Thursday, November 29, 2012

Signs You Are Getting Old

  • You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.

  • The pattern on your shorts and couch match.

  • You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.

  • You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.

  • You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.

  • When jogging is something you do to your memory.

  • Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

  • All the cars behind you flash their headlights.

  • You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.

  • You actually ASK for your father's advice.

  • When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.

Just three words

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an afterward cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her.

Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly, meaningfully said: "Clean my house"

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Beer Snobs

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

Monday, November 26, 2012

Christmas Shopping

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewellery store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewellery store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

The Mexican Invasion

A Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat, rowing towards California.

The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America!"

The entire crew of the destroyer double over in laughter. When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

Two buckets of quarters

An elderly blonde plunked two buckets of quarters down in front a teller at the bank. The teller, unsure how to handle so much loose change, called the manager. The manager started to berate the woman for hoarding so many quarters.

She gave him a long hard look and said, "I didn't hoard all of these. My sister whored half and I whored the other half."

How do you total a vehicle without scratching the outside?

There are no scratches on the outside of this car, but the vehicle is totaled !

A man in Waterton Park, (south of Calgary), came out to find the inside of his 18 month old Toyota Sequoia trashed.

A grizzly bear had somehow got a door open. Once inside it got trapped when the door shut behind him, probably by the wind.

The Toyota was the Platinum edition, all the door panels were ripped off, the head-liner torn to pieces, all headrests, the leather seats, the dash shredded. The steering column was twisted Sideways. Two of the six airbags went off, the other four the bear ripped to pieces.

You can imagine a trapped grizzly being hit with an airbag in an enclosed space! He must have figured he was in for the fight of his life, and by the looks of this car, he won the fight.

When the bear ripped off the door panels he also clawed all the wiring harnesses out. Toyota figures every wire he pulled or clawed at resulted in alarm bells, voices or sparks.

The head mechanic at Calgary Toyota doubted if they had the expertise to put this vehicle back together, even if they had enough parts to do it. And, to add insult to injury, the bear took a big Dump in the back of the SUV . . . and then broke out the rear window. (So a bear dosen't always shit in the woods.)

Fish and wildlife officers have inspected the damage and figure it was a 3 year old Grizzly.

The vehicle has been written off by the insurance company. The cost of this fully optioned vehicle new was over $70,000, and they stopped counting the repair costs at $60,000 plus.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

10 Things Facebook Has Taught Me

10 Things Facebook Has Taught Me

Visit to Gynecologist

A Polish girl went to the gynecologist. She disrobed and got up into the stirrups.

The doctor was so shocked at the neglectful state of her vagina he asked, "When was the last time you had a check-up?"

"Well, to be honest with you," she blushed, "I've never had a Czech up there, but I have had several Hungarians."

Blonde Jokes

There was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes she'd hear at the office. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a Dumb Blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement,

"I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state capitals."

One of the guys said "I don't believe you."

She said, "It's true. Just test me!"

"Okay. What is the capital of Alaska," he asked?

"A" she answered.

Parkinson's or Alzheimer's

An old man was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get - Parkinson's or Alzheimer's ?"

The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinson's. Better to spill half an ounce of whiskey than forget where you left the bottle"

Vegetative State

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room watching a drama about a man who lost consciousness and went into a coma.

He says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine. If that ever happens to me, just pull the plug."

So, his wife gets up and unplugs the TV.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Homeless man

A guy out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.

A poor homeless man sat there and said “I've not eaten for two days.”

The guy told him “I wish I had your will power”!

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Money Bag - December 2012

This year, December has 5 Saturdays, 5 Sundays and 5 Mondays.

This only happens once every 824 years.

The Chinese call it the Money Bag.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

BBC Enquiry

Breaking news! Two more have come forward to say they had fingers shoved up their backsides by dead BBC TV stars! 

Sooty and Sweep say the abuse went on, with the full knowledge of BBC Management for years!