Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Limp [blog]

Two men are approaching each other on a pavement in America. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

Clown [blog]

This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all.

The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him!"

The bum replies, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. Hey Willie! For a few bucks, would you chop off another toe?"

Not Too Good [blog]

Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years.

"So, how's life been for you?" Ed asked.

"Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dock into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust."

"Damn, that sounds terrible..." Ed said. "What business were you in?"

"I sell good luck charms," said Ted.

Think About It [blog]

According to a recent survey, 50% of the people asked said they have had a sexual encounter at their workplace.

The next time you go to your local post office and there's a huge line, you notice there are four windows, but only two windows are open -- NOW you'll know what's happening.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Vacation [blog]

A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location. The reply came back, "It's only a stone's throw away from the beach."

"But how will I recognize it?" asked the man.

Back came the reply, "It's the one with all the broken windows."

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Home Security Yard Sign [blog]

Click the image to view full size

Marriage Quotes [blog]

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.
-- Shelley Winters

When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror.
-- Burt Reynolds

Marriage works best for men than women. The two happiest groups are married men and unmarried women.
-- Gloria Steinem

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
-- Carrie Snow

The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after. Forty is when you watch the TV during. Sixty is when you watch the TV instead.
-- Unknown

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
-- Mickey Rooney

Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.
-- Woody Allen (Hollywood Ending, 2002)

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
-- Helen Rowland

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
-- Roseanne Barr

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-- Rita Rudner

Advantages of Being a Temp

  • You're only lending your soul, not selling it.

  • You won't be there when the fruits of your labor turn rotten.

  • Trying on a different personality at each new job site.

  • You don't have to continually fork over part of your paycheck for co-workers' weddings, babies, birthdays and anniversaries, or children's school, scouts, athletic, and band fund-raising efforts.

  • No one gives you clothes emblazoned with the company logo and then expects you to wear them.

  • You can avoid the internal "war." I once Temp'd at an office so divided and filled with hate, one half wouldn't even speak with the other... it was my job to convey messages between the enemy camps.

  • Your true Pointy-Haired Boss is usually miles away...and the "customer" PHB can (often) be ignored.

  • Overtime at time and a half! Woo-Hoo!

  • Leaving at 4:30.

  • You get to hear the words, "Good job" and, 'Please stay" frequently.

  • You don't give a rat's hoohaa what the stock is doing.

  • Eight Words: "It was like that when I got here."

What Hollywood Has Taught Us [blog]

  • At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

  • Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

  • All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.

  • Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

  • All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

  • It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

  • You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

  • A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

  • If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

  • If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

  • Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

  • All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.

  • A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

  • Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their polar opposite.

What Men Call their Women - What pet names really mean [blog]

  • Darling -- Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he's probably done something wrong or wants money.
  • Dear -- Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of Ovaltine to lager.
  • Sweetheart -- If it's said patronizingly, it's not so sweet. But when uttered in earnest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter.
  • Babe -- Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for flares or signs that he's a 70s throwback. He's a bit of a medallion man. Chances are he's got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.
  • Baby doll -- This type of man will probably require you to wear transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of winter. He doesn't want you to grow up, and obviously can't deal with real women.
  • Princess -- Never trust a man who calls you princess. You may think you're being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince
  • Charmings -- they may be secretly plotting your over- throw.
  • Sexy -- Fine if you're sexy. If you're not, who cares? He probably thinks you are anyway!!
  • My girlfriend -- He's honest, open and probably glad to have you around. The next thing you know he'll be using your name!
  • The wife -- If you're married then he probably thinks he owns you. If you're not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case, he thinks he owns you.
  • My other half -- You complete the set - he's only half a man without you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity somewhere.
  • The missus -- See The Wife.
  • My partner -- He's right on. Probably likes eating tofu and hugging trees.
  • My significant other -- He's even more right on. Probably thinks it's cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own space.
  • She who must be obeyed -- He thinks you're a nag, but probably doesn't lift a finger around the house.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Oxymorons [blog]

  1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

  2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

  3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

  4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

  5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

  6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

  7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

  8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

  9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

  10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?

  11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

  12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

  13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

  14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

  15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

  16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

  17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

  18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

  19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

  20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

  21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

  22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

  23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

  24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

  25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

  26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

  27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

Wisdom from Grandpa [blog]

  • Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

  • Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt, that he forgets his sugar.

  • Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

  • When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

  • If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

  • On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.

  • A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."

  • The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.

  • Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.

  • Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.

  • The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

  • Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

  • How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

  • When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, remember about Algebra.

