Friday, February 13, 2015

Jokes for Monday 9th February 2015

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Joke # 1

When writing the story of your life


Joke # 2

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"


Joke # 3

In the course of an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging nearby and asked them for help. "Sorry, sir," replied one, "but we've been classified dead and are not to participate in any way."

The C.O. turned to his driver. "Private," he barked, "go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction." He got his pushers.


Joke # 4

Q: What did the clock do after it ate?
A: It went back four seconds!


Joke # 5

All but two of the ballerinas were in costume early for the matinee performance. At 1:55, the distressed director asked the remaining women why they weren't dressed yet.

The first one said, "It may seem like a silly superstition, but I never put mine on until 1:58."

What about you? The same thing? he asked the other dancer.

Oh, yes. I have a two to two tutu, too!


Joke # 6

A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but got no response.

After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check. The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well.

How old are you?

No response.

The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?"

Immediately four tiny fingers went up.

Oh, replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?"

Four little fingers went up once again.

Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked, "Can you talk?"

The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, "Can you count?!"


Joke # 7

So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"


Joke # 8

Q: What is the opposite of a restaurant?
A: A workaraunt.


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