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Saturday, April 25, 2015

Buy our pizza



Jokes for Friday 24th April 2015

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

Please Like the posts and leave your comments.

Hemorrhoid

http://on.fb.me/12HWfUf

Canadians

http://on.fb.me/12HWeQa

Have a seat

http://on.fb.me/12HWgaJ

Hold your hand

http://on.fb.me/12HWgaT

I don't have a short temper

http://on.fb.me/12HWf6P

Check more on Facebook --> http://SydesJokes.com/Facebook

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Joke # 1

Maya Angelou Quote




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Joke # 2

Employees at a pizzeria in Ireland were fired for watching porn on the job. Isn't that disgusting? Irish people trying to make pizza?

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Joke # 3

Michelle kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit. "No way am I getting on an airplane," was the in- evitable answer.

Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on the ground or in the air.

I know, said her mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the ground when it's the pilot's time to go."

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Joke # 4

Q: How are airplanes and women alike?
A: They both have cockpits.

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Joke # 5

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's office.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?"

You would never get through basic training, scoffed another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"

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Joke # 6

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear youIrish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to- back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

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Joke # 7

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

Welcome to heaven, says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

No problem, just let me in, says the Senator.

Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.

Really? I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven, says the Senator.

I'm sorry, but we have our rules.

And with that St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a beautiful golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven..."

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

I don't understand, stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted..."

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Joke # 8

Q: What do you call a smiling Roman with a pubic hair between his teeth?
A: Gladiator!

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Catholic Children

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/catholic-children.html

Socks

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/socks.html

3 old grannies

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/3-old-grannies.html

Be Naughty

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/be-naughty.html

HIKERS and BIKERS

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/hikers-and-bikers.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Balloon Loving

http://bit.ly/axQt4H

I Miss Being A Little Boy

http://bit.ly/btqQvP

Levitating Water

http://bit.ly/9GHz04

Dunking Devils

http://bit.ly/kQOyrm

Clean Seat Advert

http://bit.ly/bOAdf1


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One of the best feelings in the world



Oh, I'm sorry....



Plato #Quote



Jokes for Thursday 23rd April 2015

SydesJokes Blog
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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

Please Like the posts and leave your comments.

Facebooked You

http://on.fb.me/12HWe2T

Bad Parenting

http://on.fb.me/12HWejj

Meanwhile in Canada 3

http://on.fb.me/12HWfDP

Go ahead

http://on.fb.me/12HWfDX

Good Judgement

http://on.fb.me/12HWfUd

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Joke # 1

Politically Correct




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Joke # 2

A small town is a place where there is little to see or do, but what you hear makes up for it.

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Joke # 3

At a Catholic school, there was a "meet the teacher" open house for the 2nd graders. After the meeting, a Nun announced that there would be a small reception afterwards in the cafeteria. All the children and parents filed in, and saw on a table a plate of apples, a plate of cookies, and some water bottles and juice. As the children went through the line, one boy saw that there was a sign on the plate of apples that said, "Take only one. God is watching."

So, the boy took an apple and moved on to the cookies. He helped himself, and then took a small piece of paper, and wrote: "Take all you want”. God is watching the apples."

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Joke # 4

Q: What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
A: They're both filled with stiffs, one's coming, one's going.

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Joke # 5

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared. It said, "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."

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Joke # 6

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children,so she asked if he would speak with her boys.The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old in first that morning,with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,"Where is God?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.When his older brother found him in the closet,he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

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Joke # 7

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.

In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out

with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

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Joke # 8

Q: What are 3 two letter words that say small?
A: Is it in.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

The Honeymoon Confession

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/honeymoon-confession.html

Trip to the Farm

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/trip-to-farm.html

Extra Strong Coffee

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/extra-strong-coffee.html

Never piss off a woman who can drive a backhoe

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/never-piss-off-woman-who-can-drive.html

Crying Baby

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/crying-baby.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

A Little Boy and His Dog

http://bit.ly/94vcVM

Slurping

http://bit.ly/a0iE2u

Swimmig With a Frisky Dlophin

http://bit.ly/eh3bqq

Goal

http://bit.ly/96rpv0

Got the Whole World in His Hands

http://bit.ly/9YD2Eg


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People will come and go in life



Paulo Coelho #Quote



Promise, is a big word



Jokes for Wednesday 22nd April 2015

SydesJokes Blog
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SydesJokes Flickr
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SydesJokes Instagram
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SydesJokes Tumblr
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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

Please Like the posts and leave your comments.

