Sunday, August 29, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
- When I was born, I was given a choice -- a big dick or a good memory. I don't remember which one I chose.
- Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
- A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
- Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'
- There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -- 'don't' and 'stop;' -- unless, of course, they are used together.
- Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but NEXT TO the best thing on earth.
- There are three stages of sex in a man's life: TriWeekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
- Virginity can be cured. And I have its cure with me!
- Virginity is not dignity, it's a lack of opportunity.
- Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
- I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small for me.
- Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
- What's an Australian kiss? The same thing as a French kiss, only given 'down under.'
- A couple who had just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the hole and she was happy with the thing......
- What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? Life sucks, job sucks, the wife doesn't.
- Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.
- Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed,' many married men still sleep with their wives!!
Sunday, August 15, 2010
An Arab student sends an e-mail to his dad, saying:
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB
when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son, Nasser
The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:
My dear loving son
Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.
Love, your Dad
Thursday, August 12, 2010
- The bandage was wound around the wound.
- The farm was used to produce produce.
- The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
- We must polish the Polish furniture.
- He could lead if he would get the lead out.
- The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
- Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
- A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
- When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
- I did not object to the object.
- The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
- There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
- They were too close to the door to close it.
- The buck does funny things when the does are present.
- A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
- To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
- The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
- After a number of injections my jaw got number.
- Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
- I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
- How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Friday, August 6, 2010
@_jessssica, @_MrPerfect_, @_PromoMaster, @_TeamDrizzy, @007wpurple, @3samovar, @3zmaria, @500aday, @5tevenw, @730daboss, @abbykutiwa, @AC_GreenLiving, @acemoneyVSOP, @addthis, @aderomly, @aeroculus, @agamez, @AGM919, @AhhPhotography, @AirDye, @AJOsbornA, @akobori4, @alberto, @Alex_Carrick, @alkhemst, @AllPosters, @alvianyw, @Amtraxx, @Anansa_, @antbanx, @anthony954, @aplusk, @AR_Urban, @argentbeauquest, @ari_pratiwi, @ArileyRinaljie, @Arnimal2000, @ASCBofficial, @ashleyyLorrayne, @AskDemHO_Ooes, @ataricharm, @athalran, @athirath, @AusVegan, @ayush_raghav, @azhay, @baldskull, @BaY_AreA_BitCh, @BendOverBaee, @benjaminrowley, @BetrayedPlanet, @Biebergazm