Sunday, February 22, 2015

Jokes for Tuesday 17th February 2015

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Joke # 1

I am not be perfect


Joke # 2

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.


Joke # 3

A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"

The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"

The person says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."


Joke # 4

Q: Why should you never tell a secret in a corn field?
A: Because there are too many ears.


Joke # 5

There are three guys in a boat with four cigarettes. They have no matches or anything and were trying to come up with a way to smoke their cigarettes.

I got it! said the one guy as he threw one of his cigarettes overboard.

Why did you do that? yelled his buddy.

To which he replied, "To make the boat a little lighter."


Joke # 6

You Know You're Growing Old When

* You've come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.

* The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car - in the "ten items or less" lane.

* You've found yourself discussing the weather.

* You remember your kid's names, just not always the right one.

* You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.

* You buy "age-defying" makeup and "anti-wrinkle" creams and believe they work.

* You've realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.

* Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely.


Joke # 7

Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" Each of the men orders a martini.

In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis, shaken, not stirred and says, "That's 10 cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced and the tab is 40 cents.

The men pay, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

One of them asks, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer ... it's all the same price.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida . They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price. Plus they all have coupons."


Joke # 8

Q: Why did the news reporter go to the ice cream parlor?
A: Because she wanted to get a good scoop.


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