Friday, October 31, 2014

Jokes for Friday 31st October 2014

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Civil Engineering Reference Wallpaper

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Classic quote from Charles Ramsey. The guy who saved 3 kidnapped girls in Ohio

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Climbing the Corporate Ladder

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Coffee

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Crabby Bitch

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Joke # 1

The Difference Between A BEER & YOU OPINION




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Joke # 2

A gentleman farmer is one who has more hay in the bank than in the barn.

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Joke # 3

A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you"

"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."

"All right," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."

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Joke # 4

Q: What goes ha, ha plonk?
A: Someone laughing their head off.

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Joke # 5

Two couples went out golfing together. The men hit first from the men's tee and walked with the ladies to their tee box. The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it completely, while passing some gas rather loudly in the process. No one commented.

She addressed the ball again but this time she passed just little gas as she made contact with the ball, topping it and moving it only a short distance.

She said, "I wonder why it didn't go any further?"

One of the men said, "I don't think you gave it enough gas."

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Joke # 6

Your Honor," she told the judge, "I want a divorce. My husband has been cheating on me."

"That is a serious accusation," the judge said. "Do you have any evidence to substantiate this claim of your husband's infidelity?"

"Yes, Your Honor. Just last night I was walking down Broadway when I saw him go into a movie with another woman."

"Who was this other woman?" the judge asked.

"I don't know. I never saw her before."

"Then why didn't you follow them into the theatre and find out who she was. It may have been just a harmless coincidence. You should have gone in after them."

"I would have," she explained, "but the fellow I was with had already seen the picture."

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Joke # 7

Alas, it is an original joke I was out walking when I ran into an old friend Doug. I was surprised how he looked. He had lost about forty pounds and was in pretty good shape.

I has to ask him how he did this: 'Doug how did you get in such great shape?

Doug: First thing in the morning when I get up, I pump Iron. When I get home from work, I pump Iron, before I go to bed I pump Iron. If I wake up in the middle of the night, I pump Iron.

I responded: That is amazing Doug, you have done great.

We walked to the parking lot our cars were parked next to each other. I noticed in his car was a drop dead blonde with legs that would not quit. She was stunning and about twenty years Doug's junior.

I asked: Doug who is your lady friend?

Doug: Oh, it is nothing, I have to leave.

The lady got out of the car and spoke: Oh Doug, are you not going to introduce me to your friend. Hello, my name is Janice Iron.

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Joke # 8

Q: What do you get when you cross a duck with cheese?
A: Cheese and quackers.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

When Turkeys Revolt

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/when-turkeys-revolt.html

McNuggets

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/mcnuggets.html

Why Trick or Treating Is Better Than Sex

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/why-trick-or-treating-is-better-than.html

Apple Logo Tribute To Steve Jobs

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/apple-logo-tribute-to-steve-jobs.html

The Ghost of the Middle Class

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/ghost-of-middle-class.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Mobile Phone Comviq

http://bit.ly/bK8LJI

All About Beer

http://bit.ly/9zygwx

Swear Jar

http://bit.ly/9A72jk

Mozart in the Office

http://bit.ly/9wddEC

Cinderella

http://bit.ly/a19SXi


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Thursday, October 30, 2014

Jokes for Thursday 30th October 2014

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-> 174 million Americans are overweight or obese.
-> The worldwide number is expected to double by 2030.
-> 25.8 million children and adults in the United States (8.3% of the population) have diabetes.

Source: Centers for Disease Control.

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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C.S. Lewis #Quote

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Canadians Going for Beer

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Careful Drinking Beer and Tequila

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Change Voicemail

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Charles Darwin #Quote

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Joke # 1

Let Go




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Joke # 2

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

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Joke # 3

Two women were discussing their sex lives, when one asked: "Do you know where I can get six black hens?" The other looked bemused and replied: "Six black hens! why do you want six black hens?

Her friend replied: "Because my husband's got a dead cock and I want to use them as pall bearers!"

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Joke # 4

Q: I have 3 heads, 5 legs, 7 arms and 444 fingers. What am I?
A: A liar.

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Joke # 5

Diane buys a hundred goldfish. There are so many of them that she decides to keep them in her bathtub. One day she invites her friend Lauren over to see all her beautiful goldfish.

Lauren is impressed, and remarks, "They surely are beautiful, but what do you do when you want to take a bath?"

Diane replies, "I blindfold them."

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Joke # 6

A Scottish couple was walking across the meadows. The girl looked at the guy and shyly asked, "Would you like to hold my hand?"

