Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Jokes for Tuesday 23rd December 2014

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Joke # 1

There is a child inside each one of us


Joke # 2

If some people said what they thought, they'd be speechless.


Joke # 3

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."

The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.


Joke # 4

Q: How did the butcher introduce his wife?
A: Meet Patty.


Joke # 5

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

I'm afraid I have some very bad news, the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

Oh, that's terrible! says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"

Ten, the doctor says sadly.

Ten? the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"

Nine ...


Joke # 6

Tony had come over from Italy a short time ago and his English was not very good.

His wife had a bad case of crabs in her pubic hair, so Tony went to the drug store and asked the clerk, "My wife, she has'a bugs in the bush".

The clerk though that Tony's wife had insects in her garden and gave Tony a bottle of insecticide and told him to use one tablespoon per gallon and spray the bushes and that would get rid of the bugs.

Tony took the insecticide home and thought the infestation in her pubic hair was so bad, he would spray it on straight out of the bottle.

Several weeks later Tony was in the drug store and the clerk ask him, "How are the bugs in the bush doing?"

Tony said, "The bugs, they are gone, my wife's bush is all gone, too. By the way did you hear about my neighbor Joe?". "He had a beautiful mustache and it all fell out and do you know Joe up and died last week. My wife she is very sad about Joe dying."


Joke # 7

An 11 year-old newspaper vendor of Cape Town, in South Africa, sold the most newspapers over a 12-month period and was rewarded as a first prize a one week stay in a London hotel.

The second day in the hotel the lad was so bored that just about everyone noticed it. Some one telephoned the Daily Mirror. The Mirror reporter interviewed the lad and published a photo and a story about the lad being bored to death with his first prize.

The manager of the Mirror decided to change all that by offering the ad a job to sell the Mirror. The lad gladly accepted. After his first day he came back without selling a single newspaper.

The Mirror's manager wanted to know how this was possible. How could the lad have sold the most newspapers in Cape Town, yet he could not sell a single paper in London.

The lad explained that he did not have the answer either. He was shouting the paper's name, like he was used to do in Cape Town:
"Mirror, Mirror!" Daily Mirror!", but no one bought a paper.

The manager then explained that things are done a bit different in London. In London the newspaper vendors pick themselves a story on the front page and then shouts the headline. That is how it is done in London.

The next day the lad was selling newspapers at a horrific rate, outselling all other vendors. The manager and the editor decided to go and have a look.

On a street corner they found the lad shouting: "Prince Charles castrated, Prince Charles castrated!" And people were buying papers like crazy.

Both the manager and the editor realized that the Mirror was heading for big trouble, so they jumped out of their car, grabbed the boy and pulled him into the car. Both wanted to know how on earth the lad could shout such things on street corners.

The lad explained: "Well, you said I must pick a story on the front page and shout its headlines."

"Yes," said the manager, "but where the hell do you see such a story on today's front page?"

The lad replied: "Look, here it is, it says: 'Royal Ball Off'!"


Joke # 8

Q: What did the laywer name his daughter?
A: Sue.


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