Welcome Mat

http://on.fb.me/12HWcbh

Meanwhile in Canada 2

http://on.fb.me/12HWcrx

Alcohol

http://on.fb.me/12HWcrJ

Fudge Packing

http://on.fb.me/12HWe2K

DAD

http://on.fb.me/12HWcId

Check more on Facebook --> http://SydesJokes.com/Facebook

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Joke # 1

Life is short




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Joke # 2

If some people said what they thought, they'd be speechless.

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Joke # 3

An elderly couple were taking a stroll when a bird flies past and relieves himself on the woman's head.

Yech! cries the woman. "Quick get some toilet tissue!"

What for? the man asks. "He must be half-a-mile away by now."

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Joke # 4

Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A: His hand caught fire.

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Joke # 5

Calvin sees Elmer and asks: What's up?

Elmer says; first I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that I got erysipelas with hemachromatosis. Following that I got poliomyelitis and finally ended up with neuritis. Then they gave me hypodermics and inoculations.

Calvin says: Boy, you had a time!

Elmer: I'll say! I thought I'd never pull trough that spelling test.

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Joke # 6

A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask, "God, what is a million years to you?"

God replies, "My son, a million years to you is like a second to me."

The man asks, "God, what is a million dollars to you?"

God replies, "My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me."

The man asks, "So God, can I have a million dollars?"

And God replies, "In a second."

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Joke # 7

Howard dragged himself into his doctor's office one day looking very exhausted.

Doctor Kane, he said, "there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep!"

I have good news for you, Howard, Doctor Kane said, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that were just approved. They work like a dream. Just a few of these and your troubles will be over."

Great, said Howard, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

Dr. Kane gave him the pills. Howard thanked him and left.

Two weeks later, Howard came back to Dr. Kane's office looking worse than ever.

Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than ever! Howard exclaimed.

I don't understand how that could be, said Dr. Kane, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

That may be true, answered Howard wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one, it's really hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

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Joke # 8

Q: Why is sex like a game of bridge?
A: If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Tiagra

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/tiagra.html

Rescue

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/rescue.html

Cracked Up

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/cracked-up.html

Money

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/money.html

Pussy Whipped

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/pussy-whipped.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Landing a Helicopter on a Ship in High Seas

http://bit.ly/qZTeax

Japanese Fanta Advert

http://bit.ly/dyDC1e

When Email Doesnt Work

http://bit.ly/9jQb0Y

Curly

http://bit.ly/cOHwsN

F15 Accident

http://bit.ly/9DOnrS


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One minute of kissing



People will stare



One Job



Jokes for Tuesday 21st April 2015

SydesJokes Blog
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SydesJokes Facebook Page
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Colin Sydes Facebook
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SydesJokes Twitter
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SydesJokes Flickr
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SydesJokes Instagram
http://instagram.com/SydesJokes

SydesJokes Tumblr
http://SydesJokes.tumblr.com/

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

Please Like the posts and leave your comments.

Sorry son

http://on.fb.me/12HWa39

Still in your pajamas

http://on.fb.me/12HWbEf

Texting in class

http://on.fb.me/12HWbUz

The pillow popped

http://on.fb.me/12HWbUD

Understanding Women

http://on.fb.me/12HWcb0

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Joke # 1

Incontinence Hotline




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Joke # 2

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn remarked that Murphy was a very lucky man, because his own wife makes him walk to the pub.

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Joke # 3

A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband's complaint that he leads a dog's life is probably well founded.

He comes in the house with muddy feet, she said, "tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes himself comfortable on my best furniture."

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Joke # 4

Q: There's no business like Show Business.
A: There's no job like a blow job.

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Joke # 5

A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he noticed she had bought a new book entitled, "What 20 Million American Women Want."

He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages.

His wife was a little annoyed. "Hey, what do you think you're doing?"

