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Sunday, August 28, 2011

Redneck Tractor Mower


Statements / True Meanings

  • Statement: "I'm a Romantic."
    True Meaning: "I'm poor."

  • Statement: "I need you."
    True Meaning: "My hand is tired."

  • Statement: "I am different from all the other guys."
    True Meaning: "I am not circumcised."

  • Statement: "I want a commitment."
    True Meaning: "I'm sick of masturbation."

  • Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
    True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

  • Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."
    True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."

  • Statement: "It's just orange juice, try it."
    True Meaning: "Three more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."

  • Statement: "She's kinda cute."
    True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary."

  • Statement: "I don't know if I like her."
    True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."

  • Statement: "I miss you so much."
    True Meaning: "I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good."

  • Statement: "Was it good for you?"
    True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood."

  • Statement: "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
    True Meaning: "Is my penis really that small?"

  • Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night."
    True Meaning: "Who the hell are you?"

  • Statement: "Do you love me?"
    True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."

  • Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"
    True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."

  • Statement: "How much do you love me?"
    True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."

  • Statement: "I have something to tell you."
    True Meaning: "Get tested."

  • Statement: "I'll give you a call."
    True Meaning: "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."

  • Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."
    True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

  • Statement: "I think we should just be friends."
    True Meaning: "You're ugly."

  • Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."
    True Meaning: "Next!!!!"

  • Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?"
    True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."

New Texas Law

I heard that the Texas legislature passed a law Friday raising the speed limit to eighty-five miles an hour. They also changed the laws to let you have an open beer in the car and let you carry a gun. The idea is to make life on the highway so much fun you wouldn't think of texting while driving.

Swallow


Donut Salad


Grow Up


Antique British Humour













First Recorded Senior Moment


Saturday, August 27, 2011

Jealous


You're


USA vs Russia


On Stage or TV

A woman walks into an agents office and says "I want to be on stage or TV"

To which the agent replies, "well, what do you do?"

The woman says, "well I cant sing or dance, I can only do this..."

She picks up her skirt and starts to whistle 'twinkle twinkle little star' out of her minge.

"THAT'S FANTASTIC!" the agent says, "Hang on a minute," he picks up the phone and calls one of his agent friends, "Listen to this" he says to his friend excitedly and puts the telephone next to the woman's minge, she starts to whistle the tune again in perfect rhythm. "what do you think of that?" he says to his mate.

"Just sounds like some cunt whistling to me!"

Brewery Mural

Before


Before




A Woman's Thoughts On Life

  • Your secrets are safe with me, and all my friends.

  • I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.

  • If I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.

  • My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.

  • I cleaned my house yesterday, sure wish you could have seen it.

  • This isn't clutter, these are my antiques!

  • If you don't like my attitude, call: 1-800-Who-Cares.

  • Discover Wildlife! Have Kids!

  • Genuine Antique Person... been there, done that, can't remember!

  • Our policy is to always blame the computer.

  • I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.

  • Take my advice, I'm not using it!

  • Okay! I love you! Now can we eat?

  • You know you are getting old when you stop to think and forget to start again.

  • Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.

  • I love to give homemade gifts ... umm, which one of the kids would you like?

  • I have a million dollar figure -- but it's all loose change!

  • By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence!

  • This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.

  • Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till the feeling passes.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Polish Girl

A Polish girl went to the gynecologist. She disrobed and got up into the stirrups.

The doctor was so shocked at the neglectful state of her vagina he asked, "When was the last time you had a checkup?"

"Well, to be honest with you," she blushed, "I've never had a Czech up there, but I have had several Hungarians."

Mural #2

Before


After




Friday, August 19, 2011

iPAD for sale

If you are interested in getting an iPad I can get hold of them through a contact. These are straight,

not off the back of a truck they are from a canceled Hospital contract due to the Government cutbacks.

The numbers are limited - he has twenty iPads going for less than half price so it's first come first served.

He has already sold one (pic is below so you can see what you are getting).

Get back to me as quick as you can if you want one.

Full spec as below...........




















Mural #1

Before


After



Why Bicycle Shorts Are Always Black

Black:


NOT Red:


Hoover!

Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter, "Hoover!" under his breath.

On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time.

On the third hole, a miracle occurred & Father Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!"

He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!"

By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said "Hoover".

"It's the biggest dam I know." he replied.

New Lego Playset





Thursday, August 18, 2011

A Texan walks into a pub in Australia

A Texan walks into a pub in Australia and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Aussies are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Fosters beer back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Aussie.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Fosters. Immediately the Aussie guy tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to- back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Aussie the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".

