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Monday, January 22, 2018

Gandhi

 

 

 

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Never let your memories be greater than your dreams


Freedom

 

 

 

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Daily Jokes from SydesJokes for 22 Jan 2018

 

Joke 1

Dwight D. Eisenhower

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://csyd.es/1/426


Joke 2

There are two educations. One should teach us how to make a living, and the other how to live. - John Adams


Joke 3

A novice gardener who was looking for some advice asked an experienced farmer, "What would be good to plant in an area that gets very little rain, has too much late afternoon sun, has clay soil and lies on a rocky ledge?"

Replied the farmer, "How about a flagpole?".


Joke 4

Q: How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Are you kidding? That's a hardware problem!


Joke 5

A man came back to the dealer from whom he bought a new car.

I believe you gave me a guarantee with my car, he said.

That's right, sir, the salesman answered. "During the warranty period we will replace anything that breaks."

Fine, I need a new garage door.


Joke 6

Little Johnny is in the park eating candy when an old man comes up to him. The old man says, "Y'know, eating candy is not good for your health."

Little Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, my grandpa lived to 103."

The old man asks, "Well, did he eat candy?"

Little Johnny says, "No, but he knew how to mind his own damn business."


Joke 7

Two Goober hunters were dragging their dead deer down a trail back to their car.

Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

"Hey, I don't want to tell you what to do, but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah," the other added, "but we're getting farther away from the truck!"


Joke 8

Q: How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
A: She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."


Denis Waitley

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://csyd.es/1/427


 

 

 

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Sunday, January 21, 2018

Daily Jokes from SydesJokes for 21 Jan 2018

 

Joke 1

Real change

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://csyd.es/1/785


Joke 2

If you understand, things are just as they are; if you do not understand, things are just as they are. - Zen Proverb


Joke 3

Several women, each trying to one-up the other, appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.

The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "Okay, I'm ready to hear the evidence...I'll hear the oldest first."

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.


Joke 4

Q: How do you get holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it.


Joke 5

A couple was sitting in the park.

Two dogs that were romping on the grass started to lick each other's faces.

The girl said, "They look like they're kissing."

The boy replied. "If you wouldn't mind, I think I'd like to give that a try."

The girl said, "I don't mind, but I'd be careful. The big white dog looks like it could be dangerous."


Joke 6

A housewife is at home when she suddenly hears a knock on the door.

When she opens the door a man asks her if she has a vagina, the woman slams the door in disbelief of what a stranger has just asked her.

The same thing happens three consecutive days and the woman decides to tells her husband.

The husband says to the wife; "Tomorrow I am not going to work and when the man asks if you have a vagina say 'yes' and I will be hiding behind the door."

The next day the same man comes again and when the woman opens the door he asks, "Do you have vagina?"

The woman says, Yes."

The man then responds, Good! Then please tell your husband to stop screwing my wife!"


Joke 7

A mother was determined to break through the generation gap and have a meaningful conversation with her pre-teen about her first day back at school.

The mother asked, "Did you have a good day?"

The daughter responded with, "Yeah."

Trying to prod a more detailed response, the mother inquired, "Do you like school this year?"

The daughter said, "Well, sort of."

Again pressing the point, the determined mom asked, "Well, how much did you like it?"

As a sign of the way smart phones have changed the way young people think, the daughter replied, "I like it. But, I only like it about two bars."


Joke 8

Q: How do you get a frog off the back window of your car?
A: Use the rear defrogger.


Be silent

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://csyd.es/1/786


 

 

 

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Saturday, January 20, 2018

Daily Jokes from SydesJokes for 20 Jan 2018

 

Joke 1

Dr. Seuss

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://csyd.es/1/580


Joke 2

It's only premarital sex if you're going to get married. - Anonymous


Joke 3

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.

Did he tell you what gauge to get? asked the clerk.

Are you kidding? she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"


Joke 4

Q: Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A: He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.


Joke 5

A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company.  It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, fax, photocopying, and everything but lunch hours.

Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services.

Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list:

"For crossing the street to talk to you, then discovering it wasn't you at all - $125."


Joke 6

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody- or-other had printed it.

Not Gutenberg? gasped the collector.

Yes, that was it!

You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!

Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much, replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some clown named Martin Luther."


Joke 7

A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.

Doc, the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I'm going to explode."

Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment.

What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?

No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common.

Tell me! What is it?

You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.


Joke 8

Q: Did you hear about the two men who walked into a bar?
A: The third one ducked.


Eleanor Roosevelt

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://csyd.es/1/582


 

 

 

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Friday, January 19, 2018

Daily Jokes from SydesJokes for 19 Jan 2018

 

Joke 1

Life is too short

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://csyd.es/1/585


Joke 2

If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulders of giants. - Isaac Newton


Joke 3

Gail, the attractive secretary was inclined to brag way too much about her "dates" to suit the other women in the office.

One day, she was going on and on about a Texan who had treated her like a Queen all evening and at the end of the date, gave her 2 hundred dollar bills for "cab fare".

"Imagine that." came a voice from the other side of the filing cabinets, "A hundred-and-eighty dollar tip."


Joke 4

Q: How can you tell if a planet is married?
A: It has a ring around it.


Joke 5

An efficiency expert, called into a company to find out why they were losing money, stopped one man and asked him what he did.

"Nothing," said the employee.

The expert turned to another man standing nearby and asked him what he did.

"Nothing," was his reply.

"Oh," said the efficiency expert, "too much duplication."


Joke 6

There was a preacher that was trying to sell his horse. A potential buyer came to the church for a test ride.

"Before you start" the preacher said,"you should know that this horse only responds to church talk. "Go" is "Praise the Lord" and "Stop" is "Amen."

