Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Jokes for Tuesday 25th November 2014

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Texas Weather

http://on.fb.me/12HXqTS

The Church of Facebook

http://on.fb.me/12HXral

The Danger of Too Much Caffeine

http://on.fb.me/12HXrqL

The Erogenous Zones

http://on.fb.me/12HXsuR

The Excuse Creator

http://on.fb.me/12HXrHk

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Joke # 1

One Job




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Joke # 2

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

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Joke # 3

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more than a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

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Joke # 4

Q: What school do you have to drop out of to graduate from?
A: Parachute school!

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Joke # 5

Mary and Sue were always trying to get the other's goat and today they were meeting for lunch.

Mary noticed that Sue was walking bowlegged and asked what the problem was.

Sue replied, "Oh nothing. It's just that my husband is so big, I just can't take it."

Mary replied, "I know. I know."

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Joke # 6

Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.

4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."

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Joke # 7

Ole and Lena are sixty-nining when Ole says, "Leena did you know there is 117,000 musk-ox in Alaska?".

Lena says, "No, I didn't, Gee, you¹re smart".

Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?"

Lena says, "No I didn't. Gee, you¹re smart.

Ole says, "and Lena did you know there is over 2,000,000 caribou living in Alaska?"

"No", says Lena, "how did you get so smart?" Sort of wondering how this conversation came about in the middle of their sex play.

Ole says, "Remember last winter when we ran out of toilet paper and we had to use the pages out of magazines?"

"Yes, I remember", says Lena.

Ole says, "Well you still have page 63 of the National Geographic stuck to your ass."

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Joke # 8

Q: Where does Friday come before Monday?
A: In the dictionary.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Responders

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/09/responders.html

Labor Day 3

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/09/labor-day-3-laborday.html

18 Funny Universal Laws

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/09/18-funny-universal-laws.html

X-Men Family Tree

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/09/x-men-family-tree.html

Men at Work

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/09/men-at-work.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Rapping Flight Attendant

http://bit.ly/9IzU7X

Sauna Beer

http://bit.ly/bWkppR

Do Not Judge Too Quickly #3

http://bit.ly/cYSHKL

The Black Hole

http://bit.ly/bWhLAV

Computer Problems

http://bit.ly/dtaBbo


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Monday, November 24, 2014

Jokes for Monday 24th November 2014

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Take me for a walk

http://on.fb.me/12HXov1

Take Notes

http://on.fb.me/12HXovf

Teaching

http://on.fb.me/12HXoLC

Texas

http://on.fb.me/12HWChA

Texas Snowman

http://on.fb.me/12HXqDp

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Joke # 1

Promise, is a big word




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Joke # 2

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

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Joke # 3

During a Sunday-morning worship service, a mother tried everything she could think of — including rewards, scoldings, and threats — to get her fidgety 7-year-old son to be quiet.  Nothing worked.  Finally, about halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered something in the little boy’s ear.

He immediately stopped fidgeting and sat quietly for the rest of the service.  Afterward, a friend sitting in the row behind asked the young mother what she had said to her son.

The mother smiled and replied, “If you don’t be quiet, the preacher is going to lose his place, and then he’ll have to start his sermon all over again.”

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Joke # 4

Q: Why did the calendar write its will?
A: Its days were numbered.

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Joke # 5

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A fewminutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"

The drunk replies, "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

The bartender says, "You idiot, you're sitting on the mop bucket!"

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Joke # 6

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cold beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered, "Indeed it would sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout."

I can handle that without a problem. she replied as she picked up a six-pack an headed for the checkout.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. One of the nuns explained "We use beer for washing our hair, a shampoo of sort, if you will."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer.

He looked the nun straight in the eye, said, "The curlers are on the house."

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Joke # 7

The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the church. When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice. "Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"

"Why reverend." the young thing replied. All of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts."

"Hmm. Well let me check," said the man of the cloth, placing his head between her tits. After several minutes, he raised his head and said. "I don't hear any angels singing!" "Of course not reverend." she said. "You're not plugged in yet."

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Joke # 8

Q: In what school do you learn how to greet people?
A: Hi school.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Carhenge

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/09/carhenge.html

Geography of a Women

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/09/geography-of-women.html

The Perfect Computer

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/09/perfect-computer.html

Kinky Barbie

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/09/kinky-barbie.html

The Internet Fairy

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/09/internet-fairy.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Diet Iron Brew

http://bit.ly/cSzdoG

Shitty Day At Gym

http://bit.ly/c96eMd

Snow Plowing Robot

http://bit.ly/ePivQ8

Killer Whale Escape

http://bit.ly/ds9sxl

Passing Out At Weddings

http://bit.ly/dtxxkN


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Sunday, November 23, 2014

Jokes for Sunday 23rd November 2014

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Submissive Chess

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Subway

http://on.fb.me/12HXnXY

Winston Churchill Quote

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Success is not the key to happiness

http://on.fb.me/12HXpPN

Sweetex Billboard

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Joke # 1

Those who stir the shitpot




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Joke # 2

Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it

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Joke # 3

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, but the waiter's thumb is resting on the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yells the customer. "You bring my food with your hand on my steak?"