He calmly replied, "I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right."

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Joke # 6

Things to Think About

* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station ...

* I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what genius came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

* Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

* I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me Š they were cramming for their finals.

* Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write: A Very Good Doctor.

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Joke # 7

A guy named Pete gets a job as a switchman with the railroad, and undergoes weeks of training. The supervisor then takes him into the switch booth to test his readiness. The following exchange takes place:

Supervisor: "Imagine you were sitting here alone and you learned there was a train coming from the North on that track, and another coming from the South on the same track. What would you do?"

Pete: "I'd throw this switch right here and put one train on the other track."

Supervisor: And what if that switch didn't work?"

Pete: "I'd go down to the track and throw that big switchlever there, putting one train on the other track."

Supervisor: "And what if that switchlever didn't work?"

Pete: "Then I'd come back here and call the dispatcher to stop both trains."

Supervisor: "And what if the phone didn't work?"

Pete: "Then I'd go to that gas station across the street and use their phone."

Supervisor: "And what if their phone didn't work?"

Pete: "Then I'd go get Uncle Joe."

Supervisor: "Uncle Joe??? What would he do?"

Pete: "Nothing, but he ain't never seen a train wreck.

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Joke # 8

Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A: They are both substitute meats.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Home Economics For Men

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/home-economics-for-men.html

If Men Really Ruled the World

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/if-men-really-ruled-world.html

Beer - Now Cheaper Than Gas

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/beer-now-cheaper-than-gas.html

Adult Games

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/adult-games.html

Hiding Lockheed During WW II

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/hiding-lockheed-during-ww-ii.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Europe At War

http://bit.ly/aFs2Cr

Feeling At Home

http://bit.ly/cWzw5U

Idiots Caught On Tape

http://bit.ly/dmeYAD

Guy Hay Bails Himself

http://bit.ly/9kidiH

Stationary Is Bad #2

http://bit.ly/acjwVb


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Jokes for Monday 20th April 2015

SydesJokes Blog
http://SydesJokes.blogspot.com/

SydesJokes Facebook Page
http://SydesJokes.com/Facebook

Colin Sydes Facebook
https://www.facebook.com/colin.sydes

Colin Sydes Google+
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SydesJokes Twitter
http://twitter.com/SydesJokes

SydesJokes Flickr
http://flickr.com/SydesJokes/

SydesJokes Instagram
http://instagram.com/SydesJokes

SydesJokes Tumblr
http://SydesJokes.tumblr.com/

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

Please Like the posts and leave your comments.

Lessons I learned from my dog

http://on.fb.me/12HWbnq

Melon Collie

http://on.fb.me/12HW9Mq

Parenting

http://on.fb.me/12HW9My

People Like You

http://on.fb.me/12HWbnD

She Loves Me

http://on.fb.me/12HWbDX

Check more on Facebook --> http://SydesJokes.com/Facebook

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Joke # 1

The secret of success




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Joke # 2

According to The Wall Street Journal, Walmart will now pay its employees electronically. It'll still be in pesos... but electronically.

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Joke # 3

A little boy knocks at the door and tells the owner that something of his had found its way into her garage, and he wanted it back. The homeowner opened the garage and noticed two additions; a baseball and broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole.

How do you suppose this ball got in here? she asked the child.

Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at the homeowner, the little boy exclaimed, "Wow lady! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"

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Joke # 4

Q: Mom's have Mother's Day. Fathers have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday.

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Joke # 5

The teacher, during an English lesson, asked her students: "Now tell me, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"

Little Johnny, in the back row, raised his hand.

Yes, Johnny, said the teacher

A teacher!

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Joke # 6

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

Do you understand that what matters is that we play together as a team?

The little boy nodded yes.

So, the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

Good, said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your parents."

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Joke # 7

You know you're a lousy cook if ...

... when handing out assignments for a picnic or event, you're always asked to bring "paper plates."

... In a Pavlovian reaction, your family automatically heads for the table every time they hear a fire siren.

... anyone has ever broken a tooth eating your homemade yogurt.

... your kids know what "peas porridge in a pot nine days old" tastes like.

... when your son goes outside to make mud pies, the rest of the family grabs forks and follows him.

