Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Jokes for Wednesday 20th August 2014

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SydesJokes Home Page (Site now an archive no longer updated)
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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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George Carlin #Quote

http://on.fb.me/1ihjpC7

You can't control everything

http://on.fb.me/1sb0fDz

Dear sleep

http://on.fb.me/1sb0fU7

Bored

http://on.fb.me/1sb0cYy

You may be cool

http://on.fb.me/1sb0deX

Check more on Facebook --> http://SydesJokes.com/Facebook

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Joke # 1

Laughing for 15 minutes




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Joke # 2

Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

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Joke # 3

Part of her job as a public-health nurse was teaching new parents-to-be how to care for their infants. As she was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young daddy-to-be turned to her and said, "Do you mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?"

"Yes," she replied, "That is a good analogy."

"I don't know how to make egg rolls," a mom-to-be said anxiously. "Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"

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Joke # 4

Q: What would you call a humorous knee?
A: Fun-ny!

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Joke # 5

One woman says to another, "I can't understand why you haven't gone to see that new gynecologist yet!"

"My gynecologist is fine. I don't need to change."

"But the new one's so young and handsome, while your gynecologist is so old!"

The other woman replies with a smile, "Yeah, I know. His hands shake all the time!"

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Joke # 6

Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:

"I think everyone's asleep, let's go."

"This one's empty... no-ones looking... you go in first."

"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down!"

"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on."

Sniff, sniff," Ah perfume - you think of everything!"

"This is great....." (long sigh!)

Static on the loud speaker, then a new voice: "This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."

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Joke # 7

A Mexican man becomes an instant millionaire after winning the lottery. With his newfound wealth, he decides on exactly what he will buy. He buys a 20-acre plot of land in Mexico and hires an architect. "I want mi casa to be built right there, with big columns in front, and a marble foyer, and at the end of the hallway, I want a halo statue."

The architect, excited about making megabucks off this man, jots down exactly what the Mexican wants. "I'll do it señor, I'll make this a fine house for you!"

All the plans are made and the architect starts constr- uction. He searches six different countries to find exquisite columns for the front of the house and has marble shipped in from France to line the foyer.

The only problem he has is that he cannot locate a halo statue. Knowing that religious symbols are important to many Mexicans, most of whom are Catholic, he continues to search high and low, month after month.

The house is finally complete, but alas, the architect was never able to locate a halo statue.

Swallowing his pride for not being able to complete the order, he takes the Mexican to see his new home. "Si Señor!" exclaims the Mexican. "You got da columns in front of mi casa!" The architect smiles.

They enter the house and the Mexican notices the marble floor. "Wonderful! I love mi new marble floor, Señor!" states the Mexican as he wanders down the hall.

He reaches the end of the hall and looks puzzled. "Señor? Where is my halo statue?" asks the Mexican.

"Well, sir, I'm afraid to have to tell you this, but I searched high and low and just could not for the life of me figure out what a halo statue is, much less find one for you anywhere," says the architect, hanging his head in shame.

"What? You don't know what a halo statue is?"

"No, sir, I'm sorry, I do not know," replies the architect.

"You know," says the Mexican, "it's that thing that goes 'ringy dingy' and you pick it up and say, 'Halo? statue?'"

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Joke # 8

Q: What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?
A: An onion

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Sign Language

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/02/sign-language.html

Overkill

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/02/overkill.html

Coffee

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/02/coffee.html

Roads

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/02/roads.html

Simple Sentence 27

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/02/simple-sentence-27.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Bad Santa

http://bit.ly/9uVsCZ

Santa claus is missing

http://bit.ly/aCZbVf

Smoking Is Dangerous

http://bit.ly/9kRFzg

Swan Lake

http://bit.ly/d8jGDq

Xmas Lights #6

http://bit.ly/bEtDlx


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Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Trying to get rich by playing the lottery

Jokes for Tuesday 19th August 2014

SydesJokes Blog
http://SydesJokes.blogspot.com/

SydesJokes Facebook Page
http://SydesJokes.com/Facebook

SydesJokes Twitter
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SydesJokes Flickr Photostream
http://flickr.com/photos/SydesJokes/

SydesJokes Home Page (Site now an archive no longer updated)
http://www.SydesJokes.com/index2.html

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

Please Like the posts and leave your comments.

You only live once

http://on.fb.me/1kGa8ry

We are one

http://on.fb.me/1kGabDR

Street Art

http://on.fb.me/1ihjoOB

I am who I am

http://on.fb.me/1ihjmpS

Common Sense

http://on.fb.me/1ihjmq9

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Joke # 1

Pope Francis Quote




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Joke # 2

DIVORCE.BAT found....deleting C:\MARRIAGE\SPOUSE.

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Joke # 3

Over drinks one evening two gentleman were having a discussion about the charms, or lack there-of of the actress Sharon Stone. "I say she's highly over-rated," said one "Take away her eyes, her lips, her legs and her figure, and what have ya got?

