Sunday, February 22, 2015

Jokes for Wednesday 18th February 2015

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Don't you just hate when your boss is riding you?

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Joke # 1

Wine enthusiast


Joke # 2

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill.


Joke # 3

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

I see, nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

For God's sake, NO! exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."


Joke # 4

Q: Why did the TV cross the road?
A: Because it wanted to be a flat screen.


Joke # 5

A 13-year-old boy, was sick in bed with bronchitis, and although he showed some general improvement, his harsh cough persisted and could be heard all over the house.

Worried that he was missing so much school, his mother went into his room to see how he felt.

There he was, propped up in bed, earphones on, listening to a baseball game, while the tape recorder coughed on and on.

The next morning he was in school.


Joke # 6

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"


Joke # 7

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either of them died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the world beyond exactly 30 days after their death.

Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.

At the séance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."

Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"

It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time.

What do you do all day? asked Martha.

Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m.

Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"

Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha.

Well, then, where are you?

I'm a rabbit in Arizona.


Joke # 8

Q: What would you call a humorous knee?
A: Fun-ny!


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