The Aussie guy replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

Redneck Jacuzzi


Tuesday, August 16, 2011

A Map of Australia

Here is a map of Australia that compares the size with other countries.

See how they can all fit in?



Viagra and hunger

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines saying "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now; it’s this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite.

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something; "How about a bowl of soup, home made muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines saying "The Viagra really trashes my desire for food.

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie, or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again saying "No, it’s got to be the Viagra ‘cos I'm still not hungry."

She says,”Well, Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving"


Banana Fact


Monday, August 15, 2011

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a ham bush...."

New Logo for the London Olympics


Sunday, August 14, 2011

Two Space Shuttles Face To Face


Shuttle shuffle: Discovery and Endeavour come face-to-face on runway as NASA officials prepare them for life on the ground.

Shuttles swap hangars so engineers can continue to prepare them for their final museum homes

Two of NASA's three retired space shuttles were greeted with cheers as they traded places.

In a rare nose-to-nose encounter, Discovery and Endeavour met outside the shuttle hangar at Kennedy Space Center in Florida.

Discovery moved into the hangar and Endeavour went to the Vehicle Assembly Building.

NASA employees lined the route to watch something they will never see again as the two giant shuttles, reminiscent of two retired heavyweight boxers, were wheeled towards each other.


Shuttle titans: Discovery (right) and Endeavour paused for a unique nose-to-nose photo opportunity before going their separate ways outside Orbiter Processing Facility-3 at the Kennedy Space Center yesterday

The switch was necessary for NASA to continue preparing both spaceships for their future homes.

Discovery will head next spring to a Virginia hangar belonging to the Smithsonian Institution.

Endeavour will then be transported to the California Science Center in Los Angeles.

Atlantis - which recently completed the last shuttle flight - will remain at Kennedy for public display.

Last month, Atlantis was towed into its hangar at the Orbiter Processing Facility several hours after it landed, ending not only its two-week mission, but a 30-year shuttle programme which has long been the pride of America.

The shuttle, which was paraded through the streets to thousands of cheering fans, was carefully locked away for the last time, signalling the end of an era.


NASA workers gather in front of the shuttles. The switch was necessary for NASA to continue preparing both spaceships for their future homes in museums


Discovery (right) awaits its turn to approach Endeavour outside Orbiter Processing Facility-3. Shuttle Atlantis - which recently completed the last flight of the 30-year programme- will remain at Kennedy for public display

It was the last time the shuttle will be seen by the public for a while after it made a perfect landing at Cape Canaveral, completing the 135th mission for the fleet, which has covered an astonishing 542million miles and circled Earth 21,150 times.

The five shuttles have carried 355 people from 16 countries.

NASA originally promised 50 shuttle flights a year, but the programme suffered two tragic accidents that killed 14 astronauts and destroyed two shuttles - Challenger in 1986 and Columbia in 2003.

NASA never managed more than nine flights in a single year. And the cost was almost $500 million a flight.

The very first shuttle flight took place in April 1981. It will be another three to five years at best before Americans are launched into space again from U.S. soil, with private companies gearing up to seize the Earth-to-orbit-and-back baton from NASA.


Go your own way: Discovery (right) and Endeavour head to their new hangars

Friday, August 12, 2011

Granny's Estate

A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash."

The granddaughter, about to be rich, says, "Oh my Granny, you are SO generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"

With her last breath, her grandmother whispered, "Facebook."

Democracy Poster


Wednesday, August 10, 2011

How yodelling began

Have you ever wondered where and how yodelling began?

Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland .

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to stay. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. !

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow travelling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed..

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Ten Facts About Shakespeare

  1. No one knows the actual birthday of Shakespeare!

  2. Anne Hathaway was eight years older than Shakespeare and three months pregnant when they got married!

  3. Many Shakespeare life facts are unknown - these are referred to as the Lost Years

  4. Shakespeare's Father, John was a money lender! He was accused in the Exchequer Courtof Usury for lending money at the inflated rate of 20% and 25% Interest!

  5. William Arden, a relative of Shakespeare's mother Mary Arden, was arrested for plottingagainst Queen Elizabeth I, imprisoned in the Tower of London and executed!

  6. Shakespeare and his company built TWO Globe Theatres!

  7. Shakespeare never published any of his plays!

  8. Shakespeare and the Globe Actors were implicated in the Essex Rebellion of 1601!

  9. Many eminent Authors and Politicians do not believe that Shakespeare wrote his plays...

  10. Shakespeare's family were all illiterate!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Awkward moment

Look at the picture before you read the caption at the bottom.

No cheating.




It's the awkward moment ...







The awkward moment when your friend's "fat arm" makes you look naked.