Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Jokes for Wednesday 28th January 2015

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Facebook

http://on.fb.me/1893xR5

Forrest Gump #Quote

http://on.fb.me/1893Afx

Juiciest Peach

http://on.fb.me/1893AfF

Facebook comments

http://on.fb.me/1893ynV

Guardian Angel

http://on.fb.me/1893yEl

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Joke # 1

Coffee




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Joke # 2

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

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Joke # 3

A Mexican restaurant I pulled up to looked great. Only one problem: It wasn't open. So I jotted down the name for another day. Just then, a man came out of the restaurant and took a peek at what I'd written.

That's not the name of the restaurant, he said, pointing to the sign over the door. "That's Spanish for 'Closed on Mondays.'"

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Joke # 4

Q: What's 182 feet tall and made out of pepperoni and cheese?
A: The leaning tower of Pizza.

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Joke # 5

A competent but quiet new employee joined our computer-programming staff. The rest of us worried that she might find our offhand office humor offensive.

I knew she'd be all right, though, the evening I poked my head into the cubicle she shared with two other programmers.

You the only fool here? I asked.

Not now, she replied.

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Joke # 6

Teacher asks the kids in spelling class to tell what their father does for a living, and spell it. First kid says, "My daddy's a baker. That's b-a-k-e-r. He makes bread and lots of sweet goodies to eat."

Second kid says, "My daddy's a banker. That's b-a-n-k-e-r. He makes lots of money, buys us lots of toys."

Next kid says, "My daddy's an electrician. That's e-l-a-k...uh, e-l-e-x...uh...."

Teacher interrupts, saying, "That's okay, Rayford. Think about it and we'll come back to you." Turning to Little Johnny, she says, "You're next, Johnny."

Little Johnny says, "My daddy's a bookie. That's b-o-o-k-i-e, and I'll lay you odds ten to one Rayford don't ever spell electrician."

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Joke # 7

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.

When returning to her car she found that she had locked her keys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter, she didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do.

The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door".

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "Great, God. This is what you sent to help me????" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help.

She said "Yes, my daughter is very sick......I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car, I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car."

He said, "SURE". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "THANK YOU SO MUCH..... You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud.....

"THANK YOU, GOD, FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL."

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Joke # 8

Q: Who's richer the butcher, the baker, or the candlestick maker?
A: The baker, because he has lots of dough.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Ship Movie

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/04/ship-movie.html

A nun and a priest in the desert

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/04/nun-and-priest-in-desert.html

Japan Earthquake

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/04/japan-earthquake.html

Motivational Posters 20

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/04/motivational-posters-20.html

Curious Photos

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/03/curious-photos.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Rubber Burner Zimbabwe

http://bit.ly/d1yvPv

Human Domino

http://bit.ly/bDkfoe

Snowboarder

http://bit.ly/aJ3fQJ

Boxing Fan Cat

http://bit.ly/aeSgck

Nissan Commercial - Washing Car

http://bit.ly/bnRj81


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Jokes for Tuesday 27th January 2015

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Reverse Grafitti

http://on.fb.me/1893zsa

Shortest horror story

http://on.fb.me/1893xAl

William Shakespeare #Quote

http://on.fb.me/1893xAr

Being normal

http://on.fb.me/1893zIF

Fellatio

http://on.fb.me/1893zZ3

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Joke # 1

Good friends




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Joke # 2

A cynic is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

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Joke # 3

The boss was very exasperated with his new, blonde, secretary. She ignored the telephone when it rang.

You must answer the telephone! he told her irritably.

All right, she replied, "but it seems so silly.

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Joke # 4

Q: What kind of table has no legs.
A: A multiplication table.

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Joke # 5

As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.

The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.

Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"

The Custodian looked at him gravely. "We trust them with the children, don't we?"

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Joke # 6

Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.

I think so, too, said Mabel. "Let's go!"

They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.

They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.

I guess we can go home now, Mabel, she said. "This is where we came in."

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Joke # 7

'Love Terms' explained

ATTRACTION
The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT
What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING
The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL
Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.

EASY
A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

FRIEND
A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

NYMPHOMANIAC
A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

FRIGID
A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

SOBER
A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG
A man's term for a woman who wants more from her life with him than just intercourse

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Joke # 8

Q: What kind of band can't play music?
A: A rubber band.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

A Road Through Snow Canyon Mountains of Japan

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/04/road-through-snow-canyon-mountains-of.html

Elizabeth Taylor Quotes

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/04/elizabeth-taylor-quotes.html

Elderly Biker

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/04/elderly-biker.html

Motivational Posters 21

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/04/motivational-posters-21.html

Effect of alcoholic drinks on the body

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/04/effect-of-alcoholic-drinks-on-body.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Wanda For President

http://bit.ly/aTVkXA

Van Crash

http://bit.ly/dBuZvf

Fake Boobs

http://bit.ly/b9dDg8

Xmas Lights #3

http://bit.ly/bwQYS7

Tango Football

http://bit.ly/9WnAVt


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Who wants coffee



Jokes for Monday 26th January 2015

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Tom Clancy #Quote

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John Cleese

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Love has no limits

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Men with a helmet

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Real Men

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Joke # 1

This summarizes my love life




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Joke # 2

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

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Joke # 3

Two new convicts were assigned to a two-man jail cell. After being locked in, one asked the other, "How long you in for?"

Fifty years.

I'm in for sixty, you better take the bed by the door.

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Joke # 4

Q: What does the winner of the race lose?
A: His breath.

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Joke # 5

A lady who was speeding had an officer pulled her to the side of the road.

She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.

After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"

Yes, I do, officer, she replied.

Well, asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"

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Joke # 6

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.

'I don't need to,' the boy replied.

'Of course, you do,' his mother insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'

'That's at our house,' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'

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Joke # 7

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

I'm recently widowed, she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

Not to worry, Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

Yes, I do.

Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and visit with her?

Yes, I have to admit that I did.

Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?

Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!

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Joke # 8

Q: What did the pencil say to the paper?
A: I dot my i's on you!

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

What is A Bucket Seat?

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/04/what-is-bucket-seat.html

What Teachers Say and What They Mean

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/04/what-teachers-say-and-what-they-mean.html

Motivational Posters 23

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/04/motivational-posters-23.html

Semper Fi

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/04/semper-fi.html

Motivational Posters 22

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/04/motivational-posters-22.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Smartest Man in the World

http://bit.ly/9gyoYP

Model B29

http://bit.ly/9d6uO0

Bad Landing

http://bit.ly/aPVtVZ

Lighthouses

http://bit.ly/9hUl6U

Chapati Throwing

http://bit.ly/nTR89m


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Who the fuck turned on the light