"Uh...well yes." the boy said, "But how did you know?"

She said, "By the gleam in your eye."

They walked a little further and the girl said, "Would you like to kiss me?"

"Oh, my yes!" replied the boy, "But how did you know?"

She said, "By the gleam in your eye."

As they got to the stream, they sat on a stump; the girl looked at the boy and asked, "Would you like to go all the way with me?"

"Well, oh, my gosh, yes! (gulp) Yes! But how did you know? By the gleam in my eye?"

"No," replied the girl, "by the TILT IN YOUR KILT."

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Joke # 7

A Texan went to the big city up North for the first time. After strolling around the downtown area for a while, he happened to look up and see a man at the top of a tall building. The man looked like he was ready to jump off.

Concerned about the man's fate, the Texan immediately started thinking of things he could tell the man so that he would want to live and would not jump.

"Remember your wife," yelled the Texan.

"She divorced me," said the man.

"Remember your children," yelled the Texan.

"They ran away," said the man.

"Remember your parents," yelled the Texan.

"They are dead," said the man.

"Remember the Alamo," yelled the Texan.

"What is the Alamo?" inquired the man.

"Jump, you Yankee Sumbitch!" replied the Texan.

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Joke # 8

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Holes all over Australia.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Jobs

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/jobs.html

Procrastinators Unite

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/procrastinators-unite.html

The Angry Bird

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/angry-bird.html

The Tax System Paid in Beer

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/tax-system-paid-in-beer.html

This Is My Job

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/this-is-my-job.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Cruise Ship in Storm

http://bit.ly/gAszam

Jacuzzi Party

http://bit.ly/aWJWRx

Flowers Wedding

http://bit.ly/aDpFNM

Driving on 2 wheels

http://bit.ly/cTTnvG

I Feel Good

http://bit.ly/bIUS24


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Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Jokes for Wednesday 29th October 2014

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-> 8 out of 10 Americans over the age of 25 are overweight.
-> 174 million Americans are overweight or obese.
-> The worldwide number is expected to double by 2030.
-> 25.8 million children and adults in the United States (8.3% of the population) have diabetes.

Source: Centers for Disease Control.

Check how Plexus products can help you lose weight --> http://PlexusSlim.com/ColinSydes

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Brain Fart

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Brain of the Typical Male

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Bullshit Bag

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Bullshit Bingo

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Butt_ Chart

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Joke # 1

Just because the past didn't turn out the way you want it to




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Joke # 2

Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

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Joke # 3

Mary, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any boys at the age of 19. Today she was asking her aunt Martha for advice with boys.

"Aunt Martha," she started, "I've just started French kissing Tommy and I need to know where the spit should go. I don't want to dribble on my boyfriend."

"Swallow." Her aunt advised. "This will make you even more popular later on."

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Joke # 4

Q: A man went to play golf for the day. He took his golf clubs and two pairs of pants. What were the extra pants for?
A: In case he got a hole-in-one.

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Joke # 5

A man checks into a hotel and the desk clerk asks, very quietly, if he would like a woman sent to his room. The man says yes.

The desk clerk says, "I have a stenographer, a switchboard operator or a teacher. Which one should I send up?"

With this the man replies, "I'll take the teacher."

When the man checks out the next morning, the desk clerk says, "I'm curious, why did you pick the teacher instead of the stenographer or the switchboard operator?"

The man replies, "The stenographer would say that she can't take it as fast as I give it. The switchboard operator would cut me off before I'm finished, but the teacher would tell me to do it over and over again until I get it right."

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Joke # 6

An old woman was taken to a gynecologist for the very first time, and of course the gynecologist was a very young and handsome fellow. The doctor was very thorough in his examination, and of course the old woman was quite embarrassed throughout the whole examination. Finally, the exam was over and the doctor told her to get dressed and come in to his office to talk about his findings.

The old woman listened intently as the doctor gave her the results. She then said she really only had one question for him.

The doctor said, "What is the question you have?"

"Tell me young man, does your mother know how you make a living?"

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Joke # 7

An old sea captain, and a little guy who played the fiddle, were arguing about women.

The old sea captain tells the little fiddle player that women can't be trusted, and they will not be faithful under any circumstances.

The little fiddle player said well he bet his wife would not do anything like that.

So, the old sea captain said he would bet his ship and cargo against the fiddler player's violin that she would be unfaithful.