... your kids' favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer.

... you have to buy 25 pounds of dog food twice a week for your Chihuaua.

... your kids got even with the neighborhood bully by inviting him over for dinner.

... your kids got suspended from school for trying to smuggle toxic waste in their lunch bags.

... your husband refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.

... no matter what you do to it, the gravy still comes out bright purple.

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Joke # 8

Q: Why is being in the military like a blow job?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

A Policeman Testifies in Court

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/policeman-testifies-in-court.html

Nearsighted Minister

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/nearsighted-minister.html

The World's Oldest Fruitcake

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/worlds-oldest-fruitcake.html

Actual Lines from Resumes

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/actual-lines-from-resumes.html

The Holidays

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/holidays.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Gun Powder Explosion

http://bit.ly/d9pOoD

Valet Parking

http://bit.ly/bNTwfI

Canadian Beer Commercial

http://bit.ly/alXtaz

The Nut Bra

http://bit.ly/cbmfxA

Free Kick

http://bit.ly/bLbyQN


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Overthinking



Pimpin'



Real Love



Jokes for Sunday 19th April 2015

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I will love you all my life

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I'm not sleeping

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Innocent Plants

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Instant Antidepressant

http://on.fb.me/12HW9fx

It's Spring

http://on.fb.me/12HWb70

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Joke # 1

When life give you lemons




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Joke # 2

If at first you don't succeed, try looking in the waste basket for the directions.

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Joke # 3

On the first day back in school, the English teacher wrote on the blackboard. "I ain't had no fun all summer."

Now Paul. she said to a student. "What shall I do to correct this?"

Get a boyfriend. Paul replied.

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Joke # 4

Q: Why do we have orgasms?
A: How else would we know when to stop?

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Joke # 5

Mike and Joan were having some problems at home and were giving each other the "silent treatment." But then Mike realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning drive with some pals to go golfing.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and so lose the 'war'), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00am."

The next morning, Mike woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and that his friends had left for the golf course without him. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It's 5:00 am. Wake up."

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Joke # 6

Little Bob went with his mom to church every Sunday.

One morning in the middle of the service Bob complained that he was feeling a bit queasy and was afraid he was going to puke. "No problem dear," whispered his Mom in his ear, "just head on over to the bathroom on the other side of the Church, and take care of it there."

Thirty seconds later Bob came back.

Did you go to the bathroom? questioned his Mom.

No need responded Bob. "Right outside the door was a big box with a sign next to it ‘for the sick’, so I just did it in there!"

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Joke # 7

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.

The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!

She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and warned she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

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Joke # 8

Q: Define Transvestite:
A: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

The 10 Commandments of Email

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/10-commandments-of-email.html

Reasons For Being Fired From Toys 'R' Us

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/reasons-for-being-fired-from-toys-r-us.html

Old age sex

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/old-age-sex.html

Business Quotes

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/business-quotes.html

Hot Nipples

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/hot-nipples.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Dry Retreiver

http://bit.ly/9YJnl9

Verizon Commercial

http://bit.ly/cgEr6l

Mouse Agility Course

http://bit.ly/bsQ5Cb

Toilet Trained Dog

http://bit.ly/9DKQHw

Nintendo Wii Console

http://bit.ly/bMzSrk


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Redneck Power Windows



Life is short



DADD



Jokes for Saturday 18th April 2015

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Go to Canada they said

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How to catch a Canadian

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Joke # 1

HATES




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Joke # 2

If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's probably because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem. (Law of Gravitas

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Joke # 3

The young man ahead of my father at the flower shop was taking an unusually long time to place an order.

When the clerk asked how she could help, he explained that his girlfriend was turning 19 and he couldn't decide whether to give her a dozen roses or19 roses -- one for each year of her life.

The woman put aside her business judgment and advised, "She may be your 19-year-old girlfriend now, but someday she'll be your 50-year-old wife." The young man bought a dozen roses.

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Joke # 4

Q: What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
A: Toys for Twats.

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Joke # 5

A wife was sitting peacefully in her cozy armchair sewing her husband’s socks.

