SydesJokes: December 2017

Saturday, December 30, 2017

Daily Jokes from SydesJokes for 30 Dec 2017

Joke 1

Stephen Colbert on Climate Change

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://bit.ly/2BYlPHV

Joke 2

Error: keyboard locked - try anything you can think of.

Joke 3

A guy walked into the doctor's office for an appointment. "Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked. "I'll need the information for the doctor."

"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."

"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."

Joke 4

Q: Why did the dinosaur walk across the road?
A: Because chickens were not invented yet.

Joke 5

"I want to be a tightrope walker. What equipment do I need?" asked a prospective circus employee.

"Very flexible shoes, two towers, a wire, a pole and a bank book." responded the ringmaster.

"I understand the shoes, towers, wire and pole, but what's the bank book for?" inquired the man.

"To check your balance, of course."

Joke 6

A nurse was taking care of a soldier in the Army Hospital.

"How I wish I could kiss the American flag before I die," the soldier said.

The nurse was extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism and said, "I have a tattoo of the American flag on my bottom. You may kiss it if you don't mind."

"Of course I wouldn't mind. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish." the soldier said.

The nurse took off her panties and the dying soldier kissed the flag.

"Thank you, nurse." he said "Now would you be so kind as to turn around so that I could kiss Bush too?"

Joke 7

Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down." So he did!

The straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!"

The stick pig let the straw pig in. Then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down!" And he did!

So, the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in! The wolf just blew down our houses and we're scared!"

So the brick pig let them in. The wolf caught up with them and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down."

While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig were so scared. But the brick pig picked up the phone and called a friend. A few minutes passed and all of a sudden this big, black stretch limousine drove up. Out came two massive pigs in pinstriped suits and fedoras. These huge pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and proceeded to beat the crap out of him. Then they got back into their limo and drove off.

The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed. They asked the brick pig, "Who the heck were those guys?"

And the brick pig said, "Oh, those are my cousins, the Guinea Pigs."

Joke 8

Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A rubbish truck.

Cryptocoinopoly

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://bit.ly/2BVKMUp

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Happiness is not a goal

Seth Godin

What good have I done today?

Aristotle

Even the genius asks questions

Remember as days get colder, animals are attracted to the warmth of cars so check wheel arches or other hiding places.

Stephen Colbert

Friday, December 29, 2017

Daily Jokes from SydesJokes for 29 Dec 2017

Joke 1

Come to the Dark Side

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://csyd.es/1/210

Joke 2

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Joke 3

Ramona said, "My, but you look different today," to Marianne, a coworker at the hospital. "Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look. What did you use - special curlers and some dramatic eye makeup?"

"No!" replied Marianne. "My vibrator shorted out this morning."

Joke 4

Q: What does the toast wear to bed?
A: Jammies!

Joke 5

An interviewer says, "Tell me your choice. I can either ask you ten easy questions or one very difficult question. Think hard before you make up your mind."

"Ummm, I'd like one very difficult question."

"You have made your own choice. Good luck to you. Tell me which comes first: day or night?"

"The day, sir."

"And how did you reach that conclusion?"

"Sorry, sir. I agreed to answer only one difficult question."

Joke 6

The teacher asks kindergarten students what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for. The first pupil: "Tylenol?"

Teacher: " Very good! And what is it used for?"

Pupil: "It is used for headaches."

Second pupil: "Nytol, Teacher."

Teacher: " Excellent. And what it is used for?"

Pupil: " To help you sleep."

Now it is Johnny's turn and he says: "Viagra."

Teacher: " Johnny, what do you think is it used for?"

Johnny: "It can be used for diarrhea."

Teacher: "Who told you this?"

Johnny: "Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father ... 'Take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder!'"

Joke 7

Bob was showing off his bird dog to his friend Bill. They went down Towards a lake and Bob said to the dog, "How many ducks are there boy?"

