Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Jokes for Wednesday 17th September 2014

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Who said that women can't park

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A Buck

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Arch Enemies

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Dolphin Photo Bomb

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I did the math

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Joke # 1

Here's a part of an aircraft that you don't get to see the crew rest compartment on Emirates Boeing 777s flying on long-haul routes




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Joke # 2

A deaf mute woman will masturbate with one hand so she can moan with the other.

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Joke # 3

A snooty matron caught the supermarket stock boy at an unguarded moment. "Young man," she demanded icily, "Don't you know it's bad matters to scratch your balls before others?"

He stammered around for a few minutes, then ask in bewilderment, "What am I supposed to do...offer to scratch yours first?"

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Joke # 4

Q: What do call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Your Honor.

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Joke # 5

The father watched through the window as his young daughter made a snowman with a little friend.

Entertained by the sight, he went closer and heard the little boy say: "I've got an idea. To finish it off, I'll go to the kitchen and find a carrot."

And his daughter replied, "Make it two. The second can be his nose."

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Joke # 6

Paddy, suffering from a severe toothache, finally got up enough nerve to visit his dentist, but lost it again when he was about to get into the chair. The dentist told his assistant to give Paddy a shot of whiskey kept on hand for just such circumstances as this.

"Ye got your courage back now?" the dentist asked.

"No!" replied Paddy.

So a second shot was brought, then a third.

"Now have ye got your courage?" asked the dentist.

"You're damn right!" Paddy said, squaring his shoulders. "I'd like to see the SOB who'd dare to touch me teeth now!"

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Joke # 7

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone.

He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.

Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, mate - it's a local call".

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Joke # 8

Q: How do you know if a restaurant has a clown as a chef?
A: When the food tastes funny

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Motivational Posters 138

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/01/motivational-posters-138.html

Motivational Posters 137

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/01/motivational-posters-137.html

Motivational Posters 136

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/01/motivational-posters-136.html

Facebook Status Update

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/01/facebook-status-update.html

Amazing Pool Table Car

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/01/amazing-pool-table-car.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Blind Cricket

http://bit.ly/dfYTAH

Don't Sleep At Work

http://bit.ly/ab61mw

Aaaaahhhhhhh

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Crazy Snow Mobilist

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Young Pianist

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Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Jokes for Tuesday 16th September 2014

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SydesJokes Home Page (Site now an archive no longer updated)
http://www.SydesJokes.com/index2.html

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Advertisement

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Consider the following:

-> 95% of all diets and weight loss programs fail.
-> 8 out of 10 Americans over the age of 25 are overweight.
-> 174 million Americans are overweight or obese.
-> The worldwide number is expected to double by 2030.
-> 25.8 million children and adults in the United States (8.3% of the population) have diabetes.

Source: Centers for Disease Control.

Check how Plexus products can help you lose weight --> http://PlexusSlim.com/ColinSydes

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Go outside & play

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Henry Miller #Quote

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People think I'm sassy

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Seen some wierd shit

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The Best Relationships

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Joke # 1

Grape peeing in wine glass




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Joke # 2

I was brought up to respect my elders. I want to, but it's getting harder and harder to find one.

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Joke # 3

There was this Chinese businessman visiting a newly acquired business in the United States. As a gesture of good will, the executives of his newly acquired business took him to a golf course for a round of golf. He had never played the game before.

Upon his return to China, his family asked what he had done in the United States.

He replied, "Played most interesting game. Hit little white ball with long stick in large cow pasture. Name of game is Oh shit!"

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Joke # 4

Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off you when you die.

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Joke # 5

Mary: I'm sorry I'm a bit late! My cab driver almost had a wreck getting me here!

Jill: What happened?

Mary: The driver in front of him started to go when the light turned green, but he slammed on the brakes to look at a gal on the sidewalk who was wearing a mini-skirt. My driver almost hit him in the rear!

Jill: My goodness! How short was the skirt?

Mary: Well, she was wearing blue panties!

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Joke # 6

A man and his son were walking through a field, and saw two dogs mating.

The little boy asked his Dad what was happening.

The Father replied, "Well, son, they're making a puppy."

