Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Jokes for Tuesday 29th July 2014

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SydesJokes Home Page (Site now an archive no longer updated)
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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

Please Like the posts and leave your comments.

Old Saying - New Saying

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=639763416056224

Taylor Swift Quote

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=639922796040286

The tree was there first

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=640031192696113

Throwing in the towel

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=640200316012534

Totally Worth It

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=640354685997097

Check more on Facebook --> http://SydesJokes.com/Facebook

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Joke # 1

45 Years Old




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Joke # 2

An Englishman shot himself in the groin recently after drinking fifteen pints of beer and stuffing a sawed-off shotgun down his pants. Apparently, the man was under the impression the gun wasn't fully cocked. Now he isn't, either.

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Joke # 3

One day, a boy and his dog greeted the mailman. The mailman said to the boy, "Does your dog bite?

"No," replied the boy.

Just then, the dog bit the mailman.

"Hey, "he yelled. "I thought your dog doesn't bite!"

"He doesn't," replied the boy, "but that's not my dog."

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Joke # 4

Q: What kind of band can’t play music?
A: A rubber band.

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Joke # 5

A police car pulls up in front of grandma's house, and grandpa gets out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.

"What!", says grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! How could you get lost?"

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, Grandpa whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."

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Joke # 6

The high school principal has each teacher report class attendance over the intercom. The instructor must state the number of students present by gender, for example, "I have fourteen boys and thirteen girls in attendance."

One day our principal was more than a little miffed at having to remind several teachers of the correct procedure.

He was apparently somewhat forgetful, too, when he checked on the girls' physical education instructor. "I have twenty-seven pupils present, sir," she announced.

"Lady," he replied, shouting through the intercom, "I need sex!"

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Joke # 7

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theater where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally the time came.

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

He asked. "No!" the director screamed, "You forgot the bloody rose!"

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Joke # 8

Q: What’s 182 feet tall and made out of pepperoni and cheese?
A: The leaning tower of Pizza.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Auto-Correct

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/03/auto-correct.html

Intelligence

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/03/intelligence.html

Feet

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/03/feet.html

Cooking Sucks

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/03/cooking-sucks.html

Coffee

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/03/coffee.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Take My Drunk Ass Home

http://bit.ly/aDkHUY

The Easter Bunny

http://bit.ly/ckf4RP

Redneck Sky Diver

http://bit.ly/9bEa5U

Walls Sausages

http://bit.ly/bIAIiq

Skeleton Puppeteer

http://bit.ly/c5ytMQ

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Monday, July 28, 2014

Jokes for Monday 28th July 2014

SydesJokes Blog
http://SydesJokes.blogspot.com/

SydesJokes Facebook Page
http://SydesJokes.com/Facebook

SydesJokes Twitter
http://twitter.com/SydesJokes

SydesJokes Flickr Photostream
http://flickr.com/photos/SydesJokes/

SydesJokes Home Page (Site now an archive no longer updated)
http://www.SydesJokes.com/index2.html

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

Please Like the posts and leave your comments.

Evian Water

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=639219206110645

Ignoranus

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=639432816089284

In a London park

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=639505982748634

Jimmy Carter Quote

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=639594646073101

Dear Monday

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=639599616072604

Check more on Facebook --> http://SydesJokes.com/Facebook

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Joke # 1

Any day I don't see or hear anyone




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Joke # 2

Bob Dylan announced he will have a weekly music show on a satellite-radio station. It'll be an hour show, followed by another show that translates what Dylan said in the first hour.

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Joke # 3

Teacher: "Andrew, what is a cannibal?"

Andrew: "Don't know."

Teacher: "Well, if you ate your father and mother, what would you be?"

Andrew: "An orphan, ma'am."

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Joke # 4

Q: What did the pencil say to the paper?
A: I dot my i’s on you!

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Joke # 5

An old G.P. and his nurse were on the train, going to a Medical Conference. Opposite them was a man furiously scratching his elbow.

"I wonder what's the matter with him?" asked the nurse.

"He's a patient of mine and, in confidence, I can tell you that he suffers badly from hemorrhoids," replied the G.P.