Her husband came in to the room and glanced at what she was doing, and started badgering, "HONEY be more careful! PLEASE WATCH WHAT YOU ARE DOING! You don’t wan’t to poke YOUR finger! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU! Don’t look up when YOUR’E SEWING! There you go now slow and steady, nice even stitches.

The wife puts down the needle and thread, looks up at her husband, and says, "What the hell is wrong with you? Do you know how many times I’ve sewn socks before?!"

EXACTLY THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO GET AT, hollered the husband, "DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I’VE DRIVEN A CAR BEFORE!?"

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Joke # 6

The young mom was almost crazy with her three young kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts!! Such pests. They give me no rest and I'm half way to the funny farm."

What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself, her friend said.

So she bought a playpen A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.

Superb! I can't believe it, the young mother said.

I get in that pen with a good book, a chocolate bar, and the kids don't bother me for hours!

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Joke # 7

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two people: one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11).

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Q.C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payroll officer (GS-11) and hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin. Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary (GS-08).

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost," so they laid off the night watchman.

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Joke # 8

Q: What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
A: S&M&M.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Condoms

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/condoms.html

Good Excuse

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/good-excuse.html

No Jewish boys in berlin

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/no-jewish-boys-in-berlin.html

Helicopter Beer Bottle Opener

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/helicopter-beer-bottle-opener.html

3 Wise Men

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/3-wise-men.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Get Out of my Car

http://bit.ly/aWHyLz

Microsofts Second Commercial With Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gate

http://bit.ly/9po6yn

Coolest Way To Get Into Your Car

http://bit.ly/cl3EKz

Typical Traffic Stop in Texas

http://bit.ly/98w7wQ

Perfect Commercial

http://bit.ly/aKDufU


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REAL or FAKE



Real Men



Jokes for Friday 17th April 2015

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Cook with wine

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Dear Annoying Person

http://on.fb.me/12HW7UQ

Different Settings

http://on.fb.me/12HW7UW

Friends

http://on.fb.me/12HW8bg

Glad you are home

http://on.fb.me/12HW7nZ

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Joke # 1

Carl Jung Quote




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Joke # 2

When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law)

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Joke # 3

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

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Joke # 4

Q: How is a woman like a road?
A: Both have manholes.

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Joke # 5

Mary Simpson was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest and I'm half-way to the nut hatch."

What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself, her friend said.

So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.

Superb! I can't believe it, Mary said. "I get in that pen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"

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Joke # 6

A young Irish odd job man goes to the home of a wealthy business man.

Ringing on the bell of the grand house, the door opens and the master of the house inquires what this young man wants: "Hello sir, I am looking for work and wondered if you could give me any odd jobs to do, gardening or decorating."

The wealthy business man considered for a moment and said, "Yes my man I think the porch is in need of a lick of paint. Can you redecorate it?"

'Oh no problem sir, I will do that straight away."

Half an hour later the doorbell rings again and the smiling young man declares, "I've finished the Porsche. Do you want me to paint the Mercedes as well?"

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Joke # 7

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
How are three people going to travel on only one ticket? asked an accountant.

Watch and you'll see, answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.

How are you going to ride without a ticket? said one perplexed accountant.

Watch and you'll see, answered an engineer.

When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding.

He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

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Joke # 8

Q: What's the definition of a vagina?
A: The box a penis comes in.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

How Tequila Works

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/howtequila-works.html

Birthday Cake

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/birthday-cake.html

Cute Little Texas Pig

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/cute-little-texas-pig.html

Useful Math Conversions

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/useful-math-conversions.html

Post Office

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/post-office.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Jugs For Christmas

http://bit.ly/9c6f4c

Red Riding Hood

http://bit.ly/byp74a

Dumb Blonde

http://bit.ly/a7YFLh

Condom Plant

http://bit.ly/cJevF6

No Whoppers

http://bit.ly/9AN59E


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Plato #Quote



Note to self



Not you



Thursday, April 16, 2015

Jokes for Thursday 16th April 2015

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Alternatives

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Alzheimer's

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Bed and Breakfast

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Best Friends

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Candian Archaeology

http://on.fb.me/12HW7Em

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Joke # 1

The Department of Home Security




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Joke # 2

When things seem to be going well, you've probably forgotten to do something. (Cheney's Second Corollary)

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Joke # 3

An Englishman in France is totally drunk. The gendarme stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day. He drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at a party and a quite few glasses of single malt afterwards.