So the man on the horse says " Praise the Lord," and the horse starts to trot. The man again says "Praise the Lord," and the horse starts to gallop.

Suddenly there is a cliff right in front of the horse and the man yells "Amen!!!" The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff.

The man wipes the sweat from his brow and says "Praise the Lord."


Joke 7

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

Sand, answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. He releases Juan and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"

Sand, says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every week for three years.

Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

Hey Buddy, says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."


Joke 8

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.


Amelia Earhart

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://csyd.es/1/586


 

 

 

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Thursday, January 18, 2018

Leadership and learning

 

 

 

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Confucius

 

 

 

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Napoleon Hill

 

 

 

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It's not hard to fail

 

 

 

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Buddha

 

 

 

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Defeat is not the worst of failures

 

 

 

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Knowledge

 

 

 

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Life

 

 

 

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C.S. Lewis

 

 

 

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Shithole

 

 

 

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Big Bang Theory

 

 

 

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Friday Eve

 

 

 

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Daily Jokes from SydesJokes for 18 Jan 2018

 

Joke 1

Irish Proverb

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://csyd.es/1/782


Joke 2

He who seeks rest finds boredom. He who seeks work finds rest. - Dylan Thomas


Joke 3

A couple often ate at a local restaurant and were amused to discover the simple way the eatery had of advertising its hours.

The door displayed four large letters that spelled the word "OPEN."

Then, after business hours, the "N" was moved forward to spell out "NOPE."


Joke 4

Q: Did you hear about the new restaurant that opened in India?
A: It's a New Delhicatessen.


Joke 5

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself.

The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet.

Are you hurt? he asked.

Of course I'm hurt! she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"


Joke 6

The high school basketball coach had landed a job as head coach at a prestigious university. Thrilled about his new position, he was sure national fame and recognition would soon follow.

One morning, his wife called to him from downstairs. "Honey, you have a phone call," she said. "It's Sports Illustrated."

"This is it!" he thought to himself. "My big break!"

He practically fell in his rush down the stairs getting to the phone.

He picked up the receiver.

"Hello," the voice said. "This is Ron from Sports Illustrated. Now, for only 75 cents an issue..."


Joke 7

Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were spending the night in a hotel room.

Donald wanted to have sex with Minnie.

The first thing Minnie asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said "No."

Minnie told Donald that if he didn't get a condom they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms. "Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"

No! Donald yelled. "What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"


Joke 8

Q: How do you clean ice off tall buildings?
A: With sky scrapers.


A beautiful soul

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://csyd.es/1/783


 

 

 

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Crypto Cafe

 

 

 

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Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Daily Jokes from SydesJokes for 17 Jan 2018

 

Joke 1

Gratitude

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://csyd.es/1/429


Joke 2

It is not fair to ask of others what you are not willing to do yourself. - Eleanor Roosevelt


Joke 3

A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with his coffee. "This coffee," he said loud enough for most of the other patrons to hear, "is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers."

The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and returned shortly with another cup of coffee. "This one isn't so hot, sir," he beamed.


Joke 4

Q: Did you hear about the two silkworms that had a race?
A: It ended up in a tie.


Joke 5

John: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.

Mary: Are you wearing it now?

John: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's top of the line.

Mary: What kind is it?

John: Twelve-thirty.


Joke 6

A man driving in Southern Indiana, heading for Kentucky, saw a sign that read:

LAST CHANCE FOR $1.55 GAS!!!

He still had more than a quarter of a tank left, but figured he'd better take advantage of this opportunity to fill-up his tank cheap.

As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked, "So, how much IS gas in Kentucky?"

The man replied, "A buck and a quarter."


Joke 7

Billy Bob goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, and isn't fully convinced, but as usual, the store assistant comes along and closes the deal.

On his way home, Billy Bob puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo! He sees everyone in the street naked. He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on... everyone is naked! "Cool!"

As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and the postman, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked. Billy Bob then says, "Damn, I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're already broken!"


Joke 8

Q: Have you seen Quasimodo?
A: I have a hunch he's back!


Ernest Hemingway

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://csyd.es/1/428


 

 

 

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Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Daily Jokes from SydesJokes for 16 Jan 2018

 

Joke 1

The Government Banning Bitcoin

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://csyd.es/1/305


Joke 2

The first wealth is health. - Ralph Waldo Emerson


Joke 3

Little Sonia was shouting her prayers. "Please God send me a new doll for my birthday."

Her mother, overhearing this, said, "Don't shout dear, God isn't deaf."

No, but Grandad is, and he's in the next room, Sonia replied.


Joke 4

Q: Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug?
A: She had her baby in the spring.


Joke 5

A husband and wife were debating on buying a new car. She wanted a fast sports car. He wanted a pickup. As time passed on, her birthday came up and she thought it a great time to fulfill her wish.

She told her husband, "Look, I want something that can go from 0 to 200. Furthermore, I want it to be able to do it in just a few seconds!"

The husband bought her a bathroom scale.

(The funeral is at 3:00pm Wednesday)


Joke 6

Dewey is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Steve walks in, sits down, and asks him what the problem is.

Well, said Dewey, "I ran afoul of one of those awkward questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home."

What kind of question? asked Steve.

My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, fat, and wrinkly.

That's easy, said Steve. "You just say, 'Of course I will.'"

Yeah, said Dewey, "that's what I meant to say, except I said, 'Of course I DO...'"


Joke 7

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll shoot you."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.

The Ranger asked a local to translated his message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger anxiously

The local answered, He say, "He no afraid to die!"


Joke 8

Q: Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
A: The survivors were marooned.


What ever you decide to do

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://csyd.es/1/207


 

 

 

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