Sunday, March 15, 2015

Jokes for Sunday 15th March 2015

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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You only live once

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We are one

http://on.fb.me/1kGabDR

Street Art

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I am who I am

http://on.fb.me/1ihjmpS

Common Sense

http://on.fb.me/1ihjmq9

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Joke # 1

The best way to strengthen your chold's immune system




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Joke # 2

Be ye fishers of men: You catch 'em, He'll clean 'em.

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Joke # 3

A mother found a condom in daughter's private chest. She faced the daughter in anger and asked the explanation.

Daughter asked back, "Mom, what do you expect me to do, be pregnant."

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Joke # 4

Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs that can swim across a pool?
A: Clever Dick

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Joke # 5

A little boy forgot his lines in a Sunday School presentation.

His mother, sitting in the front row to prompt him, gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it didn't help. Her son's memory was blank.

Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue, "I am the light of the world."

The child beamed and with great feeling and a loud, clear voice said, "My mother is the light of the world."

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Joke # 6

A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. He names the dog Einstein and trains Einstein to do a couple of tricks. He can't wait to show Einstein off to his neighbor. A few weeks later when the neighbor finally comes over, the guy calls Einstein into the house, bragging about how smart he is.

The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation. The guy points to the newspaper on the couch and commands "Fetch!" Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch and sits, his tail wagging furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears. He starts to frown and puts on a sour face. Looking up at his master, he whines, "You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy vey ... And you think it's easy eating that junk that you call designer dog food? Forget it ... it's too salty and it gives me gas. It's disgusting I tell you!"

The neighbor is absolutely amazed ... stunned. In astonishment, he says, "I can't believe it. Einstein can speak. Your dog actually talks. You asked him to fetch the newspaper and he is sitting on the sofa talking to us."

I know, I know, says the dog owner. "He's not yet fully trained. He thought I said kvetch."

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Joke # 7

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor.

The nurse walked in and walked over to the first man. "Congratulations sir! You're the father of twins!" she announced.

What a coincidence! the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"

The nurse returned a while later and approached the second man, "You sir, are the father of triplets!" she said.

Wow! That's also a coincidence! he replied. "I work for the 3M Corporation. Ha! A baby for each 'M'! Isn't that something?"

Half an hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time she turned to the third man who had been quitely sitting in the corner. "Congratulations, sir, you are now the father of quadruplets!" she said.

Stunned, the man could barely reply.

Don't tell me! Another coincidence? asked the nurse.

Yes, the man said after regaining his composure. "I can't believe it. I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"

A moment later there was a loud banging sound across the room. It was the fourth man banging his head against the wall.

The nurse rushed over to him. "What's the matter?" she asked.

The man groaned, "I should have never taken the job at 7-Eleven!"

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Joke # 8

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
A: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

A Texas Traffic Stop

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2010/12/texas-traffic-stop.html

Over 50,000 followers on Twitter now!

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2010/12/over-50000-followers-on-twitter-now.html

School Papers

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2010/12/school-papers.html

Attract a man with proper eye makeup

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2010/12/attract-man-with-proper-eye-makeup.html

U.S. Marine boot camp

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2010/12/us-marine-boot-camp.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Fired Up

http://bit.ly/cEo2Wu

Teach Italian

http://bit.ly/9E3S4P

Kangaroo

http://bit.ly/azr5I5

Jetfighter Midair Collision

http://bit.ly/coJhFV

60 Years of Television in 146 Seconds

http://bit.ly/ey0rvY


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Jokes for Saturday 14th March 2015

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Your heart

http://on.fb.me/1kG9Yk4

There are two signs of aging

http://on.fb.me/1kG9Yk9

Bob Marley

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Bacon Sandwich

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Your past

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Joke # 1

When I think about you




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Joke # 2

Beauty is only skin deep but stupid goes right to the bone.

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Joke # 3

A man was telling friends about his involvement with the local YMCA's Indian Guides and Indian Princesses programs. His Indian name was Walking Deer, he told them. Our daughter was Little Fawn, and our son, Running Deer.

One friend asked, "What's your wife's Indian name?"

Yes Deer.

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Joke # 4

Q: What's a hindu?
A: Lays eggs.

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Joke # 5

Approaching eighty-five years of age, Mrs. Harris finally decided it was time to give up her apartment in New York and move to Miami.

She was given the name of a Florida realtor, who enthusiastically drove her all over Miami, extolling the virtues of every apartment they looked at.

And this one, what a steal, he rhapsodized, "the investment of a lifetime. Why, in ten years it's gonna be worth three times . . ."