The dog raced off to the lake, came back a couple of minutes later, and Barked twice. Seconds later, two ducks floated into view.

"That was unbelievable, can he do it again?" Bill asked.

"Sure," responded Bob, "How many ducks are there boy?"

The dog raced off again, came back, and barked four times. Four ducks Flew in and landed on the pond.

"I have to have that dog," Bill said, "I'll give you $5,000 and all of My hunting dogs."

They agreed to the deal, and Bill took the dog home to show off to his Wife. Bill and his wife took his new dog down to the lake and Bill Said, "How many ducks are there boy?"

The dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a stick, Shook it, and threw it over his shoulder. "Bob gypped the hell out of You," his wife said. "You are such a fool."

Bill protested, "But I saw it work, let me try again. How many ducks Are there boy?"

Again the dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a Stick, shook it, and threw it over his shoulder. "Well, shit" Bill Said, "This dog is useless." In a fit of rage he shot the dog.

Then, after shooting the dog, he went back and told the story to Bob.

After hearing that Bill had killed the dog, Bob cried "YOU IDIOT. That Dog was telling you that there were more ducks than you could fucking Shake a stick at ."

Joke 8

Q: How are doughnuts and golf alike?
A: They both have a hole in one!

Of course life is a Bitch

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://csyd.es/1/107

Thursday, December 28, 2017

Cryptocoinopoly

Life is an echo

Winston Churchill

Expect bullshit, but never accept it

Karma

A Beginner's Guide to Cryptocurrency

HODLOR!

Life is not the way it's supposed to be

Stress

Always do your best

Life is really simple

A simple grain of sand

Oscar Wilde

Anyone that really gets to know me

Frederick Douglass

Ernest Hemingway

If your friends don't push you to be your best

Looking back

Happiness is in the heart

Hard work

Daily Jokes from SydesJokes for 28 Dec 2017

Joke 1

Conquer yourself rather than the world. - Descartes

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://csyd.es/1/195

Joke 2

The less you talk, the more you're listened to.

Joke 3

Two men are having a conversation. "I would like to see a woman dentist," said the first man.

Why? asked his friend?

Because it would be a pleasure to have a woman say, 'open your mouth' instead of 'shut up.'

Joke 4

Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck.

Joke 5

A Wiccan, a Christian, and an atheist are walking casually down a street, talking amongst themselves in a friendly manner when they spot a tornado headed straight for them.

The Wiccan outstretches her arms to the sky and says frantically, "O Lord and Lady!"

The Christian falls hard to his knees, "O Jesus help me, Jesus be with me!"

The atheist turns and grabs ahold of the nearest tree, and says, "Oh nooooooo!"

Joke 6

Ruth takes one look inside her 10 year old son Daniel’s bedroom and immediately goes downstairs to confront him. "Daniel," she says to him, "I thought you told me that you had thoroughly cleaned your room. I’ve just taken a look at it and it’s still a big mess. What have you got to say about it?"

I really don’t know why you’re making such a fuss, mum, Daniel replies. "After all, I never actually told you my room was clean."

Oh but you did, Daniel, says Ruth.

No, mum, you’re wrong there, says Daniel. "What I actually told you at 5.10pm this afternoon was, ‘OK mum, I’m done with the cleaning of my room’."

Ruth can’t help but smile. "OK smarty pants," she says, "I should have remembered that you want to be a lawyer when you grow up. You’re obviously going to make a brilliant lawyer."

Joke 7

An old man was tired from riding his bike, and decided to hitch hike. A guy in his red Corvette pulled up to give him a lift. When the old man brought out his bike that he had leaned up against a tree, the driver said, "I have no room for your bike in my car, but I'd like to help you in some way seeing you standing here in the hot sun." After a few seconds of thought, the driver said, "I know what we can do. I have a rope behind my seat. I'll tie one end of it to the rear end of my car and the other end to the front your bike. You ride your bike, and I'll give you this whistle. If I go too fast for you, just blow your whistle and I'll slow down."

