Sunday, February 22, 2015

Jokes for Saturday 21st February 2015

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Old Saying - New Saying

http://on.fb.me/1894pFg

Taylor Swift Quote

http://on.fb.me/1894s3P

The tree was there first

http://on.fb.me/1894sRn

Throwing in the towel

http://on.fb.me/1894sAO

Totally Worth It

http://on.fb.me/1894tom

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Joke # 1

The only disability in life




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Joke # 2

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist? To improve his bite...

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Joke # 3

The teacher was trying to impress upon her pupils the importance of doing right at all times, and to bring out the answer, "Bad habits," she inquired: "What is it that we find so easy to get into and so hard to get out of?"

There was silence for a moment and then one little fellow answered. "Bed".

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Joke # 4

Q: What is a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister!

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Joke # 5

Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.

So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"

Well, says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."

What if he has an erection? asks one of the women.

Honey, says Sophie, "Who on Earth wants to do laundry on a day like that?"

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Joke # 6

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. “I’m the greatest hitter in the world,” he announced.

Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

Strike One! he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I’m the greatest hitter in the world!"

He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I’m the greatest hitter in the world!"

Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"

Wow! he exclaimed. "I’m also the greatest pitcher in the world!"

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Joke # 7

Things Not To Say While Visiting A Foreign Country

IRELAND
Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black did a leprechaun crap in it?

FRANCE
Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren't the French just Germans who can make sauces?

ITALY
Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O's!

POLAND
Do you hire foreigners to screw in your light bulbs?

GERMANY
Is this bratwurst kosher?

KOREA
Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?

CHINA
This wall isn't so great.

SWEDEN
Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?

INDIA
You don't live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?

AMERICA
Was John Wayne gay?

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Joke # 8

Q: What kind of shoes do bannanas make?
A: Slippers!

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Volkswagen Assembly Plant

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/01/volkswagen-assembly-plant.html

Blown Train Engine

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/01/blown-train-engine.html

Amazing Alaska

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/01/amazing-alaska.html

Congressional Humor

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/01/congressional-humor.html

Social Media Addiction: Are You At Risk?

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/01/social-media-addiction-are-you-at-risk.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Summer Time Fun

http://bit.ly/9CoWp1

Wireless Headsets

http://bit.ly/cOcRvn

Night Fishing

http://bit.ly/bS0T0u

Sports Cars

http://bit.ly/bAhY2W

Golf Parrot

http://bit.ly/aNSpkZ


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Jokes for Friday 20th February 2015

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Evian Water

http://on.fb.me/1894oB7

Ignoranus

http://on.fb.me/1894qZF

In a London park

http://on.fb.me/1894qZU

Jimmy Carter Quote

http://on.fb.me/1894pox

Dear Monday

http://on.fb.me/1894rNe

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Joke # 1

Bill Gates Quote




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Joke # 2

"Middle age is when a narrow waist and a broad mind begin to change places."

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Joke # 3

Lucy was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self-pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me... the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Lucy. Some people don't even know you."

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Joke # 4

Q: Why couldn't the pirates play cards?
A: They were sitting on the deck!

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Joke # 5

Two men who haven't seen each other for many years meet on the street. One asks the other how things have been.

Wonderful, for a while, the other says. "I had it all: money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman. Then, one day, poof! It was all gone."

What a shame, the friend says. "What on Earth happened?"

Says the other man: "My wife found out."

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Joke # 6

Jodi, a blonde, was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Jodi -- the Blonde."

Jodi then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. Jodi opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

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Joke # 7

A CEO of a large company is seeking advice on whether or not to downsize his company. He turns to his eternally optimistic secretary and asks, "Is this glass half full or half empty?"

Well you know me, she replies, "be thankful for what you have. It's half full!"

He then turns to his eternally pessimistic accountant. "Well, is it half full, or half empty?"

He repeats."Sir, you know my stance. There can always be more... It's half empty to me."

