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Sunday, December 25, 2011

Old-Fashioned Christmas

Always Complaining

How many Christmas songs can you identify?

  1. The apartment of 2 psychiatrists.
  2. The lad is a diminutive percussionist.
  3. Decorate the entry-ways.
  4. Sir Lancelot with laryngitis.
  5. A B C D E F G H I J K M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z.
  6. Present me naughty but dual incisors for this festive Yuletide.
  7. The smog-less bewitching hour arrived.
  8. Exuberation to this orb.
  9. 288 Yuletide hours.
  10. Do you perceive the same longitudinal pressure which stimulates my auditory sense organs.
  11. The red-suited pa is due in this burg.
  12. Stepping on the pad cover.
  13. Uncouth dolt has his beezer in the booze and thinks he is a Dark Cloud's boyfriend.
  14. Far back in a hay bin.
  15. Leave and do an elevated broadcast.
  16. That exiguous hamlet south of the holy city.
  17. Behold! I envisioned a trio of nautical vessels.
  18. Listen, the winged heavenly messengers are proclaiming tunefully.
  19. A joyful song relative to hollow metallic vessels which vibrate and bring forth a ringing sound when struck.
  20. As the guardians of little woolly animal's protected their charges in the shadows of the earth.
Answers:
  1. The Nutcracker Suite
  2. Little Drummer boy
  3. Deck the Halls
  4. Silent Night
  5. Noel (No L)
  6. All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.
  7. It came upon a midnight clear
  8. Joy to the world
  9. 12 Days of Christmas
  10. Do you hear what I hear
  11. Santa Claus is coming to town
  12. Up on the house top
  13. Rudolph the red nosed reindeer.
  14. Away in a manger
  15. Go tell it on the mountain
  16. O little town of Bethlehem
  17. I saw three ships
  18. Hark the Herald angels sing...
  19. Jingle Bells
  20. As Shepherds watched their flocks by night

Santa Forgot His Glasses

Tit Full of Beer

How to Annoy Santa

  1. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

  2. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

  3. Build an army of snowmen on the roof, holding signs - "Bah Humbug" and "Bite me Santa".

  4. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

  5. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

  6. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime".

  7. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

  8. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

  9. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

  10. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us".

Oh Shit

A Politically Correct Christmas Greeting

Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, but with respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to practice a religion at all;

Additionally, a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2014, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to the race, creed, color, religious, or sexual preferences of the wishes.

(Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.)

All I Needed To Know About Life I Learned From Santa

  • Encourage people to believe in you.

  • Always remember who's naughty and who's nice.

  • Don't pout.

  • It's as much fun to give as it is to receive.

  • Some days it's ok to feel a little chubby.

  • Make your presents known.

  • Always ask for a little bit more than what you really want.

  • Bright red can make anyone look good.

  • Wear a wide belt and no-one will notice how many pounds you've gained.

  • If you only show up once a year, everyone will think you're very important.

  • Whenever you're at a loss for words, say: "HO, HO, HO!"

Ways To Confuse Santa

  • Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

  • While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

  • Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

  • While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

  • Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

  • Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

  • Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

  • Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

  • While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

  • Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa."

  • Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

  • Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

  • While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

  • Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

  • Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

  • Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

  • Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

  • Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

  • Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

  • Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

Xmas Sale

Xmas Hot Tub

Tiger Woods Xmas Card

Leave Booze For Santa

Merry Christmas

No Cats for Santa

Speed Gun

Chinese Names for Santa

Mistletoe Belt Buckle

Strange Meeting

Divulged

Christmas Meltdown