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Sunday, February 18, 2018

Daily Jokes from SydesJokes for 18 Feb 2018

 

Joke 1

Winnie the Pooh

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://bit.ly/2GFZJwN


Joke 2

Nothing is enough for the man to whom enough is too little. - Epicurus


Joke 3

"Mom, hey, Mom! Lennie passed his bar exam so we're going to get married next week!" The bride-to-be was ecstatic. "Gee, honey, don't you think you two should wait till he's been practicing for a year or so?" cautioned her mother.

"Oh Mom," said the bride with a blush, "we've been practicing."


Joke 4

Q: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
A: Not if you are the groom.


Joke 5

A man was driving recklessly down the interstate one day and his girlfriend in the passenger seat was getting very upset. The man finally realized that she was not happy with his driving and said, "Baby I'm sorry for driving so recklessly; I should be more careful when I have precious cargo!"

The girlfriend looked at him and said, "Oh, that's so sweet, baby!"

Then the guy quickly corrected her, "No, no! I mean the golf clubs in the back!"


Joke 6

Little Suzie was supposed to bring fifty cents to school for a work book, so she went to ask her father for it. She found him in the bathroom, stark naked, and in the excitement she forgot all about the fifty cents and asked, "Daddy, What's that?"

Her dad said, "That's what I call 'a shame'."

Next day at school, when the teacher asked for the fifty cents, Little Suzie said, "Daddy couldn't give me fifty cents because he wasn't wearing his pants."

The teacher replied, "Doesn't your father have any shame at all?"

Little Suzie said, "Oh, yes, ma'am, he has one, but it's not as big as the one the principal gave you last Thursday."


Joke 7

The Top 14 Biblical Ways to Get a Wife

  1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

  2. Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)

  3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. - Moses (Ex 2:16-21)

  4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

  5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

  6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. - Adam (Gen 2:19-24)

  7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

  8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife - David (I Samuel 18:27)

  9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

  10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. -Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

  11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." -Samson (Judges 14:1-)

  12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). - David (2 Samuel 11)

  13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

  14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)


Joke 8

Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.


Gossip is a disease

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Original post: http://bit.ly/2GGfALZ


 

 

 

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Saturday, February 17, 2018

Daily Jokes from SydesJokes for 17 Feb 2018

 

Joke 1

Ideas

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://bit.ly/2GHIb3t


Joke 2

A good time to keep you mouth shut is when you're in deep water.


Joke 3

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: Because they don't know any better.


Joke 4

LAPD Officer: "We arrested this man beating the living daylights out of some poor slob for no reason at all! What should we charge him with?"

DESK Sergeant: "Impersonating an Officer."


Joke 5

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.

"All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"


Joke 6

The doctor gazed at the harassed, stout lady who sat on the other side of his desk. "I was right, Mrs. Green," he announced, "You are definitely pregnant again."

"This will be the fifteenth, doc," said Mrs. Green grimly. "You'll have to help me. Enough is enough. I want one of those hearing aids!"

"A hearing aid?" frowned the doctor. "Surely you mean a contraceptive device?"

"I mean a hearing aid, doctor. You see it's like this. Every Saturday night my husband comes in drunk. When he gets into bed he says, "Now then, are we going to sleep, or what?"

And every blasted time I say, 'What?"


Joke 7

A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."

The store clerk replied, "Sorry about, that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

To which the blonde answered, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'"


Joke 8

Q: Why did the prisoner take a shower before he broke out of jail?
A: He wanted to make a clean getaway.


Conquer your bad habits

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Original post: http://bit.ly/2GEW0j1


 

 

 

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Friday, February 16, 2018

Daily Jokes from SydesJokes for 16 Feb 2018

 

Joke 1

A problem

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://bit.ly/2GGXZDi


Joke 2

There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living. - Nelson Mandela


Joke 3

Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor.

"One thing about Jim," his buddy said to the bartender, "he knows when to stop."


Joke 4

Q: What did the mayonnaise say to the fridge?
A: Close the door, I'm dressing!


Joke 5

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.


Joke 6

Pauly walks into a bar and says "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well, Pauly, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, eh?"

Pauly says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from paring meters. I start on Monday!" The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.

Monday evening arrives. Pauly comes back into the bar and says "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"

Pauly looks at the bartender with a confused look on his face, pulls out quite a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says "You mean they'll PAY me on top of it?"


Joke 7

There once was a third grader named Little Johnny. Every time the teacher would say something, Little Johnny would say, "How about that!"

One day, the teacher said, "And then George Washington crossed the Delaware."

Little Johnny said, "How about that!"

The teacher told Little Johnny, "If you say that one more time, you are going out into the hall, mister!"

To that, Little Johnny replied, "Well, how about that!"

Taking him by the arm, the teacher marched Little Johnny into the hall and said, "While you're out here, I want you to write a poem to tell the class."