He then turns to the re-engineering consultant sitting next to him. "Well, you can see my dilemma. What do you think?"

The consultant looks at the half full glass of water, and then looks up at the CEO.

Well, looks like you've got more glass there than you need.

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Joke # 8

Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An impasta

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Highest Bridge

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/01/highest-bridge.html

GoViral - Please click the clip

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/01/goviral-please-click-clip.html

Classic Rock

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/01/classic-rock.html

New Zealand Hooker

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/01/new-zealand-hooker.html

Canyonlands, National Park, Utah

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/01/canyonlands-national-park-utah.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

The Future of Shopping

http://bit.ly/d6AW1Y

No Place Like Home

http://bit.ly/8YUemn

Amazing Ski Jump

http://bit.ly/ccfFWr

Train Snow Plow

http://bit.ly/bMd0Ol

Cat With A Bad Attitude

http://bit.ly/cKJx45


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Jokes for Thursday 19th February 2015

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Navy divers being navy divers

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Bully

http://on.fb.me/1894nNA

Butter spreader

http://on.fb.me/1894qc5

Anger Management

http://on.fb.me/1894o4f

Camo Condom

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Joke # 1

You will never know your limits




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Joke # 2

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

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Joke # 3

A guy came home to his wife and said, "Guess what? I've found a great job. A 10 a.m. start, 2 p.m. finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!"

That's great, his wife said.

Yeah, I thought so too, he agreed. "You start Monday."

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Joke # 4

Q: What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?
A: An onion

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Joke # 5

Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket hitting into the furniture as he weaved his way through the house, that he woke up the missus.

What on earth are you doing down there? she yelled down from the bedroom. "Get yourself up here to bed and don't waken the neighbours."

I'm trying to get a barrel of Guinness up the stairs he shouted.

Leave it 'till the morning she shouted down

I can't he said "I've drank it!"

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Joke # 6

A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to carpool.

On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently.

What are you doing? the priest asks.

The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service."

Good idea! Be right back! the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car.

The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says.

I'm consecrating it with holy water, the priest replies.

Great idea! the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's toolshed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe.

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Joke # 7

A young man was hitchhiking down south and a farmer driving an old pickup truck stopped to give him a lift.         

As they were driving, the farmer started bragging about how good the local moonshine whiskey was. The young man told the farmer that he didn’t drink very much, and that moonshine would probably be too strong for his tastes.

“Nonsense!” said the farmer. “You gotta try some.” He fished around behind him and finally produced a small jug. “Here,” he said, handing the jar to the lad. “Take a drink!”

“Oh, no thanks,” said the young man. “I really don’t think I care for any.”

“No, I insist,” pressed the farmer. “Have some.”

“No, thanks — really,” said the young man.

The farmer wasn’t going to take no for an answer. He stopped the truck and grabbed his shotgun from the rack in back. He pointed the gun at the lad and roared, “I said, take a drink!”

“Okay! Okay!” said the young man. He took a few swallows and instantly realized just how powerful the stuff was. His throat muscles tightened, his eyes watered, and he made a choking sound.

“What do you think of it?” asked the farmer. “Good, ain’t it?”

“Yeah,” gasped the lad, afraid he would be forced to drink more if he disagreed, “I guess so.”

Then the farmer handed the young man the shotgun and grinned. “Here! Now, you hold the gun on me and make me drink some!”   

