Monday, December 29, 2014

Jokes for Monday 29th December 2014

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Joke # 1

Key to happiness


Joke # 2

There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.


Joke # 3

A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in onehand and a squirrel in the other.

Now listen here, the policeman said, "whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature, I shall personally do to you."

In that case, said the boy, "I'll kiss 'im and let 'im go."


Joke # 4

Q: When are kids most likely to go to school?
A: When the door is open.


Joke # 5

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait...sorry. I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that.


Joke # 6

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"

Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.

Well I'll be. the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.


Joke # 7

Bill and Doug went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look.

"What's going on?" Bill asked one of the crowd.

"We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine," he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. "Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet. And there's a prize of $1000 for anybody who can.

"I can do that," Bill said confidently. "You can't," said Doug.
You'll get yourself killed if you try and ride that thing".

"Watch this," said Bill and he climbed aboard the bronco machine.

The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Bill clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Bill was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Bill was still on the machine's back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd. He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Doug.

"Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that?" Doug asked.

"Remember three months ago," Bill said. "When your wife had whooping cough...?"


Joke # 8

Q: What letter can you drink?
A: T (tea)


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