Sunday, February 22, 2015

Jokes for Sunday 15th February 2015

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Joke # 1



Joke # 2

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment


Joke # 3

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


Joke # 4

Q: What do you call the king of vegetables?
A: Elvis Parsley.


Joke # 5

Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very, VERY careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags. He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man when he got to the luggage carousel.

Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides.

I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this? he asked.

Actually, the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage."


Joke # 6

This guy went into a bar, sat down on a stool, and ordered a Bloody Mary. The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't have that, but we've got the next best thing."

The guy asked, "Okay, what is it," and the bartender said, "We've got a Harry Man." The guy said, "No thanks."

Then the guy asked, "How about a virgin?" and the bartender replied, "Sorry, we don't have that either. But we got the next best thing."

The guy asked, irritated, "Okay, what is it?" The bartender replied, "We got a Furry Belly."

The guy looked around and saw everyone drinking and said, "All right, fine, I'll have one."

So the guy had about five, and when he was finished the bartender walked over to him and told him how much he had to pay. He reaches deep down inside his pocket and pulls out a couple handfuls of food stamps. The bartender looked at the food stamps and said, "Hey, this isn't money!"

And the guy says, "I know, but it's the next best thing."


Joke # 7

Back in the Dark Ages, a monastery sat high atop a mountain, sheltered within a grove of trees. It was a beautiful place, a peaceful place to meditate on God's goodness and grace.

The twenty friars that inhabited the monastery were quiet, humble men who communed with God and enjoyed immensely the natural setting where they abode. The soil was fertile. They grew a huge vegetable garden and wildflowers abounded. Everywhere they walked, beautiful flowers of vivid colors graced the landscape. Even wild roses grew in unexpected places. It was a haven of glory, secluded within the location of the monastery.

Glorious colors abounded. In addition to tending their vegetable garden, they also tended all their beautiful flowers. They counted themselves very blessed indeed.

But deep within the nearby forest, a wicked witch watched the friars with immense jealousy. You see, her forest had lots and lots of trees, but no flowers. And she happened to like flowers. She really liked flowers a lot.

She decided that she would rid the region of the friars. Really, she hated the friars. Really, these friars had to be stopped and she was going to stop them.

She tried putting a hex on them, in order to kill them off. But the hex didn't work because the friars were very godly men. The friars went joyfully on with their floral tending.

So then the wicked witch set fire to the trees, but because of the natural waterfalls and the lovely dew that covered the flowers and plants, the fire went out.

Finally, she concocted a special glue and she went in the nighttime and poured glue on all the flowers, which killed them immediately because of the strong toxicity.

Then she left vats of glue around the monastery and when the friars came out the next day to tend their flowers, they stopped curiously at the giant vats and sniffed the contents. Well, the glue was so strong, it instantly killed all the friars!

Which just goes to show ... Only glue can prevent florist friars.


Joke # 8

Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: A newspaper!


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