Thursday, October 23, 2014

Nelson Mandela #Quote

Jokes for Thursday 23rd October 2014

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Consider the following:

-> 95% of all diets and weight loss programs fail.
-> 8 out of 10 Americans over the age of 25 are overweight.
-> 174 million Americans are overweight or obese.
-> The worldwide number is expected to double by 2030.
-> 25.8 million children and adults in the United States (8.3% of the population) have diabetes.

Source: Centers for Disease Control.

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Joke # 1

Taking care of veterans


Joke # 2

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankl e with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'


Joke # 3

A sexy lady meet a handsome young man in a pub, after some drinks and a little tipsy the sexy lady said to the young man, "My mouth is like a loud speaker, my two breasts are for tuning, left one is for tuning the channel AM or FM and my right breast is for tuning bass and treble depending which mode you want." The young man was aroused by the young lady _expression, and said to the lady, "I don't believe it." Young lady said, "You can try it if you want." Young man said, "OK come to my hotel room and prove it to me." They agreed and both holding hands and headed for the hotel room. Upon entering he room the young lady undressed herself and soon the young man start feeling the left nipple for AM/FM fine-tuning. After a while nothing happen. He changed to the right nipple and start rubbing with greater pressure. Again, nothing happened.

The young man soon gave up and ask the lady, "Hello sweetie, after I have tuned your AM/FM and treble/ bass nipples there are no response."

The sexy lady replied, "You forgot to PLUG IN your power."


Joke # 4

Q: What do you call a fairy that hasn't bathed in a year?
A: Stinkerbell.


Joke # 5

A man shows up for his first day of work aboard a cruise ship. He soon discovers there are no women on board, so he seeks out the captain. "Captain!" he says, "There are no women on this ship! What will we do for pleasure?"

"Not to worry, laddie," the captain says as he walks the man over to a barrel. "Just stick your willie in the hole in this barrel here. That'll take care o' ya!"

The man is a little ambivalent about this at first, but the next day he decides, "What the heck?" and tries it. The sensation is wonderful!

The man begins to do this every day.

He notices the other men aboard the ship are doing it, too. One day he does it and feels nothing. So he seeks the captain out. "Captain!" he says, "I didn't feel anything from the hole in the barrel today!"

"Sorry, laddie, forgot to tell ya," the captain says. "Today it's your turn to be in the barrel!"


Joke # 6

Little Johnny tried out for the school play. The teacher gave him these lines to practice:

"Hark! A pistol shot! There lies a lady with hope in her soul. I think I'll snatch a kiss and run into the forest. By William Shakespeare."

Little Johnny practiced and practiced and did the lines perfectly every time. The night of the play it was his turn to speak. This is what he said:

"Hark! A pigeon shit! There lies a lady with soap in her hole. I think I'll kiss her snatch and run into the forest. By William Snakeshit... Horseshit... Oh, shit! Fuck it, I didn't want to be in this damn play anyway!"


Joke # 7

Three golfers had a big golf game with a client in Arizona. They were running late and as luck would have it their car broke down. They found a repair garage nearby. The mechanic told them it would take four hours to fix their car. But he told them" You're in luck. I have a camel that the three of you can ride over to the golf course. This camel is smart. He can read stoplights - he'll stop and go just as the light directs. So the three of them pile on the camel, golf clubs and all and took off.

An hour later the mechanic saw the three of them standing a couple of miles down the road and the camel was not in sight.

"What in the world happened and where's my camel?"

"Well, we had stopped at that light and a car pulled up along side of us. The guy in the car stuck his head out the window and said 'Look at the three nuts on that camel!!'" When we got off to look, the beast took off when the light turned green."


Joke # 8

Q: When is it a good time to eat a window?
A: When it's jammed.


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