Sunday, March 15, 2015

Jokes for Sunday 8th March 2015

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Joke # 1

True Love has no Expiration Date


Joke # 2

What is the difference between a chicken and a baby? Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.


Joke # 3

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical and a good cook.

But the law allows only one wife.


Joke # 4

Q: Where do you find a no legged dog?
A: Right where you left him.


Joke # 5

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.

He signals to the usher and says, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat and I'll give you a handsome tip."

So, the usher moves him to the center of the third row, and the man, after a high five, hands the usher a quarter. Yep. A mere 25 cents.

The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, smiles, leans over, and quietly whispers, "The wife did it."


Joke # 6

Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.

Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened to her and then asked, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."

The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in. This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?"

At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble if I go home anyway!"


Joke # 7

Hal looked out his window one Saturday morning and saw his neighbor, Bob, approaching. Hal groaned inside because every time Bob came over, it was to borrow something that he wouldn't return on time, and which would usually require much effort on Hal's part to get back.

Hal hated saying no, but as he watched Bob reach the house and knock on the door, he promised himself that this time he would not give in so easily.

Hal answered the door. "Hello," Bob said, then asked, "I wonder if you'd be using your power saw this morning?"

Gee, I'm awfully sorry, Hal replied, "but I'll be using it off and on all day."

Bob then asked, "Well then can I borrow your lawn mower?"

Sorry, Hal answered, "the grass needs to be cut today too."

What about your hedge clippers? Bob asked.

I have plans for those as well, Hal answered. "As you can see," he added, "I have a list of chores a mile long and I'll need all my tools for the entire day."

Great! Bob replied. "I was coming over to borrow your golf clubs. You won't be needing them today, right?"


Joke # 8

Q: Where do you get virgin wool from?
A: Ugly sheep.


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