Thursday, May 14, 2015

Jokes for Thursday 14th May 2015

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Duct Tape and WD-40

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Never ending cycle

Pizza sharing! (dad+6yo son)

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Joke # 1

That face


Joke # 2

Those nicotine patches seem to work really well, but I heard that's it's kinda hard to keep em' lit.*


Joke # 3

William's wife started noticing how forgetful he was becoming. Being the concerned wife, she convinced him to see a doctor. William was a little worried when the doctor came in. Sensing his patient's nervousness, the first thing the doctor did was to ask what was troubling him.

Well, William answered. "I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there, if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor thought for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."


Joke # 4

Q: What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.


Joke # 5

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.

$50.00 for three questions, replied the lawyer.

Isn't that awfully steep? asked the man.

Yes, the lawyer replied, "and what is your third question?"


Joke # 6

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

Kneeling is definitely best, claimed one.

No, another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

You're both wrong, the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer.

Hey, fellas, he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."


Joke # 7

A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow into a breathalyzer.

I can't do that, officer -- I'm an asthmatic. I could hvae an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.

OK, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.

Can't do that either, officer. I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.

Alright, we could get a blood sample.

Can't do that either, officer. I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood, I could die.

Fine then, just walk this white line.

Can't do that either, officer.

Why not?

Because I'm drunk.


Joke # 8

Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck ?
A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them


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