Sunday, March 15, 2015

Jokes for Monday 9th March 2015

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Joke # 1

People will stare


Joke # 2

After the war in Iraq, the plan is to divide Iraq into three parts ... regular, premium, and unleaded.


Joke # 3

Mary: You know, I don't think getting older is such a bad thing.

Jill: What on Earth do you mean? How could it not be bad?

Mary: Well, think about it. Just when our bodies start to sag, our vision starts toget worse. It all works out!


Joke # 4

Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: They're trying to get away from the noise.


Joke # 5

A mind always employed is always happy. This is the true secret, the grand recipe for felicity. - Thomas Jefferson

A man appeared at the door and announced, "Ma'am, I'm the piano tuner."

I didn't call for a tuner, the pianist said.

I know, lady, the man said. "Your neighbor did."


Joke # 6

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with aspatula by his wife.

Stay out of those, she said, "they're for the funeral."


Joke # 7

A man was walking in the country when he saw a pig with a wooden leg sitting outside a barn. As he was wondering what happened to the pig, the pig's owner came along. The man asked the farmer how the pig came to have a wooden leg.

The farmer said, "Let me tell you, that is some pig! Our house caught fire last April and he dragged my kids to safety!"

Is that how he lost his leg? the man asked.

No, replied the farmer. "But a month ago, I almost drowned and that pig swam through icy water to pull me to shore!"

So that's how he lost his leg, the man asked.

Oh, no. Just a week ago, my wife's car slid off the road onto the train tracks. That pig broke through the window and helped her out just as a freight train came through! the farmer said.

So THAT'S how he lost his leg! the man said.

No, sir, replied the farmer.

Then HOW did he lose it? the man begged.

Well, sir, the farmer replied, "when you got a pig that terrific, you don't want to eat it all at once!"


Joke # 8

Q: What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A: They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.


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