Sunday, February 22, 2015

Jokes for Monday 16th February 2015

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Joke # 1

Paulo Coelho Quote


Joke # 2

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.


Joke # 3

While making rounds, a doctor pointed out an X-ray to a group of medical students.

As you can see, she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"

Well, ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."


Joke # 4

Q: What's the best parting gift?
A: A comb.


Joke # 5

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

Give me your money, he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man responded, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"

In that case, replied the mugger, "give me my money."


Joke # 6

A man has to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decides to bring his wife. When they arrive at their hotel and are shown to their room, the man says, "You rest here while I register. I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed. Just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is skeptical, but the wife insists the story is true.

Look, lie here on the bed. You'll be thrown right to the floor! the woman says.

So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in.

What are you doing here? the husband asks.

The manager replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"


Joke # 7

How To Give Your Cat a Pill

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbows, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.

2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)

5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in -- quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.

6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.

8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here, anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and ... Ooooops!

9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.

10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.

11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)

14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man -- or woman.

15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.

17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

18. Take two aspirins and lie down.

By, the way, know how to give a DOG a pill?

1. Wrap it in Bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.


Joke # 8

Q: When do you go on red and stop on green?
A: When you are eating a watermelon.


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