Monday, March 30, 2015

Jokes for Sunday 22nd March 2015

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Joke # 1

Ambition is the first step to success


Joke # 2

My ex came into the bedroom one night holding a jalapeno pepper in his hand. I asked him why he would bring pepper to our bedroom? He told me that we needed to spice up our love life!


Joke # 3

Doctor: - Madam, please prepare your husband for the worst!

Wife: - Oh God, will he die?

Doctor:- No. He will not be allowed to drink any beer!


Joke # 4

Q: Why did the tree fall down?
A: The koala forgot to let go.


Joke # 5

Little Johnny was at football practice one day and the coach said

Who here thinks they can jump higher than the goal posts

Immediately little Johnny said, "Ooh me sir me"

The coach then said, "But Johnny you are the worst in the team!"

Then Johnny said, "I know, but goalposts can’t jump!"


Joke # 6

Rhonda went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

Why so little? she asked the pet store owner.

The owner replied, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "That's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Robert, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Robert."


Joke # 7

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Goodness!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the flight attendants couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about.

His words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

Say, spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

There isn't, replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."


Joke # 8

Q: How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, let the bitch cook in the dark.


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