Friday, December 28, 2012
- I will not eat other animals' poop.
- I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
- I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
- My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
- I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
- Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.
- Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
- Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
- Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!
- Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.
- Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
- Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
- January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
- The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
- AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...
- I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Monday, December 10, 2012
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Sunday, December 9, 2012
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment. Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den.
The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could.
Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled, above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"
The city slicker's car sputtered to a halt near a pasture filled with cattle. The driver got out to see what was the matter and noticed one cow staring at him.
"Sounds like it's your radiator," said the cow.
The startled city slicker ran to the nearby farmhouse and pounded on the front door.
"Your cow just gave me advice about my car!" he shouted.
The farmer pointed out to the field. "That cow with the two big black spots?" he asked.
"Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the man replied.
"Oh, well, that's Ethel," said the farmer. "Don't pay no attention to her. She don't know nuttin' about cars!"
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said 'yes', and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."