"What?" answers the waiter. "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

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Joke # 4

Q: How do they serve smart hamburgers?
A: On honor rolls.

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Joke # 5

A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."

The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"

The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."

"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.

"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

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Joke # 6

A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.

A country doctor was finally able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it, and if it is humanly possible I'll get it for you."

"Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs, that would be fine." With that the physician left.

The doctor didn't hear from the Texan millionaire for some months. Then, one day, he got a phone call from the millionaire.

"Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of them didn't have swimming pools, and I didn't think they were good enough for ya. So I had pools installed and they're all ready for you now!"

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Joke # 7

Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsmanlike manner at a recent football game.

"I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents," he confessed.

"Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.

"That's not all, Father." said the confessor. "I got mad and punched one of my opponents."

"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark.

"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the ... in a sensitive area."

"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?"

"Southern Methodist."

"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve clean, "boys will be boys."


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Joke # 8

Q: What is the world's longest punctuation mark?
A: The hundred yard dash.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Republicans turned off by size of Obama's package

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/republicans-turned-off-by-size-of.html

The Facebook Bra

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/09/facebook-bra.html

Proposed Facebook Buttons

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/09/proposed-facebook-buttons.html

Little Johnny

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/09/little-johnny.html

Pooch Park Powered by Poop

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/09/pooch-park-powered-by-poop.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Mr Bean - Short Trousers

http://bit.ly/cIV9Ex

Sound Barrier

http://bit.ly/a2Xn7t

Redneck 911

http://bit.ly/iBmtAR

Japanese Chair

http://bit.ly/dvkpMG

Bulging Eyes

http://bit.ly/aGjymF


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Saturday, November 22, 2014

Jokes for Saturday 22nd November 2014

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Soup of the Day

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Squeeze from the bottom

http://on.fb.me/12HXm6v

Stool Sample

http://on.fb.me/12HXmU0

Stop Deforestation

http://on.fb.me/12HXmn7

Stupid People

http://on.fb.me/12HXnr4

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Joke # 1

Text and driving




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Joke # 2

Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner.

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Joke # 3

A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding.

Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was.

"I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.

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Joke # 4

Q: What did the class clown take a computer to school?
A: Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.

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Joke # 5

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.  The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion.  Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair.  One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.  His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

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Joke # 6

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men alongside the road eating grass.  Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.  He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "we have to eat grass.

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.  They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "you come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "but sir, I also have a wife.

"Bring them  all, as well, " the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir,  you are too kind." Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.  The grass is almost a foot high!"

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Joke # 7

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance..

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.

Nice children you have there..

Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins.

The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.

Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?' So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice.

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

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Joke # 8

Q: Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?
A: At forks in the road.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Dear Facebook

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/dear-facebook.html

36DD Breasts

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/36dd-breasts.html

Bubba and the NYC banker

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/bubba-and-nyc-banker.html

Scottish Bar Stool - For Kilts

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/scottish-bar-stool-for-kilts.html

Air Force Joke

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/air-force-joke.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Pistol Shrimp

http://bit.ly/ckwIk2

Sunday Driver

http://bit.ly/nUrUvx

Funny Gymnastics

http://bit.ly/a80mtL

The Fastest Chevy Truck in the World

http://bit.ly/aoveWI

Boogie Woogie

http://bit.ly/94FTgt


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Jokes for Friday 21st November 2014

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SydesJokes Facebook Page Posts

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Slippery When Wet

http://on.fb.me/12HXjaM

Slut

http://on.fb.me/12HXliY

Sluts

http://on.fb.me/12HXlzr

Someone didn't think this baby outfit all the way through

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Sometimes

http://on.fb.me/12HXjYc

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Joke # 1

Do you have any idea




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Joke # 2

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft ... Today, it's called golf.

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Joke # 3

A doctor broke the bad news to a man, that his wife would have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. “I’m afraid her mind’s completely gone,” he said.

“Makes sense,” mumbled the man. “She’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 15 years.”

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Joke # 4

Q: What's the tallest building in the world?
A: The library, because it has the most stories.

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Joke # 5

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.

"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."

The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"

"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."

"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."

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Joke # 6

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Goodness!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about.

His words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

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Joke # 7

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope o n the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?" The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada,. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno '

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Joke # 8

Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?
A: I better not tell you, it might spread.

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SydesJokes Blog Posts

Child Proofed House

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/child-proofed-house.html

Chicks Rule

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/chicks-rule.html

New Texas Ambulance

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/new-texas-ambulance.html

Cleavage

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/cleavage.html

Welcome to Wal-Mart

http://sydesjokes.blogspot.com/2011/10/welcome-to-wal-mart.html

More funny posts --> http://bit.ly/h97b22

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SydesJokes Video Clips

Two Hand Is Better Than One

http://bit.ly/ofsIYs

Hidden Jobs Part #2 - Pedestrians Traffic Light

http://bit.ly/bQ2xwh

Plane Taxiing

http://bit.ly/98J4aF

Mama Nem

http://bit.ly/atbSWv

Why Some Women Are Single

http://bit.ly/c0UD3c


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