10 years? Sonny, interrupted Mrs. Harris, "at my age I don't even buy green bananas."

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Joke # 6

At a prestigious university there is a clear hierarchy that outlines how long one was to wait for a class to begin if the professor doesn't show up. A full professor is rated fifteen minutes; an associate only ten. A mere instructor was expected to be on time, if not early. This system worked only one way, however, and students were afforded no such grace.

It was to be expected, therefore, that one professor, the foremost authority in his field by his own admission, would register distinct annoyance when a student, just out of military service, was late for class for the third morning running.

Tell me, the professor began, "exactly what did they say in the Army when you sauntered in late like this?"

Well, mused the unperturbed young man, "first they saluted, and then they asked, 'How are you this morning, sir?'"

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Joke # 7

A very loud Texan Engineer was visiting Australia, and talking big about all of the large civil works in the USA that he was involved in. To be polite his Australian counterpart took him on a tour of some of Sydney’s larger constructions.

First he took him to Gladesville Bridge. The Texan exclaimed, "What’s that!" In reply the Australian said, "That's the Gladesville Bridge."

Hmmph said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?" The Australian replied, "About 5 years with 1000 men."

The Texan replied, "Well in Texas we would've done it in 2 years with 500 men."

Next they went to the Sydney Opera House. "What's that" said the Texan. "That's the Sydney Opera House" was the reply.

Hmmph said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?"

The Australian replied, "About 10 years with 200 men".

The Texan replied "Well in Texas we would've done it in 4 years with 200 men."

By this stage the Australian was a little put out by the Texan's attitude so he decided to get some revenge, they walked around the Sydney Opera House and as they did the Sydney Harbor Bridge came into view.

Immediately the Texan exclaimed, "Wow! What's that?"

The Australian Engineer replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."

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Joke # 8

Q: How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A: About two - if they're thinly sliced.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

The Doghouse

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2010/12/doghouse.html

Aussie Jingle Bells

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2010/12/aussie-jingle-bells.html

Rules for Bedroom Golf

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2010/12/rules-for-bedroom-golf.html

The BDSM 12 Days of Chrstmas

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2010/12/bdsm-12-days-of-chrstmas.html

A grandfather bought a hobby horse

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2010/12/grandfather-bought-hobby-horse.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Dancing In the Rain

http://bit.ly/aKcpxp

Best Belly Flop Ever

http://bit.ly/dddSZh

System of Down

http://bit.ly/aG1Fgn

Winter Tyres Advert

http://bit.ly/bXo6OI

Predator Priceless

http://bit.ly/aKZePf


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Jokes for Friday 13th March 2015

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Everything is about energy

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Drinking coffee out of a clear mug

http://on.fb.me/1kGa0bI

The Difference Between a Boss and a Leader

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Coffee Cup

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Nobody texts faster

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Joke # 1

A day without coffee




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Joke # 2

Don't honk your horn at the person in front of you, it is dangerous to wake up a sleepwalker.

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Joke # 3

The loaded mini-van pulled into the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.

A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."

The father replied, "I have a system -- no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

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Joke # 4

Q: What does a skeleton get when he goes to a bar?
A: A beer and a mop.

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Joke # 5

A family who had just moved into a new neighborhood was anxious to make a good impression. But the neighbors seemed cold and made no overtures of welcome.

The mother of the brood was overjoyed when finally her youngest son ran in and announced happily, "Mommy, the lady down the street asked my name today!"

Oh, how nice! exclaimed the mother enthusiastically. "And then what did she do?"

Then she gave it to the policeman. the boy said.

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Joke # 6

Three farmers are talking about their apple crop.

The first one says, "I grew an apple so big, when I put it on a chair, the chair broke."

The second one says, "I grew an even bigger apple. When I put it on a table, the table broke."

The third one says, "I grew a pretty big one, too. I put it in a wagon."

The first farmer asks, "Did it break?"

The farmer answers, "No, a worm got out of it and ate the horse!"

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Joke # 7

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

No, I stopped drinking years ago, the bum said.

Will you use it to gamble?

I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive.

Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?

Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."

