Thursday, February 28, 2013

The Origin of the White Wedding Dress

A son asked his mother the following question "Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says "Son, all household appliances come in white."

New Punctuation Marks

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Wednesday, February 20, 2013

The wit and the wisdom of Homer J. Simpson

  • "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."

  • "Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

  • "Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'"

  • "Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

  • "If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

  • "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."

  • "Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."

  • "Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."

  • "Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'" * "To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to all of life's problems!"

  • "I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two,'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Police Quotes

  • "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

  • "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

  • "So, you don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

  • "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

  • "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

  • "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

  • "Life's tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."

  • "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

The Annoying Moment

The Annoying Moment

Overweight Luggage Fees

Overweight Luggage Fees

It's Called Metal

It's Called Metal

Trying to get a job

Trying to get a job

Everybody is a Genius

Everybody is a Genius

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'

1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ' machines!'

1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no dick

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Valentine One-Liners

Q: What do you get if you cross a dog with a valentine card?
A: A card that says, "I love you drool-ly!"

Q: What did the painter say to her boyfriend?
A: "I love you with all my art!"

Q: What does a man who loves his car do on February 14?
A: He gives it a valenshine!

Q: What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?
A: "I’ve got a crutch on you!"

Q: Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank?
A: It was a case of guppy love.

Q: What do you call two birds in love?
A: Tweethearts.

Q: What do you call a very small valentine?
A: A valentiny.

Q: What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?
A: "Be my valenstein!"

Q: Why did the moroff boy put clothes on the valentines he sent?
A: Because they needed to be ad-dressed.

Q: What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?
A: Hog and kisses.

Q: What would you get when you cross Bubba with the God of love?
A: A stupid cupid.

Q: Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
A: It was Valenswine’s Day.

Q: Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
A: Sure, they’re very scent-imental.

Q: What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
A: "I’m sweet on you!"

Q: What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
A: "I find you very attractive."

Q: What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day?
A: A hug and a quiche.

Q: What did one pickle say to the other?
A: "You mean a great dill to me."

Q: What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
A: "I love you a ton!"

Q: What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
A: "You’re fun to hang around with."

Q: Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
A: He fell in love with a pincushion.

Q: What did the pencil say to the paper?
A: "I dot my i’s on you!"

Q: Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?
A: She didn’t suit his taste.

Q: Why do valentines have hearts on them?
A: Because spleens would look pretty gross.

Q: Why didn’t Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer’s heart?
A: Because even Cupid can’t hit a target that small.

Q: Why should you send your sweetie a valentine?
A: Because you always heart the one you love.

Q: What did one light bulb say to the other?
A: "I love you a whole watt!"

Q: What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine’s Day?
A: Ughs and kisses.

Be My Valentine

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

What NOT to Give Her for Valentine's Day

Keep this list close by when doing your Valentine’s Day shopping!

  1. A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.

  2. Any food item with the words "diet", "light" or "high fiber" on the label.

  3. Any video starring Sylvester Stallone or Jim Carey.

  4. Flowers from a hospital’s gift shop or worse a mortuary.

  5. Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.

  6. A gift certificate.

  7. Cash.

  8. Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn’t.

  9. An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"

Valentine's Day

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams".

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Norwegian Military Tattoo - Norwegian Royal Guard Regiment

This is the Norwegian Royal Guard Regiment (equivalent to the British and Canadian Guards regiments). These guys give the USMC Band and Honor Guard and the Army's 1 BN 3d Infantry (The Old Guard) a run for their money. It is interesting how a cheesy Hollywood theme (from "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly") can sound impressive when played by an elite military band.
This is "River Dance" with boots and rifles! I can't remember ever seeing a display of precision to beat this!! 
All the precision drill is being performed on ICE!!

Those are US made Garand M-1 rifles (WWII), and they are heavy weapons (9 POUNDS EACH).

When that one fellow goes on his own - YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A RIFLE SPUN THAT FAST!


You Know You're Over The Hill When...

  1. You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

  2. You're sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

  3. Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.

  4. You tune into the easy listening station...on purpose.

  5. You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large...In that order.

  6. You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing Cumbaya..

  7. You keep repeating yourself.

  8. You start videotaping daytime game shows.

  9. At the airport, they ask to check your bags...and you're not carrying any luggage.

  10. You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.

  11. Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar...a month at a time.

  12. At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

  13. Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

  14. When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...and it stays out.

  15. One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.

  16. Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."

  17. You keep repeating yourself.

  18. It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

  19. You discover the words, "whippersnapper," "scalawag" and "by-cracky" creeping into your vocabulary.

  20. You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

  21. You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."

  22. You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

  23. You look both ways before crossing a room.

  24. Your social security number only has three digits.

  25. You keep repeating yourself.

  26. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

  27. You go to a Garden Party and you're mainly interested in the garden.

  28. You find your mouth making promises your body can't keep.

  29. The waiter asks how you'd like your steak...and you say "pureed."

  30. At parties you attend, "regularity" is considered the topic of choice.

Life Was Much Easier

Life Was Much Easier

England brought to knees by snow

England brought to knees by snow

Use Your Imagination

Use Your Imagination



Food Creations

Food Creations 1

Food Creations 2

Food Creations 3

Food Creations 4

Food Creations 5

What SEX And PARKING SPACES Share In Common

  • You should never have to wait to find one

  • You should be able to slide right into one

  • Spaces in the front are always the best

  • When no front spaces are available, spaces in the rear will always suffice

  • It sucks when someone else is double-parked

  • Your space should still be open and waiting when you get back

  • It's a tragedy when you have a 'full-size' car but there are only 'compact' spaces

  • A full-size car is good to find

  • People are willing to wait in line for the good spaces

  • Spaces with short time limits are annoying and never satisfying

  • We're all looking for the free space with the "unlimited" time limit

  • A house isn't a home without a parking space

  • Some people are uncomfortable with a space in the rear

  • Why is it best-looking cars are always the ones who only like parking in the rear?

  • The better your parking techniques are the more parking spaces you can get into.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

7 Reasons Positive Emotions Are Good For Your Heart

7 Reasons Positive Emotions Are Good For Your Heart

Christian Pickup Line

  • Hey baby, you wanna take the church van for a spin?

  • I don't speak in tongues, but I sure do kiss that way.

  • Excuse me, is this pew taken?

  • Hi, my name's Will... God's Will.

  • I predicted David over Goliath.

  • God was showing off when he made you.

  • I'm pretty flexible. I don't think a woman should be submissive on the first date.

  • Is it a sin that you stole my heart?

  • You know Jesus? Me too!

  • No, I'm not coveting... I intend to make you mine.

  • Christians don't shake hands, Christians hug!

  • Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.

  • What do you think Paul meant when he said, "Greet one another with a holy kiss"?

  • Do you really believe "it is more blessed to give than to receive"?

A Vodka Please

A Vodka Please