"Well, why he's scratching his elbow?" asked the puzzled nurse.

"Oh, he's Obama , and he doesn't know his arse from his elbow."

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Joke # 6

A man called 911 and said, "Someone come quick! My wife fell asleep on the couch with her mouth open and a mouse ran down her throat!"

The operator replied, "Calm down, sir. Wave a piece of cheese over her mouth and maybe the mouse will come out. An ambulance is on the way."

When the ambulance arrived, the EMT found the man waving a fish over his wife's mouth.

"What on earth are you doing?" exclaimed the EMT. "Didn't the 911 operator tell you to wave a piece of cheese over your wife's mouth?"

"Yes," the man replied. "But I gotta get the cat out first."

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Joke # 7

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila. So he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted. The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly."

She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila.

Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.

The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife, "Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila."

His wife gets the glass from the cupbo and sets it on the table. The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"

Pancho raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, Mi Amor, you drink from the bottle."

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Joke # 8

Q: What kind of table has no legs.
A: A multiplication table.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Viagra and Laxative

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/03/viagra-and-laxative.html

Lead Me Not Into Temptation

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/03/lead-me-not-into-temptation.html

Just Because

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/03/just-because_19.html

If Your Ass Looked Like This

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/03/if-your-ass-looked-like-this.html

Enemy

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/03/enemy.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Viagra

http://bit.ly/bDNsDF

Read Before You Sign

http://bit.ly/dtd5gE

Beer Don't Waste A Drop

http://bit.ly/beWdYr

Woodpecker

http://bit.ly/d4aIL1

Insurance

http://bit.ly/dc23YK

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Sunday, July 27, 2014

Jokes for Sunday 27th July 2014

SydesJokes Blog
http://SydesJokes.blogspot.com/

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http://SydesJokes.com/Facebook

SydesJokes Twitter
http://twitter.com/SydesJokes

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http://flickr.com/photos/SydesJokes/

SydesJokes Home Page (Site now an archive no longer updated)
http://www.SydesJokes.com/index2.html

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

Please Like the posts and leave your comments.

Navy divers being navy divers

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=637649802934252

Bully

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=638940299471869

Butter spreader

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=638996662799566

Anger Management

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=639053352793897

Camo Condom

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=639126762786556

Check more on Facebook --> http://SydesJokes.com/Facebook

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Joke # 1

Men In The Baby Food Department




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Joke # 2

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

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Joke # 3

A man picked up the phone and dialed. When a voice answered, he asked, "Mother, how are you?"

"Fine."

"Sorry, I have the wrong number."

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Joke # 4

Q: What do envelopes say when you lick them?
A: Nothing, it shuts them up!

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Joke # 5

The young mother was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I am going to give you a prescription for some tranquillizers that I want you to start taking regularly."

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down any?"

"Oh, yes" the mother answered. "They do wonders for me."

"And how is your son now?" he asked.

She replied, "Who cares ..."

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Joke # 6

A Scotsman went into a phone booth and called a number. Connected, he said, "Mary, my love, will you marry me? Think it over and call me." He gave her the number of the phone in the booth.

Hours went by and the Scotsman stood around. The phone didn't ring once. Another Scot, watching from a pub across the street, came over and said, "Look, lad. She won't marry you. You might as well come in and have a pint. Not that I'm buying, mind you."

The waiting Scot waved off his friend and continued to wait. Suddenly the phone rang. The Scot said, "Mary's the girl for me, I knew that. She was waiting for the night rates!"

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Joke # 7

Back in the Cold War days, Ivan was a diplomat and spy. He was new to the USA and lived in Washington, D.C. for past six months. He soon complained to Boris, his aide, that he needed a woman. Boris dropped off a high-priced hooker at his door the following Saturday night. Ivan plied her with some vodka and caviar. As she took her top, he noticed that her armpits were shaved. He said, pointing top his own pits, "Vomen in the old country have wool - they have wool!"

