Friday, March 6, 2015

Jokes for Monday 2nd March 2015

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Joke # 1

Emily Dickinson Quote


Joke # 2

You're having a bad day when you see a sign in your dentist's office that says, "No pain, no gain."


Joke # 3

I was getting a new phone the other day, and the young clerk was taking down all my vital information. When he got to the question "Date of birth?", I told him. His eyes jerked up: "No way! You certainly don't look THAT old!"

Just a fact of life, my boy, I said, "it's all in the genes." He gave me an unbelieving stare: "

No kidding? What brand do you wear?"


Joke # 4

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.


Joke # 5

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself.

The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet.

Are you hurt? he asked.

Of course I'm hurt! she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"


Joke # 6

The phone rang and the lady picked it up ... It was a salesman from a Mortgage refinance company. "Do you have a second mortgage on your home?"

No, she replied.

Would you like to consolidate all your debts?

I really don't have any, she said.

How about freeing up cash for home improvements? he tried.

I don't need any. I just recently had some done and paid cash, she parried.

There was a brief silence, and then he asked, "Are you looking for a Husband?"


Joke # 7

A man was walking in the country when he saw a pig with a wooden leg sitting outside a barn. As he was wondering what happened to the pig, the pig's owner came along. The man asked the farmer how the pig came to have a wooden leg.

The farmer said, "Let me tell you, that is some pig! Our house caught fire last April and he dragged my kids to safety!"

Is that how he lost his leg? the man asked.

No, replied the farmer. "But a month ago, I almost drowned and that pig swam through icy water to pull me to shore!"

So that's how he lost his leg, the man asked.

Oh, no. Just a week ago, my wife's car slid off the road onto the train tracks. That pig broke through the window and helped her out just as a freight train came through! the farmer said.

So THAT'S how he lost his leg! the man said.

No, sir, replied the farmer.

Then HOW did he lose it? the man begged.

Well, sir, the farmer replied, "when you got a pig that terrific, you don't want to eat it all at once!"


Joke # 8

Q: What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.


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