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Joke # 8

Q: What kind of jam can you not eat?
A: A traffic jam.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

TRD (Tobacco Related Deaths)

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/trd-tobacco-related-deaths.html

Hand Sanitizer

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/hand-sanitizer.html

Norway

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/norway.html

Say it with Flowers

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/01/say-it-with-flowers.html

Beer Bottle Chandelier

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/01/beer-bottle-chandelier.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Loading A Bobcat Texas Style

http://bit.ly/bkehaT

Street Interview

http://bit.ly/b3hhiV

Differenace Between Men and Women

http://bit.ly/duB6rw

Budweiser - Licking Beer

http://bit.ly/8YibzC

Mexican Swat Teams #3

http://bit.ly/bYaHVJ


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Jokes for Wednesday 18th February 2015

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Don't you just hate when your boss is riding you?

http://on.fb.me/1894jNQ

More accurate than any insurance commercial I’ve seen

http://on.fb.me/1894k4f

Respect, Honesty, Trust and Loyalty

http://on.fb.me/1894k4q

Sorry Timmy

http://on.fb.me/1894mt1

Wake up with a good attitude

http://on.fb.me/1894mJx

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Joke # 1

Wine enthusiast




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Joke # 2

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill.

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Joke # 3

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

I see, nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

For God's sake, NO! exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

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Joke # 4

Q: Why did the TV cross the road?
A: Because it wanted to be a flat screen.

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Joke # 5

A 13-year-old boy, was sick in bed with bronchitis, and although he showed some general improvement, his harsh cough persisted and could be heard all over the house.

Worried that he was missing so much school, his mother went into his room to see how he felt.

There he was, propped up in bed, earphones on, listening to a baseball game, while the tape recorder coughed on and on.

The next morning he was in school.

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Joke # 6

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

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Joke # 7

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either of them died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the world beyond exactly 30 days after their death.

Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.

At the séance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."

Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"

It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time.

What do you do all day? asked Martha.

Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m.

Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"

Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha.

Well, then, where are you?

I'm a rabbit in Arizona.

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Joke # 8

Q: What would you call a humorous knee?
A: Fun-ny!

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Girls Mast

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/girls-mast.html

Petrodollar

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/petrodollar.html

Southerners' Enjoyment of Snow Over Time

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/southerners-enjoyment-of-snow-over-time.html

Might Get Lucky

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/might-get-lucky.html

Perception Test

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/perception-test.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Eddie Izzard - Brit vs US Movies

http://bit.ly/aEzRAv

Condom Bubble Gum

http://bit.ly/9b91UH

Recovery Service

http://bit.ly/a6t1cQ

United States Border Control

http://bit.ly/ccNemO

Smart Arse Gym Teacher

http://bit.ly/asOhok


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Jokes for Tuesday 17th February 2015

SydesJokes Blog
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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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FAT - FIT

http://on.fb.me/1894hWj

Home

http://on.fb.me/1894kRT

The difference between dogs and cats

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Joke # 1

I am not be perfect




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Joke # 2

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

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Joke # 3

A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"

The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"

The person says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."

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Joke # 4

Q: Why should you never tell a secret in a corn field?
A: Because there are too many ears.

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Joke # 5

There are three guys in a boat with four cigarettes. They have no matches or anything and were trying to come up with a way to smoke their cigarettes.

I got it! said the one guy as he threw one of his cigarettes overboard.

Why did you do that? yelled his buddy.

To which he replied, "To make the boat a little lighter."

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Joke # 6

You Know You're Growing Old When

* You've come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.

* The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car - in the "ten items or less" lane.

* You've found yourself discussing the weather.

* You remember your kid's names, just not always the right one.

* You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.

* You buy "age-defying" makeup and "anti-wrinkle" creams and believe they work.

* You've realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.

* Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely.

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Joke # 7

Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" Each of the men orders a martini.

In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis, shaken, not stirred and says, "That's 10 cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced and the tab is 40 cents.

The men pay, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

One of them asks, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer ... it's all the same price.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida . They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price. Plus they all have coupons."

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Joke # 8

Q: Why did the news reporter go to the ice cream parlor?
A: Because she wanted to get a good scoop.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Queensland Floods

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/queensland-floods.html

Tired of the Snow

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/tired-of-snow.html

Towel Holder

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/towel-holder.html

Publicity Art

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/publicity-art.html

Small Gift

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/02/small-gift.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Sensodyne

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Perfect Family

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Animal Thieves

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The Best CV Ever

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One Wish

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