When the gendarme gives him an alco-test (breath test) he scores of the scale. The officer asks, "Do you know why you are going to be arrested under French Law?"

No sir, I do not. But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving ... on the other side?

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Joke # 4

Q: What's the definition of a teenager?
A: God's punishment for enjoying sex.

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Joke # 5

An expectant mom let her 4-year-old place his hand on her belly and feel the baby kick.

He asked, "How does the baby get out of there?"

To keep it simple, she just said, "The doctor will help."

His eyes widened: "You've got a doctor in there, too?!"

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Joke # 6

When a woman called 911 complaining of difficulty breathing, the Fire Department rushed to her home. One Paramedic placed a sensor on her finger to measure her pulse and blood oxygen. Then he began to gather her information.

What's your age? he asked.

Fifty-eight, answered the patient, eyeing the beeping device on her finger.

What does that do?

It's a lie detector, said the Paramedic with a straight face. "Now, what did you say your age was?"

Sixty-seven, answered the woman sheepishly.

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Joke # 7

Some Really Good Questions

1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?'

4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice?" How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

14. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it? And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!

16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

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Joke # 8

Q: Did you hear the slogan for the the new "Stealth Condom?"
A: "They'll never see you coming."

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Skinny Blue People

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/skinny-blue-people.html

What's Under Your Tree

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/whats-under-your-tree.html

Senate's Workshop

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/senates-workshop.html

Tree in Ass

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/tree-in-ass.html

This Job Blows

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/this-job-blows.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Crossing Guard

http://bit.ly/bG68jM

Look At My New Dog

http://bit.ly/9qtvvX

Two Guys One Flute

http://bit.ly/96HrmM

Awesome US Fire Power

http://bit.ly/co2mso

Nokia Mobile Phone Video Services

http://bit.ly/bzj6Xv


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Jokes for Wednesday 15th April 2015

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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OCD

http://on.fb.me/12HW63e

Stalking

http://on.fb.me/12HW63n

1980 - 2013

http://on.fb.me/12HW4sa

A Perfect Person

http://on.fb.me/12HW6jO

All Drowned

http://on.fb.me/12HW6A8

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Joke # 1

So when is this 'old enough to know better' supposed to kick in




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Joke # 2

Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance So Sorry Law)

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Joke # 3

During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "You see, it is vanishing cream!"

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Joke # 4

Q: What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A: A genealogist looks up your family tree. A gynecologist looks up your family bush.

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Joke # 5

A Polish immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license. He has to take an eye test.

They show him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.

Can you read this? the optician asks.

Read it? the Polish guy replies, "Heck, I know the guy."

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Joke # 6

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation..... And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

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Joke # 7

Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to become the next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department. "Please, Dad," whined the boy, "I promise I'll use them every day."

I don't know, Michael. It's really a big commitment on your part, the father pointed out.

Please, Dad?

They're not cheap either.

I'll use them Dad, I promise. You'll see.

Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.

From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?!"

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Joke # 8

Q: Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
A: Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Brown Nose

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/brown-nose.html

This Years Bonus

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/this-years-bonus.html

Donate Here

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/donate-here.html

Some Assembly Required

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/some-assembly-required.html

What's The Hold Up

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/whats-hold-up.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Fast Train in India

http://bit.ly/doJUJe

Polishing Bar

http://bit.ly/cuWNK8

Buy A Turkey You Can Handle

http://bit.ly/aC4Xka

Crazy Frog

http://bit.ly/d0uGbZ

One Unlucky Ass

http://bit.ly/a5es42


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Jokes for Tuesday 14th April 2015

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Kim Kardashian, the new spokespersons for Clearasil.

http://on.fb.me/12HW5wd

Hot Coffee - Go Canada

http://on.fb.me/12HW5wf

Abraham Lincoln #Quote

http://on.fb.me/12HW5wn

Gone are the days

http://on.fb.me/12HW4bw

I'm not insensitive

http://on.fb.me/12HW5MS

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Joke # 1

Bruce Lee Quote




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Joke # 2

When one's hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of Ichiban)

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Joke # 3

A slightly unsure witness to a car crash kept saying things like, "I think the light was yellow," or, "I think it was still raining."