She responded, "It's customary and fashionable to shave our underarms." They drank more vodka and ate more caviar. She removed her slacks. He noticed that her legs are shaved also. He repeated, "Vomen in the old country have wool - they have wool!"

Once more, she said, "It's customary and fashionable to shave our legs." After more vodka and caviar, he pulled down her panties and saw that her privates were trimmed. He exclaimed again, "Vomen in the old countryhave wool - they have wool!"

She then asked in loud voice, "Look buddy, did you want to screw or knit?"

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Joke # 8

Q: What does the winner of the race lose?
A: His breath.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Gas Prices

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/03/gas-prices.html

Men Are Like Pantie Hose

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/03/men-are-like-pantie-hose.html

Who Says

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/03/who-says.html

Well Behaved Women

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/03/well-behaved-women.html

The Viking World Tour

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/03/viking-world-tour.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

More Fishing With Bill Dance

http://bit.ly/bRLYTz

Magic Trick

http://bit.ly/cVRipl

Russian Chopper Accident

http://bit.ly/9Q3ulG

Santa's Crib

http://bit.ly/bSKVXZ

Irn Bru Snowman Advert

http://bit.ly/aHUe4A

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Saturday, July 26, 2014

I want to live my life without stress and worries



Jokes for Saturday 26th July 2014

SydesJokes Blog
http://SydesJokes.blogspot.com/

SydesJokes Facebook Page
http://SydesJokes.com/Facebook

SydesJokes Twitter
http://twitter.com/SydesJokes

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SydesJokes Home Page (Site now an archive no longer updated)
http://www.SydesJokes.com/index2.html

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

Please Like the posts and leave your comments.

Don't you just hate when your boss is riding you?

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=637029426329623

More accurate than any insurance commercial I’ve seen

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=637164922982740

Respect, Honesty, Trust and Loyalty

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=637208582978374

Sorry Timmy

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=637357009630198

Wake up with a good attitude

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=637453486287217

Check more on Facebook --> http://SydesJokes.com/Facebook

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Joke # 1

As you get older




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Joke # 2

Confucius says man and mouse alike. Both end up in pussy.

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Joke # 3

Waiter to diner: "Our special today is chicken on a bed of wild rice with green beans almandine and a nice side salad."

"That sounds great. How is your chicken prepared?"

"We break it to her very gently and tell her it's nothing personal."

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Joke # 4

Q: Does it take longer to run from 1st base to 2nd, or from 2nd to 3rd?
A: From 2nd to 3rd because there’s a shortstop in the middle.

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Joke # 5

Tips for Rednecks

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

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Joke # 6

A drunk is sitting in a bar. There is a very buxom blonde a few seats down from him with breasts size 44DD'S. A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them.

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off of her breasts.

This happens a couple more times. The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him! He's laying on the floor moaning and groaning.

"Why do you let the bartender do it?"

"Because he has a licker license!"

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Joke # 7

A preacher was on the program at a district convention to preach for twenty minutes. The other preachers from the district were sitting behind him in the choir section, giving him moral support and throwing in an occasional "Amen" to help the preacher along.

The preacher preached his twenty minutes and continued on despite the allotted time.

He preached for 30 minutes, then forty minutes and then for an hour. He even continued, for a whole hour and ten minutes.

Finally, a brother sitting in the front row took a song book and threw it at the preacher, who was still going strong with his message.

The preacher saw the songbook as it was hurled his way and he ducked. The songbook hit one of the preachers sitting in the choir section.

As the man in the choir section was going down, you could hear him say, "Hit me again, I can still hear him preaching!"

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Joke # 8

Q: There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn’t they get wet?
A: It wasn’t raining!

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Reality

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/03/reality.html

Love Poem

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/03/love-poem.html

Job Qualifications

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/03/job-qualifications.html

Idiot

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/03/idiot.html

Helping Hands

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/03/helping-hands.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Intervention Test - Triumph Boats

http://bit.ly/blpmiT

Macarena

http://bit.ly/caHs9X

Farting Carol

http://bit.ly/9hFYax

Marriage Proposal

http://bit.ly/bYwpYa

Rocket Birdman

http://bit.ly/b6C25L

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