  • I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

  • One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

  • Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

  • Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

  • If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving

  • Talk about a huge breast!

  • Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

  • It's Cool Whip time!

  • If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

  • That's one terrific spread!

  • I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

  • Are you ready for seconds yet?

  • Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

  • Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

  • Don't play with your meat.

  • Just spread the legs open stuff it in.

  • Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

  • I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

  • You still have a little bit on your chin.

  • How long will it take after you stick it in?

  • You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

  • Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

  • That's the biggest one I've ever seen

Iwo Jima - Today [blog]

Click the image to view full size

Mount Suribachi overlooks the landing beaches. During the battle for Iwo Jima , Mt Suribachi gave the defending Japanese forces a perfect vantage point from which to direct lethal artillery fire on the Marines' hastily dug positions on the beach.

Futatsune Beach , today known by visiting Marines as Invasion Beach , is where on 19 February 1945, the Marines landed on D-Day of the invasion of Iwo Jima . This picture was taken from near the top of Mt. Suribachi . Forward Observer's dream!

Marines race across the beach to experience a fraction of the experiences the Marines who fought for Iwo Jima might have had on D-Day of the Battle. The major difference between today and 1945 is that today no one is shooting at them!

The guide for this trip asked the Marines to rush this dune to get an idea of what the Marines who took Iwo Jima faced. Every step you take up, you slide down and into the dune. You have to work hard to get to the top. Imagine doing it with 100 lbs on your back while being shot at and artillery raining down on you.

A heavy machine gun, possibly a Japanese Type 92 Heavy Machine Gun, lies abandoned in a bunker overlooking the landing beaches. There are still dozens of these bunkers all over the island. Most of them were destroyed during the battle. This pillbox still bore the scars of the fighting. It was pockmarked with bullet holes and the inside was blackened. I imagine a flame thrower was used to clear that pillbox.

This monument was erected on the spot where Franklin Sousley, Harlon Block, Michael Strank, John Bradley, Rene Gagnon, and Ira Hayes raised the American flag 4 days into the battle for Iwo Jima . Iwo Jima is like Mecca for the Marines. Visiting Marines leave personal mementos behind during their 'pilgrimages'.

The Eagle, Globe and Anchors on the left and right side of the monument are completely covered in dog tags left by visiting Marines and service men to honor the 6,131 killed.

11 Reasons to be Thankful you Burnt the Bird [blog] #Thanksgiving #HappyThanksgiving

  1. Salmonella won't be a concern.

  2. Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.

  3. Uninvited guests will think twice next year.

  4. Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.

  5. Pets won't bother to pester you for scraps. * No one will overeat.

  6. The smoke alarm was due for a test.

  7. Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.

  8. You'll get to the desserts even quicker.

  9. After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.

  10. The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.

  11. You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.

World's Highest Climbing Wall [blog]

The world's highest climbing wall is situated in the town of Groningen, The Netherlands. It is 37 metres (121 ft) high and is known as the Excalibur.

Click the image to view full size

Saturday, November 20, 2010

17 Rules Between Men and Women [blog]

  1. The Female always makes THE RULES.

  2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

  3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.

  4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some or all of THE RULES.

  5. The Female is never wrong.

  6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.

  7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

  8. The Female can change her mind at any given time..

  9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.

  10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

  11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.

  12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.

  13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.

  14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.

  15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks ackbone, and is a wimp.

  16. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.

  17. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5

Stock Market Terminology Explained [blog]

Stock Market Dictionary for the past year investor:

  • Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.

  • Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.

  • Broker - Poorer than you were last year.

  • P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as this market keeps crashing.

  • Standard & Poor - Your life in a nut shell.

  • Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

  • Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

  • Bear Market - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.

  • Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.

  • Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

  • Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.

  • Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

  • Call Option - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.

  • Cisco - Side kick of Poncho.

  • Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $540 per share.

  • Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $540 per share.

  • Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.

  • Profit - Religious guy who talks to God.

  • Bill Gates - Where God goes for a loan.

  • Alan Greenspan - God.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The Divorced Barbie Doll [blog]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:

'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's House, Ken's Car, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

Monday, November 15, 2010

A Wee Scottish Tale #jokes #humor #lol

A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the St Andrews course.

A groundskeeper shouts: "Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shite an pish!"

The golfer replies: "My Good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that for me, in English!?"

The keeper replies: "I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!"

Lecture #jokes #humor #lol

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he's going.

"I'm on my way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body."

The policeman asks, "Really? And at this time of night, who exactly will be giving a lecture?"

"My wife", he replied.