, @BIGE8UP, @biggperm62, @BizarreAvenir, @BlackPIN0Y, @BlacThaBeast1, @BlondeBelinda, @bluebombardier, @booming, @boyboy415, @BPGlobalPR, @Brain_Wash, @BTBTheProducer, @business_system, @cafecars, @CakeDuckMusings, @camalottllc, @CanadianPI, @CargoRoyale, @CarlosParrini, @CeCeRaw, @CeezLuciano, @CEOSteveJobs, @charitywater, @CharlieRattan, @chelsyenqvist, @chicmagnet, @chriscapo707, @ClickBank, @ClusOnHerGrind, @cmccool, @cmogle, @collegehumor, @CommunityTwt, @connectionsprep, @cooltravis, @cornyman, @corsit, @cowboy_alan, @coysbwizjet, @craigeverhart, @DachshundTails, @Daffynition, @DailySourceNews, @Dannielalovesjb, @DarkUgh, @DDDBU, @DenFortuna, @denversolarguy, @DhatGhurll, @diamondnjewelry, @DiamondShevon, @DILS_WORLD, @dimplez4u2njoy, @Dir_vc, @DJFreaxx, @dkskincare, @dominant_follow, @donaldkks, @DooMeGood, @dpbkmb, @draz211, @DruscillaLam, @ecoactions, @EcoMaidsPortlan, @eiderjose, @eleesha, @erotao, @Esp4Moms, @essentiallyrics, @evwo, @ExcuseMeMis, @feriidm, @FollowIndustry, @FollowUsFollowU, @FriendOrFollow, @funnyhumour, @Funnyoneliners, @future500, @Gaming_link, @GangstaLette, @geminigabbana, @Geraldes7, @Gilarstuvw, @girlgeeks, @Glenbe, @GLoKBoYBEz, @gmail, @Grated_Cheddar, @GreatestQuotes, @Greatvine32, @greencelebrity, @greenforyou, @Greengamma, @GRHOP1, @GuitarRocker1, @GuyKawasaki, @hariwijayanto, @Hazeleyehunny, @heykiml, @heywho, @HitsByZuk, @honeydrop505, @HorGlassyLTL, @hotvogue, @Humptynumptyboy, @I_Follow_back__, @I_m_immortal, @IamMrExecutive, @iamthekelton, @IcequeenQ8, @IdaniaEscarraga, @idox_frenchyboy, @iHEARTfotografy, @iheartquotes, @iiTyra, @IM_GHETTO_IDGAF, @ImAJMoney, @ImArtiscia, @inspiredwater, @iowadawg, @iPenginBrijhe, @Irmitaari, @iRockedYoBed, @irwanlee, @iSaveMoreNow, @isDATyt, @ITMinefield, @iTokeee, @ItsAngiehaus, @itscindy, @iTweetFacts, @jack_wealth, @JasminNicole23, @JasonShowersA, @JayLink_, @JayTeeSoUncookd, @jenuinehealing, @JesicccaRabbit, @Jigga_Dott, @Jim_Marketing, @jimlegge, @jmoney_is_grb, @johnemunoz, @JohnnieBuchanan, @JohnnyDeppNews, @joshbevans, @joshumang, @JoyRecruitRite,
@katiekitty, @Kay4NJ, @Kcongo, @KeepinUpWNicole, @Kelsey_Duran, @KendrickBrinson, @KickBootyRacing, @KillnThemSoftly, @kmulahbaby1, @KolayOtuNdE, @Krissybabeox, @ktotlani, @LABeachmom, @LaDdIiBb, @LaLahMusic, @larryczerwonka, @LaydiiiSoul, @LedZeps, @Leppardlady01, @Lexi_Wolfe, @LilWayneNation, @lindadannisa, @LingLaoBurr, @LinkedInQueen, @lolcorporation, @LolitaBorgia, @LouisianaJeezy, @M_Gorgeous, @MariannKnudsen, @Markedeo, @mashable, @MasiradeMadame, @Mecthe1, @MedicateMeMusic, @melaniejane88, @mels, @MelsVideos, @Mentoropolis, @MentorYou4Free, @MikeTashaya, @mila_georgieva, @mimic6, @mistigrinde, @mjlegel, @moFollowers, @Mohkaa____x, @Mookerz818, @MrAnderson306, @MrDaveLaws, @MrFollowBackk, @MrMilestone, @MRS_KASSIEROSS, @ms_meyka, @Ms_ShelMonet, @msalsaif, @MssNeena, @MsSugaLips, @mushyola, @mxpublishing, @MzBanks2you, @MzJaxon5, @nalneesh, @namowmai, @NatGeoSociety, @NDroidMusic, @nicholasfane, @nicksocialmedia, @nightowlpaper, @NiinaA_m, @njoneswebmktg, @nneka96, @nonchlarr, @nsayntz, @NyahBabiii, @OhShitAmazin, @onLy1OLi, @OnlyJokes, @OpiesClub, @orlando21, @P3nguinL0ver, @parimaldeb, @PASSDAT_SOUR, @paulwareing, @pcaveney, @pealmart, @Pearlydean, @pinkDNA, @pogydvo, @pops131, @ppenzini, @PrankPlace, @PrezidentialWun, @purpilRAIN, @Qd_, @quawonder, @queenbuzzy, @Quotalicious, @radiomami, @RadiusGenie, @raferog, @Raj07_2009, @rasaraas, @Raybird09, @rburgos100, @realmikey, @RebeccaMannerly, @RichardBejah, @ricklondon, @ricohere, @RivendyAdhe, @roaddogg88, @RochellaSpace, @rocksstar10, @rootnl2k, @Ros_cartonhumor