The cross-examining lawyer interrupted, saying derisively, "We don't care what you think. What do you know?"

The harried witness paused for a moment and then replied, "Then I may as well leave the witness stand. Since I'm not a lawyer, I can't talk without thinking."

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Joke # 4

Q: How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

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Joke # 5

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way buddy you're too drunk."

A few minutes later the drunk comes in through the bathrooms, again he slurs, "give me a drink", bartender says "No man I told you last time you're too drunk"

Five minutes later the guy comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"

The drunk scratches his head and says "Damn I must be... the last two places said the same thing."

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Joke # 6

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway.

After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, the mother went outside and in a few minutes returned the lens in her hand.

How did you manage to find it, Mom? the teenager asked."

We weren't looking for the same thing, she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

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Joke # 7

Old us when..

* Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

* Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

* Your Honey Dressed Provocatively catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

* You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

* You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

* "Getting a little action" means, "I don't need to take any fiber today."

* "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

* An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

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Joke # 8

Q: What did the Indian say to the white woman when she tied his penis in a knot?
A: "How Come?"

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Tight Ass

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/tightass.html

World's Longest Place Name

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/worlds-longest-place-name.html

Book Store

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/book-store.html

Ponder These

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/ponder-these.html

Keep Mouth Shut

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/keep-mouth-shut.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Jay Lenno - Favourite Interviews

http://bit.ly/a6PFq1

Cool Mint

http://bit.ly/cSOYDh

Mans Favorite Tool

http://bit.ly/aSB6ie

Xmas Lights #2

http://bit.ly/bdsVex

Beertender

http://bit.ly/axXb2a


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Jokes for Monday 13th April 2015

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Who said that women can't park

http://on.fb.me/12HW37D

A Buck

http://on.fb.me/12HW3nY

Arch Enemies

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Dolphin Photo Bomb

http://on.fb.me/12HW3Es

I did the math

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Joke # 1

Socks without partners




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Joke # 2

A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale Law of Destiny)

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Joke # 3

A vacationer called a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only a stone's throw from the beach," he was told.

But how will I recognize it? asked the man.

Came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken windows."

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Joke # 4

Q: How does every ethnic joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.

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Joke # 5

A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on these decisions.

For instance, he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?"

The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."

Wrong, replied the speaker, "there would still be five because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping."

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Joke # 6

Larry had gone to propose to his girlfriend. He came home weeping bitterly, but his father patiently waited to here what had happened.

So what happened, Larry? the old man asked. "Did she accept?"

No, Dad, she sure didn't. When I told her what you told me to say, she slapped my face and sent me home.

Did you start out by saying what I told you to, what I told your mother when she accepted my proposal? 'Dear, time stands still when I look in your eyes.' Did you say that to her?"

Dad, I got it all wrong. I said, 'My dear, your face would stop a clock!'

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Joke # 7

A man goes to his girlfriend's house for the first time.

As she's showing him around the house, she brings him into the living room.

I'll be right back, she says. "I'm going into the kitchen to get us some drinks. Have a seat."

As he's sitting there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.

What's this? he asks.

Oh, my father's ashes are in there, she says.

Really? he replies. "Gee, I'm sorry."

Yeah, she says. "He's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray!"

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Joke # 8

Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Scooby Doo Poster

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/scooby-doo-poster.html

Married Couple

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/married-couple.html

How to Ask For Oral Sex

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/how-to-ask-for-oral-sex.html

PONDERISMS

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/ponderisms.html

Sign in Texas

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2009/12/sign-in-texas.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Rain Choir

http://bit.ly/d1KcIG

Worlds Most Dangerous Comedian

http://bit.ly/alw8Fq

Big Piano Keyboard

http://bit.ly/9eN6bC

Texas Monthly Talks - Ted Nugent

http://bit.ly/aeF2MF

When the Wife Doesn't Listen

http://bit.ly/aRTh97


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