Twenty minutes later, the teacher came out to get Little Johnny and said, "Before we go back in, I want to hear your poem."

Little Johnny said, "As I stood in the hall, I saw a cockroach go up the wall. How about that!"

The teacher said, "That's fine, Little Johnny, but I want you to leave the cock out."

She took him back into the classroom and announced that Little Johnny had a poem for the class.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "As I stood in the hall, I saw a roach go up the wall with his cock out. How about that!"


Joke 8

Q: Why did the fool climb up on the roof?
A: Because he heard that the drinks were on the house.


In order to succeed

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Original post: http://bit.ly/2GFqIbK


 

 

 

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Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Daily Jokes from SydesJokes for 14 Feb 2018

 

Joke 1

If you love deeply

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://bit.ly/2GGXY2c


Joke 2

Men are like..... Used Cars. Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.


Joke 3

Ramona said, "My, but you look different today," to Marianne, a coworker at the hospital. "Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look. What did you use - special curlers and some dramatic eye makeup?"

"No!" replied Marianne. "My vibrator shorted out this morning."


Joke 4

Q: Why can't a nose be twelve inches long?
A: Because then it'd be a foot!


Joke 5

A soldier went up to the Company Cook and said, "If you put a lid on the pan there'll be less dust and dirt in the food".

The cook, very annoyed, replied, "You mind your own business. Your duty is to defend the homeland!"

"That's right," said the soldier. "But my duty is to defend it, not to eat it."


Joke 6

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: ' You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'


Joke 7

Pauly walks into a bar and says "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well, Pauly, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, eh?"

Pauly says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from paring meters. I start on Monday!" The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.

Monday evening arrives. Pauly comes back into the bar and says "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"

Pauly looks at the bartender with a confused look on his face, pulls out quite a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says "You mean they'll PAY me on top of it?"


Joke 8

Q: Why was the cucumber mad?
A: Because it was in a pickle!


Chinese Proverb

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://bit.ly/2GHeI9U


 

 

 

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Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Dalai Lama


Antisthenes


Edgar Allen Poe


Be not afraid of growing slowly


Voltaire


Graham Greene


Hard work


Martin Luther


George Bernard Shaw


Trumpoleon


Vonnegut


Thomas Jefferson


Daily Jokes from SydesJokes for 13 Feb 2018

 

Joke 1

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://bit.ly/2GHJY8m


Joke 2

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.


Joke 3

Employee: Boss, I've been here 11 years, doing three men's work for one man's pay. I want a raise and I want it now!

Boss: Well, I can't give you a raise, but tell you what.... if you tell me who the other two men are, I'll fire them.


Joke 4

Q: What do you call a song sung in an automobile?
A: A cartoon.


Joke 5

Harry teed his ball up, addressed his golf ball, and took a magnificent swing. Something went wrong, and he hit a wicked slice. T he ball left the fairway he was playing, and it went onto the adjoining one -- where it hit a man full in the face. He dropped like a rock!

Rushing over to the man, Harry and his partner found him unconscious, with the ball lying between his feet. "Oh no!" exclaimed Harry. "What should we do?"

"I'm not sure," said his partner. "But don't move him! If we just leave him here, he's an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball from where it lies or drop it two clublengths away without penalty."


Joke 6

A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy. The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office.

"Things aren't going too well, guys," he announced grimly. "So to perk up sales I'm announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job."

"What does the loser get?" asked one of the salesmen.

The owner looked at both men and said, "The loser gets to give it."


Joke 7

Once a blonde kept having the same weird dream every day, so she went to her doctor.

Doctor: What was your dream about?

Blonde: I was being chased by a vampire!

Doctor: Really... What was the scenery like?

Blonde: I was running in a hallway.

Doctor: Then what happened?

Blonde: Well, that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I would always come to this door, but I couldn't open it. I kept pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!

Doctor: Did the door have any letters on it?

Blonde: Yes, it did.

Doctor: And what did the letters spell?

Blonde: It said, "P-U-L-L."


Joke 8

Q: What do sea monsters eat for lunch?
A: Fish and ships.


This is the beginning of anything you want

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://bit.ly/2DSuKz7


 

 

 

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Monday, February 12, 2018

All tyranny needs to gain a foothold is for people of good conscience to remain silent. - Edmund Burke


Daily Jokes from SydesJokes for 12 Feb 2018

 

Joke 1

Mahatma Gandhi

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://bit.ly/2DT8S6K


Joke 2

Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.


Joke 3

A woman walked into my aunt's animal shelter wanting to have her cat and six kittens spayed and neutered. "Is the mother friendly?" my aunt asked.

"Very," said the woman, casting an eye on the pet carriers. "That's how we got into this mess in the first place."


Joke 4

Q: Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?
A: Because he wanted sweet dreams.


