Friday, May 15, 2015

Jokes for Friday 15th May 2015

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Joke # 1

Mark Twain Quote


Joke # 2

What we say and what other people hear are rarely the same thing.


Joke # 3

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there is was too late and the man had died.

While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.

The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."


Joke # 4

Q: What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut?
A: Tug-of-whore.


Joke # 5

Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked,

You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?

Actually, yes, we are, one cleric replied. "How did you know?"

Easy, said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"


Joke # 6

A woman gets on a city bus. She looks at the driver and holds up one hand; the driver holds up two hands. Next, the woman points up; the driver points down. Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch.

Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus.

A curious passenger asked the bus driver what the odd motions were all about.

The driver explained, 'The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me if a bus ride is five cents, and I told her it was ten cents. Next, she asked if the bus was going uptown, and I told her it was going downtown.

Then, she asked if the bus was going past the dairy, and I told her it was going past the ballpark...' The passenger interjected, 'Okay, but why did she grab her butt as she left the bus?' The driver continued, 'She replied, 'Oh shit, I'm on the wrong bus!


Joke # 7

A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning." I’m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

Hi there, slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

But the guy was drunk, says the husband.

It doesn't matter, says the wife." He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere,

He shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."


Joke # 8

Q: Why do they call it PMS?
A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken


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