Sunday, February 22, 2015

Jokes for Thursday 19th February 2015

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Joke # 1

You will never know your limits


Joke # 2

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.


Joke # 3

A guy came home to his wife and said, "Guess what? I've found a great job. A 10 a.m. start, 2 p.m. finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!"

That's great, his wife said.

Yeah, I thought so too, he agreed. "You start Monday."


Joke # 4

Q: What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?
A: An onion


Joke # 5

Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket hitting into the furniture as he weaved his way through the house, that he woke up the missus.

What on earth are you doing down there? she yelled down from the bedroom. "Get yourself up here to bed and don't waken the neighbours."

I'm trying to get a barrel of Guinness up the stairs he shouted.

Leave it 'till the morning she shouted down

I can't he said "I've drank it!"


Joke # 6

A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to carpool.

On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently.

What are you doing? the priest asks.

The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service."

Good idea! Be right back! the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car.

The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says.

I'm consecrating it with holy water, the priest replies.

Great idea! the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's toolshed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe.


Joke # 7

A young man was hitchhiking down south and a farmer driving an old pickup truck stopped to give him a lift.         

As they were driving, the farmer started bragging about how good the local moonshine whiskey was. The young man told the farmer that he didn’t drink very much, and that moonshine would probably be too strong for his tastes.

“Nonsense!” said the farmer. “You gotta try some.” He fished around behind him and finally produced a small jug. “Here,” he said, handing the jar to the lad. “Take a drink!”

“Oh, no thanks,” said the young man. “I really don’t think I care for any.”

“No, I insist,” pressed the farmer. “Have some.”

“No, thanks — really,” said the young man.

The farmer wasn’t going to take no for an answer. He stopped the truck and grabbed his shotgun from the rack in back. He pointed the gun at the lad and roared, “I said, take a drink!”

“Okay! Okay!” said the young man. He took a few swallows and instantly realized just how powerful the stuff was. His throat muscles tightened, his eyes watered, and he made a choking sound.

“What do you think of it?” asked the farmer. “Good, ain’t it?”

“Yeah,” gasped the lad, afraid he would be forced to drink more if he disagreed, “I guess so.”

Then the farmer handed the young man the shotgun and grinned. “Here! Now, you hold the gun on me and make me drink some!”   


Joke # 8

Q: What kind of jam can you not eat?
A: A traffic jam.


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