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Joke # 1
All I want for 2014
Joke # 2
After the war in Iraq, the plan is to divide Iraq into three parts ... regular, premium, and unleaded.
Joke # 3
Two friends meet in the street. One says, "Is it true, Isaac, that your mother-in law is ill?"
"In fact, Isaac, I heard that she was in hospital.
"How long has she been in hospital, Isaac?"
Isaac replies, "In 3 weeks time, please G-d, it will be a month."
Joke # 4
Q: What did the candle say to the other candle?
A: I’m going out tonight!
Joke # 5
A sheik employed a track star to run from the palace to his harem, which was about three miles away, to fetch one of his wives whenever The wife appeared at the breakfast table in curlers and a worn bathrobe.
The husband looked up from his newspaper and said, "Why can't you look like you did when we were first married?"
"How can I?" she snapped back. "I'm not pregnant!"
Joke # 6
Not long after his marriage, Ernie Junior and his father Ernie senior, met for lunch. "Well son," asked Ernie senior, "How is married life treating you?"
"Not very well, I'm afraid," sighed junior. "It seems I married a nun."
"A nun?" his father questioned.
"That's right," moaned Ernie junior. "None in the morning, none at night, and none at all unless I beg!"
Ernie senior nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back a couple of times. "Why don't we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice talk?"
Young Ernie smiled, "Say, Dad, that's a great idea!"
"Fine," replied Ernie senior, "I'll call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra plates."
Joke # 7
Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says, "Jack let me tell you something. On my Wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and I said, here try these on." So she did and said, "These just don't fit."
So I replied, "...Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So on his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill,
"Here try these on."
So she does and says, "These just won't fit."
So Jacks says,"Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "Here you try on mine. So he does and says,
"I can't get into these."
So Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."
Joke # 8
Q: Why did the student eat her homework?
A: Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake!
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