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Joke # 8

Q: What do you call Maoris on Prozac?
A: Once were worriers.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Irn Bru Snowman Advert

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2010/12/irn-bru-snowman-advert.html

Twas The Night

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2010/12/twas-night.html

X Factor Finalists perform Heroes

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2010/12/x-factor-finalists-perform-heroes.html

Romantic Sleigh Ride

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2010/12/romantic-sleigh-ride.html

Happy Holidays

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2010/12/happy-holidays.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Piss Off Your Parents

http://bit.ly/9vDAK0

Ship Launchings

http://bit.ly/adGcmo

Dominos Pool Trick

http://bit.ly/9tx27z

Stupid Game Show Answers #2

http://bit.ly/c1WP4U

Pool Jump

http://bit.ly/9tRbco


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Jokes for Thursday 12th March 2015

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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The Perfect Friend

http://on.fb.me/1kG9qe0

If you wife or girlfriend ever ask

http://on.fb.me/1kG9oCS

Mistakes

http://on.fb.me/1kG9oTn

Your life is your message to the world

http://on.fb.me/1kG9r1z

7 years bad luck

http://on.fb.me/1kG9XN5

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Joke # 1

The best feeling in the world




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Joke # 2

My boss and I had a battle of wits but he ran out of ammunition.

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Joke # 3

Jack was first up in his foursome. Eyeing the ball, he swung his club and hooked his shot over the fence and down a road where the ball crashed through the windshield of an oncoming car. The startled driver lost control of his vehicle, and it smashed into three parked cars.

Jack raced over to the crash scene and was relieved to find that no one was hurt. Almost immediately a policeman arrived and spotted Jack standing next to the crashed car eyeing his ball. "Just what are you going to do about this?" demanded the policeman.

Jack looked up. "Well, the first thing I'm going to do is change my grip."

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Joke # 4

Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste!

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Joke # 5

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

I give it to them, replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

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Joke # 6

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.

I'm blessing it, the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue.

He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

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Joke # 7

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.

On the second day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.

On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

Okay, said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained.

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Joke # 8

Q: Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll that they're selling in stores now?
A: It comes with all of Ken's stuff.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Riddles about men

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2010/12/riddles-about-men.html

Knowing hands

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2010/12/knowing-hands.html

Why Men Can Pee Standing Up

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2010/12/why-men-can-pee-standing-up.html

Snow in Jamaica

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2010/12/snow-in-jamaica.html

Paradise

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2010/12/paradise.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Garbage Surprise

http://bit.ly/b3c9b1

Sand Art #9

http://bit.ly/alQHCd

Best Halloween Costume Ever

http://bit.ly/dB6LSF

Dr Horrible's Sing Along Act 3 / Part 1

http://bit.ly/ciz78S

Save Virgil - Part 2

http://bit.ly/bS2pIL


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Jokes for Wednesday 11th March 2015

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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F. Scott Fitzgerald #Quote

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Life is too short

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Morning wood

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Wine

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The First

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Joke # 1

Nose Ring




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Joke # 2

I know I'm really good in bed because women always ask me if there's any possible way I could make it last longer.

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Joke # 3

Little Johnny and his friend Sammy watched as portly Mrs. Overton stepped on the scale and plugged a coin in the slot. The scale stopped at thirty-eight pounds!

Unaware that it was broken, Little Johnny blurted out, "Oh my God, she's hollow!"

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Joke # 4

Q: Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A: Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.

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Joke # 5

When a customer slid into the barber chair, the barber asked him how he wanted his hair cut.

Make it short, the customer replied, "with a bare patch above my left ear, but longer on the right side so that it covers my right ear. I also want my left sideburn above my left ear and the right sideburn below my right ear."

The barber looked puzzled and said, "I don't think I can do that."

The customer replied, "I don't know why not--that's the way you cut it the last time I was here!"

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Joke # 6

Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in a while, so they decided to meet for lunch.

The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life. Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found.

He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!

He said 'will you marry me'? Marcy asked.

Heather replied, "No, he said 'put your money away'."

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Joke # 7

A couple had two little boys who were always getting into trouble. Their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their village, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that an elder in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her sons. The elder agreed, but asked to see them separately.

So, the mother sent her youngest son first, in the morning. The elder, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response. So the elder repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the wide-eyed boy made no attempt to answer.

The elder raised his voice and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into a closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him hiding, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing, and they think WE did it!"

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Joke # 8

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

The Phone Call

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2010/12/phone-call.html

Health Club

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2010/12/health-club.html

Veterinarian and Taxidermist

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2010/12/veterinarian-and-taxidermist.html

Insane Sandwiches

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2010/12/insane-sandwiches.html

M*A*S*H Built in a Backyard

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2010/12/mash-built-in-backyard.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Annoying Friend

http://bit.ly/bXJ2CZ

Pilot of the Century

http://bit.ly/chJ7HX

Damn Fine Horse

http://bit.ly/d8pdwQ

Reverse Bunji

http://bit.ly/axX838

Bangkok Train

http://bit.ly/admW7k


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