Monday, May 18, 2015

Jokes for Monday 18th May 2015

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Joke # 1

Never confuse education with intelligence


Joke # 2

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.


Joke # 3

A poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, "My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd, and I'm nervous as a cat."

Why don't you go see a psychiatrist? asked the collie.

I can't, replied the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."


Joke # 4

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
Q: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.


Joke # 5

A wife got up early one morning and did a couple of tasks in the kitchen.

She was still feeling a little tired afterward, so she crawled back in to bed with her husband. He stirred and asked, "Is it time to get up?"

No, replied the wife. "I just thought we could lie in bed."

Hmmm, okay, he said. He thought for a moment, then added, "I made five million dollars at my job just last month. OK, now your turn."


Joke # 6

A three-year study was just completed on how different nationalities treat their computer equipment. The study found the following:

- The Japanese are most likely to clean their keyboards after every use.
- The Americans are most likely to spill food on their keyboards.
- The Ukranians use their keyboards for spare parts for their TV's.
- The Germans are most likely to pound on their keyboards.
- The French are most likely to give their keyboards to The Germans without a struggle.


Joke # 7

You Know You're a Bad Cook if ...

- The last time you tried to make toast The kitchen caught on fire.

- You make tuna noodle surprise for your family and the surprise is that it glows in the dark!

- Your homemade bread can be used as a door stop.

- The leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter.

- Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crockpot nine days old tastes like.

- The EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red 'biohazard' symbols.

- You use The smoke alarm as a cooking timer.

- Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.

- When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.

- You've used three boxes of scouring pads, a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan.

- Your family prays AFTER they eat!


Joke # 8

Q: Three words to ruin a man's ego...?
A: "Is it in?"


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