Friday, February 13, 2015

Jokes for Friday 13th February 2015

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Joke # 1

The Molar Bear


Joke # 2

A painter's joke may be off-color while a cook's might be tasteless.


Joke # 3

Paddy says to Mick, "Da power went out at da cottage tiz mornin'. Me computer went down; da TV, DVD, an' me new surround sound music all didn' work. Then I discovered that me iPhone battery was flat, the pub wasn' open yet and to top it off it was rainin' outside, so I couldn' play golf."

So wha' did ye do?

So I went t' the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this needs power too, so I talked to me wife Mary for a few hours. She seems like a nice person.


Joke # 4

Q: How do Vikings send secret messages?
A: Norse code.


Joke # 5

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.

He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. Yep. 25 cents.

The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."


Joke # 6

This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.

There are two sheriff's deputies there.

He asks if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.

The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife.

The sheriff says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy says, " I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook. "


Joke # 7

Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut his arm off. Sam remained calm, wrapped the arm in a plastic bag, and took the arm and John to a surgeon.

You're in luck, said the surgeon. "I am an expert in re-attaching limbs. Come back in four hours when I have completed the operation."

So Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, "I did it faster than I expected. Jon is down at the pub."

Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John accidentally cut off his leg.

Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the same surgeon.

Legs are harder, said the surgeon, "but I'll see what I can do—come back in six hours."

Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early, John's out playing soccer."

Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking 50 meter torpedoes.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John accidentally cut off his own head.

Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon, confident that the skillful surgeon would do the job.

Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach, the surgeon muttered, "but I'll see what I can do—come back in 12 hours."

Sam returned in 12 hours.

How did it go, Doc? he asked.

I'm sorry. John died, the surgeon replied, "He suffocated in the plastic bag, you idiot!!"


Joke # 8

Q: Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?
A: He was board.


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