The fiddle player took the bet, and invited the sea captain over to his house, and sent the two of them into the bedroom while he waited outside the door.

A half hour went by and he heard nothing from his wife, so he started singing to the tune of Auld Lang Sine:

Be true, my love, be true my love, It's only for an hour. Don't screw, my love, don't screw, my love, And the ship and cargo's ours.

She sang back to him:

Too late, my love, too late, my love, He's got me round the middle, He's screwed me once, he'll do it twice, And you've lost your damned old fiddle!!!

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Joke # 8

Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: Because it had no guts.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Battery Low

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/battery-low.html

Facebook

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/facebook.html

The Janitor

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/janitor.html

Roll the Window Down

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/roll-window-down.html

How to Build a Lasting Relationship

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/how-to-build-lasting-relationship.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

New Home Improvement Tool

http://bit.ly/9Qpm0x

The Complete History of Jack Schitt

http://bit.ly/byrFSk

New Chair Made in China

http://bit.ly/9AfKHz

The Proper Way To Listen To Classical Music

http://bit.ly/bAvv8W

Jumping Between Platforms

http://bit.ly/a67o4k


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Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Jokes for Tuesday 28th October 2014

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-> 8 out of 10 Americans over the age of 25 are overweight.
-> 174 million Americans are overweight or obese.
-> The worldwide number is expected to double by 2030.
-> 25.8 million children and adults in the United States (8.3% of the population) have diabetes.

Source: Centers for Disease Control.

Check how Plexus products can help you lose weight --> http://PlexusSlim.com/ColinSydes

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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BMW Number Plate

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Bomb Technician

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Boob Chart

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Bottomless Pit

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Bowling Alley

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Joke # 1

Do whatever




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Joke # 2

Confucius: Wise man never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

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Joke # 3

You looked troubled," Bill told his friend Doug, "what's your problem?"

Doug replied, "I'm going to be a father."

"But that's wonderful," Bill replied.

"What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know it yet."

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Joke # 4

Q: What did the fish say to the seashores?
A: "Can I ride on you seashorse?"

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Joke # 5

A jeweller called the police station to report a robbery.

"You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my store, the doors opened and an elephant came out. He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewelry and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck pulled away."

The desk sergeant said, "Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?"

"What's the difference?" asked the jeweller.

"Well," said the sergeant, an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has little ears."

"Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the jeweler. He had a stocking over his head."

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Joke # 6

A young intern was making a morning visit in the maternity pre-partum ward at the local hospital.

He stopped at the first bed and said: "What is the expected due date for your baby?"

"June 8th." she answered.

He went on to the next bed and repeated his question.

"June 8th." came the reply.

He asked the woman in the next bed the same question.

Again the response was "June 8th."

After getting the same answer seven times in a row, he found the next patient asleep.

He turned to the woman he had just questioned, and asked: "Does Mrs. W. here also expect her baby to be born on June 8th?"

"I don't know," was the reply. "You see, she didn't go to our company's Labor Day picnic."

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Joke # 7

A young Scotsman was all set up for his very first screw, but his girlfriend says, "Sorry Jock, not without a condom."

Young Jock searched the town high and low, but being a Sunday, every place was closed.

Walking around, he eventually met Old Angus, a very good friend of his father. Young Jock explained his problem.

Old Angus said, "Don't worry son, I can help you out."

Young Jock took off and the night was beyond his wildest expectations. A week later, he met Old Angus in the street and told him about his experience.

"It was wonderful, Angus. Thanks to you, I had the best time I have ever had."

"Just glad I could help out son; now where's the condom?" asked Old Angus.

Young Jock looked at him and replied, "I threw it away."

Old Angus, with a scowl on his face, said, "Ah, yer in trouble now laddie--that condom belonged to the club."

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Joke # 8

Q: Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team?
A: Because she ran away from the ball.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Blue Screens of Death

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/blue-screens-of-death.html

Translations of Common Euphemisms

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/translations-of-common-euphemisms.html

Thanksgiving in Another Galaxy

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/thanksgiving-in-another-galaxy.html

Thanksgiving Dressing Stress

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/thanksgiving-dressing-stress.html

Mad Turkey Desease

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/11/mad-turkey-desease.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Bank Robbery - Belfast Style

http://bit.ly/aEJNDF

Countries of the World

http://bit.ly/9v0jk6

Awareness Test

http://bit.ly/cJLk57

Chinook Picking Up a Boat

http://bit.ly/a5cQG7

Whining Kid

http://bit.ly/fp3pKV


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