The following evening, the little boy was thirsty, so he went from his bed to get a glass of water.

Not being able to reach the glasses, he walked unannounced into his parents bedroom, who were making love in their usual missionary position.

Confused, the boy asked what were they doing.

The Dad responded very slowly and coaxingly to his impressionable little boy, "Well, son, we are making you a little brother."

The little boy replied,"Quick, Dad! Please turn Mom over! I'd rather have a puppy!"

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Joke # 7

A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son sees the shelf of rubbers and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex."

The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

The son then picks up one with six pieces and asks, "Why six?"

The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday."

The son then notices the 12 pack and asks the same question.

The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...."

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Joke # 8

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Cool Ad

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/01/cool-ad.html

Motivational Posters 141

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/01/motivational-posters-141.html

New Virus - I think I have it also

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/01/new-virus-i-think-i-have-it-also.html

Motivational Posters 140

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/01/motivational-posters-140.html

Motivational Posters 139

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/01/motivational-posters-139.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Officer Needs Assistance

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Rowen Atkinson - Barber

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The Big Kite

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Scottish Stun Gun

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Sand Racing

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Monday, September 15, 2014

Sean Connery letter to Steve Jobs

Jokes for Monday 15th September 2014

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SydesJokes Home Page (Site now an archive no longer updated)
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Advertisement

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Consider the following:

-> 95% of all diets and weight loss programs fail.
-> 8 out of 10 Americans over the age of 25 are overweight.
-> 174 million Americans are overweight or obese.
-> The worldwide number is expected to double by 2030.
-> 25.8 million children and adults in the United States (8.3% of the population) have diabetes.

Source: Centers for Disease Control.

Check how Plexus products can help you lose weight --> http://PlexusSlim.com/ColinSydes

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Thomas Edison #Quote

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Astronauts

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Day Planner

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Deer Balls

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Foreplay

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Joke # 1

Discipline




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Joke # 2

Confucius: Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

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Joke # 3

Doug went to a psychiatrist and said, "Doc, I'm really worried about my wife. Yesterday she posed for a nude picture."

The psychiatrist said, "Well I wouldn't worry about that. It's probably just an expression of her interest in art. What was the nude picture for?"

Doug said, "Her driver's license."

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Joke # 4

Q: How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A: Make him wear shoes.

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Joke # 5

Jones applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.

Two hours later, Jones came back with the entire amount.

"Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," Jones replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."

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Joke # 6

The young lady at the confessional said, "Father, put it in my pussy!"

"No, child, the vulva is the sacred place whereby you deliver another child of God," replied the Priest.

"Oh, Father, put it in my mouth then!" begged the young woman.

"No, child, the mouth is the sacred place whereby you eat the sacred Host," said the Priest "So put it under my armpit!" asked the young lady.

"No, child, the armpit is the sacred place where you carry the Holy Bible," replied the Priest.

"OK, Father, then just take it out of my ass cause it hurts!"

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Joke # 7

While touring an Indian reservation in North Dakota filming a documentary, Barbara Walters was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers in the head dresses. So, she asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress. His reply was: "Only have one woman. One woman, one feather."

Feeling the first fellow was only joking she asked another brave. This brave had two feathers in his headdress. And he replied: "Me have two women. Two women, two feathers."

Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief.

Now the Chief had a head dress full of feathers, which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your head dress?"

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said: "Me Chief, me sleep with 'em all. Big, small, and tall, me sleep with 'em all."

Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung."

The Chief said: "You damn right, me hung, big like buffalo, long like snake"

Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile!"

The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style.....me sleep with 'em all."

With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear."

The Chief said: "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast."

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Joke # 8

Q: Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A: Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Airline Name

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/01/airline-name.html

Bi-Polar

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/01/bi-polar.html

John Lennon

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/01/john-lennon.html

Rude Orange Peeling

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/01/rude-orange-peeling.html

Motivational Posters 142

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2012/01/motivational-posters-142.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Lime Beer

http://bit.ly/cDWe22

Sony Camera

http://bit.ly/cEHJVL

Cucumber

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Lower Back Tattoo Remover

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His and Hers

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History's Greatest Comebacks - 4 of 4