, @Roy_DrunkRapper, @rozroza, @S_sipho, @sarahi531, @sdesic, @SEAempire, @SEOPPCNews, @SexCigarsBooze, @sexy_hippie510, @sgartland4304, @SharonHayes, @Shawn_Dizzy, @ShawnUpdates, @ShellyRenee, @Shibz2311, @Siah_boo, @SickmanPrez, @silvialauw, @similemetaphor, @SIMPLY_KI, @sKyflo0w, @SLiCKTiONARY, @SocialNetworkUs, @softArka, @solardude1, @soleriee, @SoulEaterNinja, @SpaceJamD1, @spmoxx, @SPSwebster, @SrikarHotshot, @StandAlone_6th, @Steezy_Sean, @stephspow, @StiKtoonz, @STLScorpio31, @StudioYte, @sunbela, @sunny2787, @supacooldeedy, @SuperAdrianMe, @suspendedtweets, @sweet_Miinaj, @sweetypiechat, @sxyscorpio, @tahoeblu, @taybeeunique, @TAYEDOLLARS, @TEAM500ADAY, @TeamAutoFollow, @TeamFollowYou, @TeammFollowBack, @Teamshelly, @tejahotshot, @terrinakamura, @TexasTelly, @TheMark1000, @THEREALZ33KSING, @TheSCICoach, @thomaspower, @thugnificent87, @ticyoktaria, @tinyvamp, @TJT2404, @tomretterbusch, @tonyhawk, @topashraf, @TopVillian2024, @TraceTV, @TrainDeezNuts, @tRaViiEzA305, @TreeHugger, @Trigga_b, @TrinaNation, @tripperloko13, @truegamefamily, @turbotweat, @twindowpane, @TwitAriffic1, @twiteconomy, @u_follow_me_1st, @UnMatchedCupidx, @uschles, @varmahotshot, @VdoMob, @warrior_tactics, @Wesley_Raper, @wesmoney785, @WestCoastFlirt, @WhoIsThanxx2, @whowannafollow, @WITN, @worldresources, @xalmd, @XPrettyBoySwagX, @Y0UNGBEAST, @yeagerhood, @yerjokingnet, @YoRideMyFace, @YoTwits, @YoungMulaTeamUS, @Zah_SA, @zinaida67.
Q: How do you get listed here?
A: Send me a tweet or retweet one of my tweets in any week and you will appear on my #FridayFollow blog post.
Follow me on Twitter: @SydesJokes
Thursday, August 5, 2010
- Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing
- If it's really a "rush job", run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
- Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
- Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
- If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I like being a psychic.
- Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
- If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
- If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
- If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
- Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
- Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
This is a picture of the 36-foot tall, 1,600lb beast about to take to the skies. There's a couple more pictures and a video of the launch after the jump, so be sure to check that out.
Developed by Kyoto University Venture Business Laboratory, Bambgoo is a fully functional vehicle that runs for 50 kilometers on a single charge. This ecological concept car is 270 cm long, 130 cm wide, 165 cm high and only 60 kg heavy. That’s what’s so special about Bambgoo, its body is made out of bamboo. If you happen to pass through Japan these days, you might want to check it out and maybe even take it for a short drive-test.
We just wanted to take a minute or two to brag. The SydesJokes account on Twitter just passed 31,000 followers! And one of our followers is Ashton Kutcher (http://twitter.com/aplusk)! He only follows 587 people so it's a real honor. If you haven't started following us yet, take a minute to check us out:
SydesJokes is the Number 1 Twitter user in Helsinki - Finland, surpassing even Nokia (http://twitter.com/Nokia) and H_Kovalainen (http://twitter.com/H_Kovalainen) the F1 Racing driver, currently driving for Lotus F1 Racing.
To make posting stuff easier, we just created over 13,000 bit.ly links of the stuff on our joke website. More good things on the horizon! Stay tuned!