Monday, March 30, 2015

Jokes for Monday 23rd March 2015

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You're Fat

Applying for a job at IKEA

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Joke # 1

Working Hard


Joke # 2

She was only a Meter-Reader's Daughter but she liked a copper in her slot.


Joke # 3

A man commissioned Picasso to paint a portrait of his wife. Startled by the nonrepresentational image on the canvas, the woman's husband complained, "It isn't how she really looks."

When asked by the painter how she really looked, the man produced a photograph from his wallet.

Returning the photography Pablo observed, "Small, isn't she?"


Joke # 4

Q: What do you do if a bird shits on your car?
A: Don't ask her out again.


Joke # 5

The salesman at the electronics store was pitching a high-definition television to a customer.

A fellow shopper, overhearing the spiel, mentioned that he'd upgraded his regular TV to high-def.

How did you do that? my husband asked.

I dusted the screen.


Joke # 6

Three ministers are talking over lunch and before long find themselves discussing how much of the weekly offering is appropriate to keep and how much to give to the Lord.

The first minister says, "I just draw a line on the floor, put one foot on both sides, and throw the money into the air. Whatever lands on the right side of the line is God's and whatever lands on the left is mine."

The second minister notes that he uses a similar method, but "I use a small coffee table when I throw the money in the air and whatever lands on the table goes to the Lord and whatever lands on the floor is mine." They both contemplate each other's answer and finally turn to the third minister who is sitting there without saying anything. "Well, how do you do it?" asks the first to the third.

Well, I do as you both do and throw the money into the air, but I figure whatever the Lord wants, he'll grab, and I keep whatever hits the floor.


Joke # 7

Signs You've Grown Up

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
20. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
21. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
22. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
23. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you.


Joke # 8

Q: What do you call 100 men at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.


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