Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Jokes for Tuesday 19th May 2015

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Successful people keep moving on

http://on.fb.me/12HWBdy

Two things define you

http://on.fb.me/12HWDCd

To Succeed

http://on.fb.me/12HWBdI

What an ass

http://on.fb.me/12HWDSF

Whatever you do

http://on.fb.me/12HWDSQ

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Joke # 1

I do not consider my dog a pet




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Joke # 2

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

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Joke # 3

A bear walked into a bar, slapped a $50.00 bill on the bar and ordered a beer. The bartender looked at the $50 bill, then at the bear and said; "I'll be back in a minute."

He went to his manager and stated what had just occurred. The manager told him to go back to the bar, give the bear a beer, $.50 change and strike up a conversation.

The bartender drew a beer, placed it on the bar, took the $50 bill, tossed fifty cents on the bar and said; "You know we don't get many bears in here". The bear looked at the 50 cents, then at the beer, then said to the bartender; "$49.50 for a beer I can see why!"

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Joke # 4

Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.

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Joke # 5

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness Monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. It then opened its mouth waiting below to swallow them both.

As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in midair a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

God, come on, give me a break! the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!"

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Joke # 6

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little kids entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.

The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests co-operated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

After going all the way around the room, the children left. As they disappeared out of sight, there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "See I told you, it is "vanishing" cream!" During a dinner party, the hosts' two little kids entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.

The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests co-operated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

After going all the way around the room, the children left. As they disappeared out of sight, there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "See I told you, it is "vanishing" cream!"

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Joke # 7

Tips with English Grammer

1. Don't abbrev.

2. Check to see if you any words out.

3. Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.

4. About sentence fragments.

5. When dangling, don't use participles.

6. Don't use no double negatives.

7. Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.

8. Just between You and i, case is important.

9. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.

10. Don't use commas, that aren't necessary.

11. Its important to use apostrophe's right.

12. It's better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive.

13. Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without an object.

14. Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized. also a sentence should.

15. begin with a capital and end with a period

16. Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-word phrase.

17. In letters compositions reports and things like that we use commas

18. to keep a string of items apart.

19. Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into our language.

20. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

21. Avoid unnecessary redundancy.

22. A writer mustn't shift your point of view.

23. Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to punctuate it.

24. A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence with.

25. Avoid clich├ęs like the plague.

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Joke # 8

Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Optimus Prime made from car parts in Thailand

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2015/05/optimus-prime-made-from-car-parts-in.html

Put politicians on minimum age

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2015/05/put-politicians-on-minimum-age.html

Who wants coffee

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2015/01/who-wants-coffee.html

Who the fuck turned on the light

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2015/01/who-fuck-turned-on-light.html

When writing the story of your life

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2015/01/when-writing-story-of-your-life.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

How To Lay A Pathway

http://bit.ly/ah3DYP

Perfect Husband

http://bit.ly/bzoUQx

Morecambe and Wise - Mastermind

http://bit.ly/aVBbe5

Parents Vs Kids

http://bit.ly/9YVjcc

Rally Crash

http://bit.ly/dvuzcw


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Monday, May 18, 2015

Jokes for Monday 18th May 2015

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Love means

http://on.fb.me/12HWA9G

Four great religious truths

http://on.fb.me/12HWy1p

Sex is NOT all I think about

http://on.fb.me/12HWAq4

Without Communication

http://on.fb.me/12HWAqe

Yesterday I was sad

http://on.fb.me/12HWBdw

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Joke # 1

Never confuse education with intelligence




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Joke # 2

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

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Joke # 3

A poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, "My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd, and I'm nervous as a cat."

Why don't you go see a psychiatrist? asked the collie.

I can't, replied the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."

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Joke # 4

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
Q: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

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Joke # 5

A wife got up early one morning and did a couple of tasks in the kitchen.

She was still feeling a little tired afterward, so she crawled back in to bed with her husband. He stirred and asked, "Is it time to get up?"

No, replied the wife. "I just thought we could lie in bed."

Hmmm, okay, he said. He thought for a moment, then added, "I made five million dollars at my job just last month. OK, now your turn."

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Joke # 6

A three-year study was just completed on how different nationalities treat their computer equipment. The study found the following:

- The Japanese are most likely to clean their keyboards after every use.
- The Americans are most likely to spill food on their keyboards.
- The Ukranians use their keyboards for spare parts for their TV's.
- The Germans are most likely to pound on their keyboards.
- The French are most likely to give their keyboards to The Germans without a struggle.

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Joke # 7

You Know You're a Bad Cook if ...

- The last time you tried to make toast The kitchen caught on fire.

- You make tuna noodle surprise for your family and the surprise is that it glows in the dark!

- Your homemade bread can be used as a door stop.

- The leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter.

- Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crockpot nine days old tastes like.

- The EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red 'biohazard' symbols.

- You use The smoke alarm as a cooking timer.

- Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.

- When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.

- You've used three boxes of scouring pads, a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan.

- Your family prays AFTER they eat!

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Joke # 8

Q: Three words to ruin a man's ego...?
A: "Is it in?"

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Good Day

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2015/05/good-day.html

First sip of coffee

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2015/05/first-sip-of-coffee.html

Everyone you will ever meet

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2015/05/everyone-you-will-ever-meet.html

Coffee Loves You

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2015/05/coffee-loves-you.html

Woodrow Wilson #Quote

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2015/05/woodrow-wilson-quote.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Facebook Manners

http://bit.ly/cw8Ve7

Budweiser - Vikings

http://bit.ly/d9HBGp

I Believe I Can Fly

http://bit.ly/9BVsoj

Breaking the Barrier

http://bit.ly/q7rsg8

Make 7 Up Yours

http://bit.ly/c9erre


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