The old guy agreed to it. So off he went down the highway with the old man and his bike in tow. A little ways down the road, a young lady in a bright yellow corvette pulls up next to them. She gives the guy in the red Vette the High Sign, meaning "you want a drag?" Off they go down the highway, 100 plus MPH, the old man blowing his whistle like crazy. They zipped by a Highway Patrol cop sitting under a tree. The cop knew he couldn't catch them, so he called ahead to his fellow cop down the road to intercept.

Car number 2, this is car number 1.

Go head number 1, what'cha got for me?

I got red and yellow Vettes come down your way doing hundred plus; can you intercept?

Ten-four, Is there anything else?

Yeah, you wouldn't believe this, but there is an old guy riding a bicycle blowing his whistle trying to pass.

Joke 8

Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.

Remember that failure is an event, not a person. - Zig Ziglar

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://csyd.es/1/196

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Daily Jokes from SydesJokes for 27 Dec 2017

Joke 1

Religion is like a penis

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://csyd.es/1/194

Joke 2

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Joke 3

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

WIFE: "In the pool"

Joke 4

Q: Where do cars go for a swim?
A: At the carpool!

Joke 5

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited!"

The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."

Now the bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honour notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited!"

The bride replies "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."

Joke 6

Three guys are walking down the beach when they see this beautiful woman laying naked on the beach.

Well, the first guy goes over to her and starts making love to her, when she says, "What will we name the child?"

The guy freaks and runs away. So the second guy goes over to her and starts "doing his thing" when she says, "What will we name the child?"

He freaks out also and runs away.

The third guy has been watching all this. So he puts on a condom and goes to do his thing. When she says 'what will we name the child?' He ignores her and keeps on going. She keeps asking but he keeps going.

Finally he finishes and pulls off the condom, ties a knot in the end of the rubber and throws it in the ocean. He turns to the girl and says, "If he gets out of that, we'll call him Houdini."

Joke 7

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theater where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally the time came.

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

You bloody fool! he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

He asked. "No!" the director screamed, "You forgot the bloody rose!"

Joke 8

Q: Where do you go to find a million story building?
A: You go to the Library!

Keep Calm and Purge Toxic People

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://csyd.es/1/208

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

Daily Jokes from SydesJokes for 26 Dec 2017

Joke 1

Physically I am here

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://csyd.es/1/110

Joke 2

Backup not found! A)bort, R)etry or P)anic?

Joke 3

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

You'll get your chance in court, said the Desk Sergeant.

No, no, no! said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Joke 4

Q: Why was the math book sad?
A: It had too many problems.

Joke 5

A sixty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight ... Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look, what's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old"..

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 65 year old bum?"

Your name never came up, she replied.

Joke 6

Mary: My friend Joe called me last night to complain about his home life.

Jill: Really? What's the problem?

Mary: Oh, it's the usual. His daughter's a teenager. You know how teens can be!

Jill: Oh, yes, I do!

Mary: He said, "I can't get a break! My daughter's 14 and getting breasts, and my wife's 48 and getting a moustache!"

Joke 7

Joe sets up Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of his.

But Michael is a little worried about going out with someone he’s never seen before.

What do I do if she’s ugly? asks Mike, "I’ll be stuck with her all night!"

Don’t worry, Joe says, "Do this: Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don’t just shout, ‘Aaaaaaaaaugh!’ and fake a seizure."

That'll work? Mike asks.

Trust me, Joe says. "It's been done before."

So that night Mike knocks on the girl’s door. When she answers, he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. He’s about to speak when she suddenly shouts, "Aaaaaaaaaugh!"

Joke 8

Q: Why did the girl throw the butter out the window?
A: She wanted to see a butterfly.

Teach your kids about building a gaming PC

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://csyd.es/1/209

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Saturday, December 30, 2017

Friday, December 29, 2017

Thursday, December 28, 2017

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Tuesday, December 26, 2017