Joke 5

One day Danny was doing his homework. He was up to spelling and he needed to spell harassment. His teacher told him to have a parent recite the words so they can practice writing it so Danny looks up to his mother and says, "Mom, how do you spell harassment?"

His mother replies, "You know I can't tell you. Just sound it out."

With that Danny wrote down on the paper. The next day at school Danny's teacher calls him to the front of the class and asks him to use harassment in a sentence. Danny holds his paper up to his face and looks down at number 10. "Her ass meant so much to me."


Joke 6

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."


Joke 7

One day, during English class, Miss Figpot asked her class, "who can tell me the meaning of indifferent?"

The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another. No one knows. Finally, Little Johnny sticks up his hand. The teacher, hesitant to call on him because of his propensity for foul language and sexual innuendo, looks for another student to ask.

Finally when no one else raises their hand, she says, "yes, Johnny?"

"Miss Figpot, it's means lovely."

Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Johnny, can you explain why you think indifferent means lovely?"

"Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heard Mom say, 'that's lovely'. Dad replied to her, 'Yep, it's in different.'"


Joke 8

Q: What’s a tree’s favorite drink?
A: Rootbeer.


Surrender To The Force

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Original post: http://bit.ly/2DIiTAb


 

 

 

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Sunday, February 11, 2018

Life is worth living as long as there's a laugh in it


Happiness


Patience


Winston Churchill


Daily Jokes from SydesJokes for 11 Feb 2018

 

Joke 1

Count your age

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://bit.ly/2DTfsKi


Joke 2

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.


Joke 3

A shopper at the grocery store had written a check for her purchases and was waiting for the clerk to bag them. Instead, he asked the woman for identification, citing company policy.

The flustered shopper responded, "But I'm your mother!"


Joke 4

Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A: Have sex once a year.


Joke 5

The teacher in a Bible class asked a woman to read about the Israelites wandering in the desert.

"The Lord heard you when you wailed, 'If only we had meat to eat!'" she began. "Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month -- until you loathe it."

When the woman finished, she paused, looked up and said, "Hey, isn't that the Atkins diet?"


Joke 6

A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.

The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar.

Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can't swim I'd be disgraced."

"Don't worry," the general said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water."


Joke 7

An old geezer in the old folks home took a fancy to an old lady who is also staying at the home. One day he gets up enough courage to tell her he wants to make love to her.

She agrees and suggests that when everyone else is gone for a day trip, they will stay behind and get to it.

He goes to her room on the day and asks her how she likes it.

She says, "I used to like it when a man went down on me."

He says he would love to and goes for it.

After about 30 seconds he comes back up and says, "I'm sorry. I afraid I just can't go on. It smells rotten down there."

She says, "It must be my arthritis."

He looks at her and says, "Surely you can't get arthritis down there. And even if you could, it wouldn't cause that horrible smell."

She says, "No, my arthritis is in my shoulder and I can't wipe my ass."


Joke 8

Q: Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?
A: A guy who has never been hit with a dictionary.


Charles Dickens

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://bit.ly/2DT8LYS


 

 

 

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Saturday, February 10, 2018

Daily Jokes from SydesJokes for 10 Feb 2018

 

Joke 1

NEED COFFEE!!

SydesJokes Blog

Original post: http://bit.ly/2GHI8Vl


Joke 2

Crotchless Underwear: A Womb With a View


Joke 3

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"


Joke 4

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.


Joke 5

A teacher said to her student, "William, if both of your parents were born in 1976, how old are they now?"

After a few moments, William answered, "It depends."

"It depends on what?" she asked.

"It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother."


Joke 6

A man is out with his rowboat when suddenly a passing speedboat raises huge waves and the mans oars fall overboard!

He is stranded out in the middle of the lake!

After about 2 hours he sees another rowboat going by with a man and two women in it!

The first man yells "Hey buddy...can I borrow one of your oars??"

The other man yells back "They're not whores...they're my sisters.


Joke 7

Top Ten Signs New Yorkers Are Getting Too Fat

  1. Elevators have a maximum occupancy of one

  2. The Statue of Liberty is now holding a cupcake

  3. Driver's license photos larger to include all chins

  4. Broadway's Shubert Alley renamed Kirstie Alley

  5. Robotic voice in the subway says, "Stand clear of the closing doors, lardass"

  6. Thousands of "potholes" are actually footprints in the pavement

  7. 97% of ATM passwords are either "fudge" or "bacon"

  8. People becoming Yankees fans just for the slimming pinstripes

  9. Most popular store: Gap For Tubby Dudes

  10. New Yorkers are winded after giving the finger


Joke 8

Q: Did you hear about the cannibal policeman who was arrested?
A: He was caught grilling his subjects.


A true artist

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Winston Churchill

 

 

 

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Mark Twain

 

 

 

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Love never fails

 

 

 

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Lack of planning on your part

 

 

 

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If you love deeply

 

 

 

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