Monday, March 30, 2015

Jokes for Monday 16th March 2015

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George Carlin #Quote

You can't control everything

Dear sleep


You may be cool

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Joke # 1

Left a blowjob at your house


Joke # 2

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step--blaming my parents.


Joke # 3

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

I don't believe you, said Dolly

It's true, straight up no bull!


Joke # 4

Q: How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
A: Three - his left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear.


Joke # 5

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"


Joke # 6

Seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful and introduces them to a technique called word/name association. They come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it.

Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden.

Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?

Well, it was ... hmmm ... let me think a minute ... What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems ...?

You mean a rose?

Yeah, that's it ... (shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor's name?


Joke # 7

The boys had been up in the attic together helping with some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her, "Hey, Mom, what's this?"

Oh, that's an old typewriter, she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity.

Well, what does it do? they queried.

I'll show you, their mother said. She went downstairs and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page.

WOW! the boys exclaimed, "That's really cool -- but how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?"

There is no plug, she answered. "It doesn't need a plug."

Then where do you put the batteries? they persisted.

It doesn't need batteries either, she continued.

Wow! This is so cool! the brothers exclaimed. "Someone should have invented this a long time ago!"


Joke # 8

Q: Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?
A: He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his dog.


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