down, Margaret?"

Nope. Not a clue, she replied.

Bert came back, "It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!"

Without missing a beat, Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat!"


Joke # 7

I recently picked a new doctor. After a couple visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh, no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my last doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said.

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you want to live to be 80?"


Joke # 8

Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: The dentist is taking me out tonight.


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