Monday, March 30, 2015

Jokes for Tuesday 24th March 2015

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Joke # 1

Nelson Mandela Quote


Joke # 2

A man was talking to a woman in a bar. "I have a 10 inch cock," he boasted. "Well," she answered, "I find that hard to swallow."


Joke # 3

People in a small town can exhibit extraordinary levels of trust. I was collecting shopping carts outside the grocery store where I work when a man and woman pulled up in a brand-new sports car. Noticing the dealer plates and the price sticker on the window, I assumed the couple were deciding whether to buy the vehicle.

Test drive? I asked.

The man gave me a long, careful stare. "I guess," he shrugged and tossed me the keys.


Joke # 4

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A: A computer only needs the information punched into it once.


Joke # 5

Five-year-old Christine, an only child, spent the day playing next door with two girls who were sisters. When Christine came home, she told her parents Emily and Samuel, "I want a baby sister so bad. Please can I get one?"

Her parents looked at each other and laughed. Emily said, "A sister would be fun."

But if we have another baby it could be a boy, added Samuel.

Christine thought a moment and said, "Never mind. It isn't worth the risk."


Joke # 6

Abraham wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a tailor. The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured Abraham, then told him the cloth was not enough to make a suit.

Abraham was unhappy with this opinion and sought another tailor. This tailor measured Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and said, "There is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a vest, please come back in a week to take your suit."

After a week Abraham came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor's son wearing trousers made of the same cloth.

Perplexed, he asked, "Just how could you make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when the other tailor could not make a suit only?"

It's very simple, replied the tailor, "The other tailor has two sons."


Joke # 7

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture", and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort, and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

2. On landing the stewardess said, "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out off this airplane."

3. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

4. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

5. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."


Joke # 8

Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A: Because they taste funny.


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