Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Note to self

Paulo Coelho #Quote

Never judge someone

Jokes for Wednesday 22nd October 2014

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Consider the following:

-> 95% of all diets and weight loss programs fail.
-> 8 out of 10 Americans over the age of 25 are overweight.
-> 174 million Americans are overweight or obese.
-> The worldwide number is expected to double by 2030.
-> 25.8 million children and adults in the United States (8.3% of the population) have diabetes.

Source: Centers for Disease Control.

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Joke # 1

Open box


Joke # 2

Remember to use ALL fingers when waving at a police officer.


Joke # 3

Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart.

"I suppose you're going to tell me now that you're waiting for 'Mr. Right'," he said dejectedly.

"That's a silly old romantic notion," laughed the coed. "I'm just waiting for Mr. Big."


Joke # 4

Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot.


Joke # 5

A blonde decided to buy an elaborate and expensive coffee and latte machine with all the latest gadgets, bells and whistles. Knowing her propensity for getting instructions mixed up, she got some first-hand instructions on how to use the machine.

The salesman carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in and set the timer so she could go to bed and the coffee would be ready when she got up.

A few weeks later, she returned to the store and the salesman asked, "How do you like the coffee machine?"

"It's wonderful! It's very easy to use and it makes excellent tasting coffee. But there's one thing that really bugs me and I don't quite understand." she replied.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"


Joke # 6

Little Johnny's teacher was asking all the kids in the class what their parents did for a living.

Little Mary got up and said "my Dad is a pilot, and my Mommy is an architect."

"Great," said the teacher.

Michael got up and said, " my Dad is a Doctor, and my Mom is a housewife."

"Good," said the teacher.

Johnny was last in the class and when he got up he said: "My Mommy, she is a substitute."

Knowing better about his background and always striving to correct the kids, the teacher said, "you mean she is a Prostitute."

"No," Said Johnny, "my Sister, she is the Prostitute, but when she does not feel well, my Mommy substitutes."


Joke # 7

You know how everything in Texas is bigger than anywhere else? Well, there was this Texan living in Bristol a while back. Huge fellow he was, had to duck under all but the highest of doorways, and often had to go through sideways. And he was always going on about how much bigger things were back home, used to really bore everyone senseless with his bragging.

Anyway, he died one day, and wound up in a mortuary where a friend of mine worked. Charlie was telling me about the trouble they had, trying to find a coffin big enough to plant him in. They looked everywhere, but there was nothing that even came close, and it would take time to have one specially made. "So what did you do?" I asked.

"Oh," said Charlie, "it was simple, really. We gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box."


Joke # 8

Q: What do you call a sheep with no head and legs?
A: A fuzz ball.


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