"My wife!" said the other with a heavy sigh.

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Joke # 4

Q: Why did the news reporter go to the ice cream parlor?
A: Because she wanted to get a good scoop.

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Joke # 5

Two Indian doctors working in an American hospital were having an animated discussion.

"I say it's spelt W-R-R-O-O-M," said one.

"No, it is W-O-O-M-B," said the other.

A nurse passing by said, "Excuse me, you are both wrong. It is spelled W-O-M-B."

"Thanks nurse," said one, "but we prefer to settle this argument ourselves. Besides, we don't think you are in a position to describe the sound of an elephant farting underwater."

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Joke # 6

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

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Joke # 7

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, and sees a big sign on the door that says, "NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"

Thinking this is a bit strange, he enters and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, looks him over and says, "You smell some kind of nerdy, What do you do for a living?"

"I drives a truck. The smell is just from the computers I'm hauling."

"OK, truck drivers ain't nerds."

As the driver is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with at least twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that's at least a foot too long. Without saying a word, the bartender pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him, "Why did you do that?"

"Don't worry. Nerds are in season because they are over populating this whole Silicon Valley. And hey, you don't even need a license."

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, as he veers to avoid an accident the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are all engineers, accountants and programmers.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts to load. Just then a Highway Patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of his cruiser screaming, "STOP!!! STOP!!!"

"What's wrong officer? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure ... but you can't BAIT 'EM!!"

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Joke # 8

Q: Why did the TV cross the road?
A: Because it wanted to be a flat screen.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Karma

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/02/karma.html

Not Fat

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/02/not-fat.html

Reservoir Cocks

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/02/reservoir-cocks.html

Trust

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/02/trust.html

Bottomless Pit

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/02/bottomless-pit.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Rider Pakistan

http://bit.ly/cVrevu

Strip Poker

http://bit.ly/9wUN0T

Flying Mercedes

http://bit.ly/atIhNW

Spring Board

http://bit.ly/bq9y1H

Crazy Cow

http://bit.ly/a0Oykd


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Monday, August 18, 2014

Jokes for Monday 18th August 2014

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SydesJokes Home Page (Site now an archive no longer updated)
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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Your heart

http://on.fb.me/1kG9Yk4

There are two signs of aging

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Bob Marley

http://on.fb.me/1kG9Ykf

Bacon Sandwich

http://on.fb.me/1kGa7UG

Your past

http://on.fb.me/1kGabnt

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Joke # 1

Politically Correct




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Joke # 2

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

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Joke # 3

Gail, the attractive secretary was inclined to brag way too much about her "dates" to suit the other women in the office.

One day, she was going on and on about a Texan who had treated her like a Queen all evening and at the end of the date, gave her 2 hundred dollar bills for "cab fare".

"Imagine that." came a voice from the other side of the filing cabinets, "A hundred-and-eighty dollar tip."

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Joke # 4

Q: When do you go on red and stop on green?
A: When you are eating a watermelon.

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Joke # 5

An efficiency expert, called into a company to find out why they were losing money, stopped one man and asked him what he did.

"Nothing," said the employee.

The expert turned to another man standing nearby and asked him what he did.

"Nothing," was his reply.

"Oh," said the efficiency expert, "too much duplication."

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Joke # 6

The high school basketball coach had landed a job as head coach at a prestigious university. Thrilled about his new position, he was sure national fame and recognition would soon follow.

One morning, his wife called to him from downstairs. "Honey, you have a phone call," she said. "It's Sports Illustrated."

"This is it!" he thought to himself. "My big break!"

He practically fell in his rush down the stairs getting to the phone.

He picked up the receiver.

"Hello," the voice said. "This is Ron from Sports Illustrated. Now, for only 75 cents an issue..."

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Joke # 7

Billy Bob goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, and isn't fully convinced, but as usual, the store assistant comes along and closes the deal.

On his way home, Billy Bob puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo! He sees everyone in the street naked. He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on... everyone is naked! "Cool!"

As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and the postman, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked. Billy Bob then says, "Damn, I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're already broken!"

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Joke # 8

Q: Why should you never tell a secret in a corn field?
A: Because there are too many ears.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Snow Sculptures 1

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/02/snow-sculptures-1.html

Balloons 2

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/02/balloons-2.html

Balloons 1

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/02/balloons-1.html

Eye Contact

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/02/eye-contact.html

Don't Notice

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/02/dont-notice.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Well Behaved Tyre

http://bit.ly/ac1J17

Dog and Deer

http://bit.ly/9BXf9T

Budweiser - Blind Date

http://bit.ly/8ZRptl

Table Tennis

http://bit.ly/aDmf8t

Marry Me

http://bit.ly/cUuWoK


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