Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Jokes for Tuesday 19th May 2015

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Successful people keep moving on

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Joke # 1

I do not consider my dog a pet




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Joke # 2

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

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Joke # 3

A bear walked into a bar, slapped a $50.00 bill on the bar and ordered a beer. The bartender looked at the $50 bill, then at the bear and said; "I'll be back in a minute."

He went to his manager and stated what had just occurred. The manager told him to go back to the bar, give the bear a beer, $.50 change and strike up a conversation.

The bartender drew a beer, placed it on the bar, took the $50 bill, tossed fifty cents on the bar and said; "You know we don't get many bears in here". The bear looked at the 50 cents, then at the beer, then said to the bartender; "$49.50 for a beer I can see why!"

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Joke # 4

Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.

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Joke # 5

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness Monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. It then opened its mouth waiting below to swallow them both.

As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in midair a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

God, come on, give me a break! the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!"

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Joke # 6

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little kids entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.

The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests co-operated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

After going all the way around the room, the children left. As they disappeared out of sight, there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "See I told you, it is "vanishing" cream!" During a dinner party, the hosts' two little kids entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.

The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests co-operated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

After going all the way around the room, the children left. As they disappeared out of sight, there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "See I told you, it is "vanishing" cream!"

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Joke # 7

Tips with English Grammer

1. Don't abbrev.

2. Check to see if you any words out.

3. Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.

4. About sentence fragments.

5. When dangling, don't use participles.

6. Don't use no double negatives.

7. Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.

8. Just between You and i, case is important.

9. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.

10. Don't use commas, that aren't necessary.

11. Its important to use apostrophe's right.

12. It's better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive.

13. Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without an object.

14. Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized. also a sentence should.

15. begin with a capital and end with a period

16. Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-word phrase.

17. In letters compositions reports and things like that we use commas

18. to keep a string of items apart.

19. Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into our language.

20. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

21. Avoid unnecessary redundancy.

22. A writer mustn't shift your point of view.

23. Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to punctuate it.

24. A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence with.

25. Avoid clich├ęs like the plague.

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Joke # 8

Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Optimus Prime made from car parts in Thailand

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2015/05/optimus-prime-made-from-car-parts-in.html

Put politicians on minimum age

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2015/05/put-politicians-on-minimum-age.html

Who wants coffee

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2015/01/who-wants-coffee.html

Who the fuck turned on the light

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2015/01/who-fuck-turned-on-light.html

When writing the story of your life

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2015/01/when-writing-story-of-your-life.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

How To Lay A Pathway

http://bit.ly/ah3DYP

Perfect Husband

http://bit.ly/bzoUQx

Morecambe and Wise - Mastermind

http://bit.ly/aVBbe5

Parents Vs Kids

http://bit.ly/9YVjcc

Rally Crash

http://bit.ly/dvuzcw


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